For several reasons, including covid and autism, I have been very isolated for many years, especially during high school and most of my 20s (28 now), very important years when it comes to social development. I missed out on a lot of stuff and I am very isolated still today.

I am very afraid that because of this, I have not been able to develop proper social skills and now I have all kinds of mental issues. Sometimes I think that my brain is under-developed, that I am not able to learn social skills and forming relationships.

I wonder if I, besides talking to a mental health professional, also need to talk to a doctor about physical problems with my brain. For example, is it possible that I could benefit from taking medicine, ECT or some kind of magnetic stimulation? It’s really hard for me to connect with people and I need all the help I can get. Something tells me that working on my social skills won’t be enough, that’s why I’m asking if anybody has tried something else?

34 comments

  1. I think it depends if you feel lonely or not, there are people who are isolated yet feel strong connections with their sense of self and environment/world around them.

    Experiencing a lot of negative affect though is not good for anyone’s wellbeing. Seek therapy, yes reach out for help from your primary care doctor, see what they can recommend for you.

    Edit: Also it’s good you’re reaching out and asking questions online like this. Online connections may not be a substitute for real life connections, but it’s better than nothing and everyone has to start somewhere to reinforce their sense of self. This is why social media, when used right, can be such a great tool to empower, learn, and connect more with ourselves and others. Increasing your self-understanding through guided therapy or own self-research (if you have the energy) is one half the battle to better cope, the other half then comes from taking action and forming better habits to support the change you seek.

  4. With the brain it is ‘use it or lose it’, so any part of it which is neglected for a long time may atrophy. You can bring it back with practice, though. That would take effort and be uncomfortable, though, so be ware.

  5. You can reverse it. It takes a bunch of time and making new habits but your brain will rewire itself.

  8. Would you like to be online friends? It’s not quite the same as in person hangs, but I can chat around with you about any ol’ thing.

    I have online friends, and friends that live near me, and I like both styles of relationship the same.

  9. Idk about damage besides extremes modern humans are unlikely to experience. But age development for sure

  11. No, but you will lack decent social skills and won’t be able to use body language until you learn it again. Go out for a lunch and just observe others, test some shit, sports, clubs, you name it.
    Let’s flip it – why do you feel like you need social skills? Are you aiming for something social? If not, then it doesn’t matter if you lack some skills.

  12. I try to spend a lot of time in discord with friends. It’s not the same as face to face, but its a hell of a lot better than a parasocial relationship with a podcast etc.

    We play a game that relies on building a community- Ark

  13. I believe poets and philosophers we’re right about people needing to be around other humans for periods of time. Jon Donne “no man’s an island”, EM Forster “Only connect”. However those who live in nature and have peace do well? So if you’re feeling depressed or alone sometimes connecting with people is good and then sometimes removing yourself from noise and demands is good too.

  14. If you are ready for something else then I would say go for it. Just remember being social is a muscle that gets stronger with more exercise and it will be harder at the beginning.

    It helps if you are in a call with more than 2 people. Group conversations take less effort to be apart of.

  15. My first reaction to your concern of “brain damage” is maybe you can try playing puzzle games like chess, go, sudoku, or poker, where you can play on some websites or apps. Or even better try MMPORPG, video games that you can play with others online is another good way to strengthen your thinking skills and play with other people.

    I can’t advice much on how to develop proper social skills, because I’ve turned into a quite social rebel and will be rude to others just to protect myself due to many years of social isolation. However, as I’m realising this I’m slowly learning how to deal with people in better ways, it’s still wip.

    Also, I think you’re on a right track for asking this here, it shows that you’re having more self-agency than you previously had.

    I experienced some sort of epiphany, just a little bit, and I wrote about it on my [blog](https://zenhew.com/blog/sudoku) maybe some parts could give you a better idea on how to navigate a life that’s very different from others.

  17. It takes time and effort but you have to try and get out and make experiences. don’t be scared. yes, you might be not as experienced as others yet but this may change!

  19. Talk to a psychiatrist, they’re doctors and mental health professionals, they can order imaging, prescribe meds, and give therapy if they’re so inclined.

    We do know that being in solitary (in prison) can permanently damage a person, even if it’s only a few days and almost every time when it’s long-term. That doesn’t mean you’re damaged.

    You’re pretty young and youre reaching out with questions. You can improve. Go find a doctor 👍 good luck

  20. Ostracization is traumatic. It has happened to me when my ex spread rumors around our friend group and told everyone I was an abusive narcissistic sociopath. My ex was invited to hang out all the time and I was disinvited from everything. People I thought were my friends stopped talking to me, I got cold shoulders if I saw them in public, and I even started to believe I was a bad person because what else could explain why everyone suddenly hated me?

    … but isolation can be peaceful if you are fully “in-tune” with yourself.

    After I broke up with my ex and moved to a new place, I wanted to start from a fresh slate. I didn’t know how to meet people, so I started checking out events at local venues to see live music and other cool performances.

    I discovered my love of foreign, independent, and cult movies at an independent theater. I started working out with kettlebells routinely. I bought some grain spawn and substrate to start growing my own (totally legal gourmet) mushrooms. All of these things helped me rebuild a stronger sense of self that I am able to confidently share with others.

    Loneliness is just a feeling. We feel loneliness when our relationships are unfulfilling or we can not perceive the love and support we are being given by those around us. You can fight against this feeling by keeping a notebook or journal of daily gratitudes. **You** can also **BE THE FRIEND YOU WANT** to others by planning something and inviting other people along. Plan a day to go to an arcade, go bowling, see a movie, eat at a restaurant you’ve wanted to try. Don’t wait for someone to fall in to your lap and give you want you want. Give to others what you want for yourself and the right person will reciprocate 110% of the love you give them.

  21. mindful isolation keeps brain deterioration at bay. like youre aware that you are actually alone & you want to do something about it. physical activity is a good start. before you know it, people will be vibing with you cos of common hobby . when you have interaction your brain becomes active. exciting part is when friends become family. 🙂

  23. Are you me? The autism, the isolation at a young age, the inability to form or maintain a relationship – all of it. I’m 27. I started *really* isolating myself at around 19-20 years old and have experienced what you are describing in a nutshell. It’s gotten to a point where i feel like I’ve forgotten much of the English language, which really sucks because it’s the only language I know. Thank you for posting this. I’ve found that getting lost in a good book helps stimulate my mind with dialogue and imagery, kinda sparking some parts of my brain that desperately need it. Although like you said, it feels as though I have brain damage and it can be really hard to just *read*. Supplementing with algae omegas and iron has helped too. Feel free to me if you wanna chat.

  24. Does it cause damage ? Yes it does ,withouth a doubt.
    It is seriously bad for a human being to go with out a decent amount of quality social interaction for a long period of time for various reasons. We are build to be social creatures and the lack of social interaction for most people is linked to a reduced quality of life satisfaction and overall functioning.

    Can it be reversed? absolutely

    Like going to the gym and working out to grow your muscles you can do the same for your brain by doing mental work outs like socializing, reading , hobbies and adopting a more physicaly healthy lifestyle if you dont have one already. Proper sleep diet and exercise is a huge factor as well.

    It is a long term project so do not expect giant improvements short term. But if you consistently keep at it you are going to see your mental capacity get stronger and stronger over time.

    Good luck my friend

  26. Our brain grows in areas that we work on. If you don’t work on something, that doesn’t mean you have brain damage. It means you can work on it at any time. You also likely don’t have neural pathways needed to be an Olympic athlete or a professional musician. This is not the same as a neural deficit.

  28. I been isolated from people since a very long time and i am 31 RN, the effects i have faced is helplessnes and brain fog cause of my narc of an ex abusing me and no one was ready to help or talk to me at all when the abuse got worse, it was my NEX who caused me lot of damage and now i have impaired cognition and i not not good at english anymore as i used to be for not being native English speaker, apart from that i forgot my learned skills in other things in life, also feel loss of self and detached.

  30. I just want 3 good friends, a wife, kids, job that makes me happy but is still challenging at times, and to be relatively active enough to just be healthy enough to live a long life relatively complication free, a house that’s big enough to comfortably fit my family, a dog, a cat, 3 cars, and still some spare time to focus on hobbies. Is that to much to ask?

  33. Can you focus on things? Like programming/making a game/writing a book whatever. Something to strive for.

    I got same problem but can’t focus on learning a difficult skill and hate myself more for it. Can’t socialize or fulfill my own dreams.

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