I need a new perspective.
I (bisexual cis male 43) am married to my wife (bisexual cis woman 36). All my life I have had issues with my erection. I’m quick to get one but, often, I get into my head and lose my erection. Sometimes it happens right before sex but usually it happens during sex and it seems to be an issue of anxiety. I tell myself things like the following:
1. I’m annoying her
2. She’s bored
3. She’s dissatisfied
4. I’m disappointing her
5. I’m going to disappoint her
6. I feel incompetent
7. I am incompetent
8. I’m ugly
9. I’m ashamed of my body
10. I won’t stay hard
11. I don’t know what to do
12. Feeling frozen with terror at doing something wrong
Or, I have thoughts of guilt which make me lose my erection too like:
1. I masturbated today or yesterday so I won’t be able to perform in this moment
2. I want my nipples touched because without that I can’t stay erect but I’m ashamed of that need
3. I need excessive stimulation or I can’t stay erect and I’m ashamed of that need
4. I need novelty to stay erect but I’m ashamed of that need
5.I’ve looked at other people and I’m ashamed of that
6. I have fantasies involving men and women and I’m ashamed about that
7. I really enjoy prostate play and I’m ashamed about that.
I’ve been working with a sex and intimacy therapist and I’ve been working on sharing these thought with my wife. It’s been slow going but I try to remind myself that I’m 43, I’ve had these issues since I was a teenager and I’ve only begun to address them. Getting through the shame to even begin to talk about it was the toughest part. But it’s still tough and I’m losing patience. I often think that maybe I’m with the wrong person, or that maybe I’m really gay, or that maybe I just need to leave my family and live alone in the desert. If it’s relevant, I’ve been sober from drugs and alcohol for 12 years and I’m in recovery.
1 comment
You need to work more on asking yourself “Do I trust my partner?”
I feel like your instinctive answer is going to be “Of course, I trust her!” But clearly, you don’t. If you trusted her, you would trust that she’s capable of informing you if she’s bored. If you trusted her, you would trust her to tell you to leave her alone if she’s annoying you. If you trusted her, then you would trust that she would tell you something as important to the relationship as whether or not she’s disappointing you. If you trusted her, you would trust her to tell you if you were doing something wrong.
I can’t speak for your wife, because I don’t know her. But if I was in her position, I would feel a little insulted that you didn’t trust me to be a grown person capable of expressing my wants and desires as well as my limits.
Also, fwiw, if you do something wrong, that isn’t the end of a relationship. You’re catastrophizing here, and you really need to work on that with your therapist (because this is definitely a you problem, not a her problem). FWIW, my FWB does the wrong thing on a fairly regular basis. I mean, not all the time, but he’s a human so he’s gonna do shit wrong sometimes. He has a tendency to finger my clit too hard (and I need to keep reminding him). I LOVE giving that man head (to the point where I’m happy to do it and not receive reciprocation in any other way much of the time). But sometimes I feel a little neglected. When that happens, I use my grown up words and I tell him how I need it fixed. For example, I recently texted him and said (these are my ACTUAL texts to him):
>I could use a good fucking
>I think I need that soon. I’ve been paying a lot of attention to dick sucking, which I’m not at all complaining about. I’m ALWAYS happy to suck you. But I need to feel a little paid attention to too sometimes.
His response wasn’t to immediately feel guilty. He just agreed and said “Absolutely!” By not making it a big dramatic thing that I need to ask for something, he actually encourages communication. He makes it safe for me to communicate my needs, because he doesn’t make shit about him.
Learn to treat your partner like a grown ass woman who can make decisions for herself and communicate her needs to you. Doing anything less is a disservice to her.