sex differences ruining a good relationship
Hi everyone, this is my first post here, I am gonna try my best to follow all the rules etc. I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable with to speak about this problem so I thought I would give this a try.
Short version: my gf(21) and I (male) (23) are very different when it comes to sex and I feel like it starts ruining our relationship
Long version: my gf and I are in a relationship a bit over 3 years now and I love her with all my heart. The “problem” is that I am extremely sexual and she is not. She says that she likes sex, but (atleast to me) this does not really seem true and/or her perception of sex is way different than mine.
She does not like sending nudes, doesn’t talk in a sexting kinda way, doesn’t tease (with words, outfits, nudes, anything basically) and to say it frankly, if I wouldn’t start the sex we would never have it. I know based on previous relation-/situation-ships that I am someone who gets very excited by all of those things and more importantly I NEED those things to be turned on myself.
The thing is that I love to be the dominant one and I have no problem initiating sex, but I “feed” of the energy of the girl. So if she is really into it and even before seeing each other sends some risky texts or pics or whatever then that excitement makes me excited. Without that, I am basically not horny (this does not mean that a girl always needs to get me in the mood, but once again, I need some reciprocity). Additionally, she isn’t much active while having sex, is not into anything that is primarily meant to please me (oral, certain positions) and when asked about that, basically does not see a problem with the way it is atm, which is basically: I get her turned on, I do all the work, and I get her off.
On top of that, when I am trying to initiate sex, my gf is often acting in a way that makes it seem to me like she doesn’t want to have it (like making non sexual jokes that kinda ruin the mood, or distracting with another topic, or just not “reacting” to my initiation) and this would all be fine if she didnt want to have sex in that moment, but I asked her a couple times already and she did indeed want to have sex, aswell. She also often has problems with being a bit dry even after long foreplay and even if really wet I “hurt” her in certain positions (because of my size, we thought, but lately I feel like its because shes not turned on enough).
This is different to how it was in the beginning for like the first two years we never had those problems. Lately, all those problems together created an environment for me that made me dread situations were I would/should initiate sex, which is quite often the case because she likes to “complain” that we didnt have sex for a day or two, which makes it even worse for me because to me it sounds like shes saying “hey, why dont we have sex?” but every attempt I make on having it gets kinda hindered by her instead of encouraged and nurtured.
I guess it also comes with the underlying feeling that she is not attracted to me anymore and/or does not care about my pleasure, which ofc is not how I want to feel about the woman I love deeply (and its important to note that regardless of this, I still feel like she loves me even more than I love her, which is a very weird combination).
I guess that most comments are going to be that only she can fix this problem by talking with her about it, however, I am very worried about talking about this with her because for one she is very self-conscious and I think I would hurt her alot (and also her self-esteem/confidence in the bedroom) by bringing up an issue I have with her (and therefore make it even worse than it already is). And secondly, like I said, besides the sex issue, I still love her like crazy, and I am worried that a discussion about such incompatibilites might lead to a breakup eventually (which while it might be the ultimately right decision, if there really is no way to be compatible with each other, I am still debating with myself about if sex is more important than a otherwise amazing relationship like this). On top of that, this situation makes me more and more think back to past relationships were the girl was very active, which kinda worsens the whole situation since I remember feeling how it was in that case and start wishing it back.
I am sorry for this very long text, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading it.
Should I talk with her and if so how? Does my perception seem fair to you or am I thinking too selfishly? Would sex incompatibility be something you would give up a otherwise good relationship for? Any advice would be greatly appreciated (and if there are any questions I am happy to answer).
Thank you guys 🙏
TL;DR I have to do everything regarding sex, gf seems a bit uninterested (very low sex drive vs high sex drive), and it causes problems for me to be happy and carefree in the relationship
7 comments
You should definitely talk with her. Your perception is entirely fair because sexual compatibility is an important part of relationships and you’re allowed to have needs. I personally would not stay with anyone I was not sexually compatible with.
Yeah, most of this is incompatibility and talking is the only thing that might help. But use lube. That’s simple and easy, and as you get older, likely to become more important anyway. Just make sure it’s a condom-safe lube when with someone where you are using condoms.
you’re male, female, or other?
Her not sending nudes is valid. That’s a massive risk in of itself these days.
Other than that try to speak with her in a relaxed setting over this.
Ask her what turns her on and off, what positions she likes and what tempo she likes. She may be asexual, but since this was not a problem in the past I think it may be because she’s never really turned on before the initiation happens. All women are different, but as a rule you should consider forplay to be your behavior towards her in the hours/days before initiation and “forplay” to be her main meal. PiV sex is made much more pleasurable for her with a vibrator, so get her a good one if she doesn’t have one. If she’s rarely truly turned on and the sex never really happens the way she likes as well as hurts her, it’s no wonder she does not engage in it. So try to establish her needs and her attitude may change. If she still won’t engage and meet your needs I’d say you are incompatible.
Sexual compatibility can eb and flow in long term relationships and it’s completely normal. Don’t listen to people who are saying this means she’s asexual. This has happened in my relationship (F20,F22). I’d recommend making sure she’s emotionally satisfied as this can lead to her not wanting to have sex. For example, are you helping around the house, does she feel understood by you, are you there for her, do you listen and share? Then try being physically intimate in ways that are not sexual, give her a massage, play with her hair, rub her feet, scratch her back, lightly touch her everywhere with you fingertips, run her a bath and wash her hair for her etc. If you do these things you need to put in genuine effort and not just do them for five seconds. Physically intimacy like that can realllyyy get women turned on
Based on your age, the vibe I’m getting from your post is you spend a lot of your time in the relationship being a Randy Andy and wanting to get something sexual.
People do get tired of that. How do you make her feel valued beyond just finding her sexually attractive? Can you have conversations with her or demonstrations of affection that aren’t about sex or getting sex or being turned on?