Hello! I (24, female) have been having this issue for a while, my dad (60, male) knows I hate conflict and am kinda scared of him, so he starts conflicts because he knows I won’t fight back.
Our latest conflict, I recently started calling my mom’s dad and stepmom Grammy and Pop. This makes me so happy, because it makes me feel like they love me and that I belong.
My dad, is angry about this for some unknown reason. (I am not replacing anyone, nor am I being disrespectful.) And he demands that I call them by their first names. Because “I don’t know who you’re talking about!”
Here’s the thing, he’ll adjust, so I don’t see why I have to call them by their first names just to make Dad comfortable.
Everything gets swept under the rug in this family, and I’m the kind of person that needs a script of what to say, so if you have any advice on how to stand up to him that would be very much appreciated.
TLDR: How do I stand up to my dad when it comes to what I call my Grammy and Pop?
5 comments
I think I need more details to really advise. First, do you live with your father? Are you financially independent? Do you want a maintain a relationship with him? How close a relationship?
You live under your Dad’s roof? His house, his rules.
(Call Grammy and Pop from outside his property’s boundaries.)
I’m not saying it’s not there (maybe more examples would help) but I don’t necessarily see that the example you give demonstrates that he just likes starting conflicts because you won’t fight back. He gave a reason (that you using those words makes communication more difficult because he doesn’t know who you are talking about). Normally, I’d say come up with a resolution that addresses that reason (e.g. call them “Grammy Jane and Pop Joe” for a transition period and then drop the names). You seem to just be dismissing outright the idea that he might be confused from the new way you started referring to people rather than taking it seriously that maybe it’s real.
Assuming you’re right that there is a broad issue of him *intentionally* starting conflicts *because* he knows you won’t fight back, I think the first step is to just try to understand what he’s getting out of it. You might be able to take away whatever joy he gets out of starting conflict with you without actually fighting back in the moment.
I suppose I can also ask… is he aware that you feel this way?
Socrative method. Question what and why he says things. Especially important the more weird or demanding or annoying something is.
“I don’t know who you are talking about?”
Wow that’s weird, did you think about what I said for a second? Here I will say it again, Grammy and pop. Do you remember talking about this before? Most other people understood who I’m referring to. I chose pops for grandpa because it sounds fun to me. The reason I said Grammy is because it is is just a short form of the full term grandmother or grandma. Who else do you think could I be talking about when I say that? If you aren’t sure who I am talking about, you should try to pay more attention to the conversation. You can ask me who I am referring to if you aren’t following along.
2 benefits to this method. A, it draws attention to what he is asking for: Wanting things and procedures to be done in accordance to his preferences. There’s nothing funnier than not engaging or adding onto what someone said. lnstead just remarking about how weird a comment was to say.
B, it’s procedurally a massive waste of time. It’s more inconvenient for him to go through this line of questioning than it is to just learn.
Humans are as lazy as we can get away with. You, or your dad are not exceptions to this. He’s likely not malignant, just lazy. The goal isn’t an argument it is to make him have to spend alot of time explaining himself.
Don’t ever feel obligated to defend yourself. instead make him explain why he is on the offensive.
You don’t really need to say anything. You don’t need to stop. He can’t control your names for other people. Just keep doing it and if he wants to bluster about it, he can. I’m sure he’ll realize you won’t stop and get tired of throwing his childish fit.