TLDR; My cousins are housing a pedophile and my husband said he will leave me if they step foot in our house again. I don’t know how to go about this situation.
Also I don’t know if this violates the rules so I’m sorry if it does. I’m not asking for advice on anything minor related, only asking advice on my marriage, the other information is just backstory.
I want to make sure I can be as unbiased as possible in my telling of this so I’ll start with some backstory.
My husband (27M) doesn’t get along super well with my family for a number of reasons. Some stuff I agree with and some stuff I don’t. He thinks I should cut them all off but I don’t think it’s to that point. My mom is wonderful, she has some questionable takes for sure and has a hard time setting boundaries, but she’s always been my biggest support and best friend.
My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years. We’ve lived with my mom for 4 of those 5 years, mainly because my dad passed away and my mom can’t afford to live on her own right now. We also cannot afford to live on our own since he doesn’t work, he’s been going to school for about 4 months now so I’m glad he’s doing something to get his life together.
While my husband doesn’t exactly like my family he can tolerate them for the most part and it’s not bad when we’re together. However I have these 2 cousins, we will call them Amy and Samuel, my blood cousin and her boyfriend who my husband cannot stand to even be in the same room as. It’s been a huge issue throughout our entire relationship. I used to be really close with them until they stole money from my dying father and then lied about it. Since then we’ve been strained but I’m civil for my mom because my mom still likes having them around. She is definitely one of those people who say “well family is family”. We don’t really see them all that often, maybe once every few months or so, so to me it’s whatever.
A few weeks ago, we found out that Samuel’s best friend since birth is probably going to prison for sexually assaulting his 13 year old step daughter. It came as a shock to everyone, i even dated this guy a long time ago and I was completely blindsided and disgusted. Amy and Samuel have a 2 year old daughter together, and my mom basically threatened to call the cops if she found out Samuels friend was around their daughter. We were assured that it wouldn’t happen and that his friend is looking at 10+ years in prison.
On Saturday we had a family barbecue and Amy and Samuel came with their daughter. I happened to over hear a conversation Samuel was having with his mom and he said something along the lines of, “if my bedroom door is locked that means [friend] is in there.” I obviously wasn’t supposed to hear this, so after everyone left I told my mom. My mom didn’t do anything about it or confront them in any way and is saying basically “as long as they keep their bullshit away from here”.
Well my husband found out about all of this and last night he basically gave me an ultimatum. He said that if we allow my cousins back into our house, he is going to leave me. I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I get this is where he draws the line. He doesn’t want people around who are housing a pedophile with their child in the same house. On the other hand, I know this isn’t going to do anything. He wants me to talk to my mom, but I know that my mom won’t set that boundary, and I also know if she did, it wouldn’t stop them from doing what they want. I told my husband as long as they never bring the friend around our house, I don’t care if they come around occasionally.
This is also not the first time my husband has said he wants to leave because of my family. I’m a mess. My husband and I have our issues, but he’s my best friend. I don’t want to be divorced at 25. But i don’t know if I can keep doing this. I always feel like I have to play peacemaker because if I don’t he wants to leave me.
This is where I need advice. How should I go about this situation? Do I talk to my mom and try to get her to set that boundary, or do I just tell my husband if that’s how he feels then he should just go? Am I looking at this all the wrong way? I’m completely lost.
If you took time to read this, thank you.
EDIT: I appreciate all of the comments. I have been reading every single one. The majority are very harsh and I know now I really needed a reality check. I could go without the death threats in my inbox but I understand it.
I want to clear some things up. The pedophile is out on a conditional release. I found it on our states county website. It doesn’t list the conditions but I’m sure it includes not being able to be around minors. I believe he is set for a trial at some point. I haven’t talked to the pedo in over 6 years since we broke up and he was not allowed in my house before this because he is an ex and it would be disrespectful to have him around my husband. I do not want him near me at all.
My dilemma more so was because my mom and I are the only ones who contribute to the house for the most part, especially financially. I didn’t know if it was my place to tell my mom who she can and can’t have around. She is now planning on calling the cops to have the pedo removed from their home.
My husband is at school right now, but I may be having a conversation on how he truly feels about me right now. Because I am feeling like the lowest of the low and I know it’s deserved.
I will continue to read your comments. Thank you again.
41 comments
I’m with your husband on this one. If they want to house a paedophile they should be ostracised.
I’m gonna be very blunt and harsh.
You don’t know what you should do involving AN ACTUAL PEDO AND PEOPLE THAT HOUSE HIM?
Really?
People like you that make excuses cuz taking a stand inconveniences them, are sick.
Hope he divorces you since you’re showing who you are and are a danger to any potential kids he would have with you.
Don’t have kids.
Easy. You tell your Mom they are not allowed over.
Then you tell them that they are no longer allowed to see you, or your family.
Then you and your husband enforce the boundary by kicking them out/chasing them away if they even come close to you home or family.
Why would you want anything to do with people who are putting their child at risk?
Surely the guy can’t be around children? You ring the cops. How could you not? Don’t wait. Don’t speak to your mother. You call the cops and report a minor in danger.
Your husband is right. Your family is toxic. You found out your cousins are willing to have their daughter and a pedophile in one house and you’re willing to turn a blind eye for the sake of peacemaking? I would not feel safe having kids with you and that mindset especially with your mess of a family around.
If you guys are still living with your mom and she is unwilling to set that boundary, then it’s time to move out. That’s a third option that you failed to consider. If not, then tell your husband he should go.
You need to finally make a choice between your husband and your family and deal with the consequences.
Really? You are ok with being around someone who hangs out with a pedophile, you are gross and your whole family is toxic.
Hopefully your husband leaves
It’s disgusting that you’re even hesitating choosing between your husband and people who fucking support pedophiles. If my family ever supported someone who did something like that, I would never in a million years talk to them again. You need to do some self-reflecting.
I hope this is just rage bait.
Your husband is 100% right, you’re 100% willing to leave that child at risk for your own comfort. Honestly just the fact that you think that there is a decision to be made here would be enough that I would be so disgusted with you I would never be able to stay with you. Your husband should report it to the police/ host parole officer, leave you, and cut off your gross enabling family.
I think most people have said it but am siding with your husband. I don’t get why that’s a difficult decision. You and your husband are paying towards the house and bills so you get a say in what happens in the house.
I’m with your husband, maybe you need to lay down the law with your family.
Your husband is clearly in a moral quandary. If I was him, I would say I want nothing more to do with your family, but you can, they must never enter this house. If you respect him you would lay down the law, respect his wishes and you can have the best of both worlds. Unfortunately I don’t think you have the backbone for it.
He will leave you if you don’t step up and do the right thing. Is doing nothing worth it?
Sorry, you judge them (rightly), but won’t forbid them to come to the house? Why exactly? You are three people in the house, your husband doesn’t want them to come, you don’t want them to come, no matter what your mom says that’s already two out of three who don’t want them there. Why is this such a hard boundary for you to set?
You have some serious work to do on setting priorities with your loyalties and on setting boundaries yourself. Your mom can still be your friend while adhering to the boundaries you set in the apartment you live in, too. Read it again and remember: you live there, too. Your opinion matters, so HAVE AN OPINION and be consequent about it.
Also call the goddamn cops about this child having to live in a house with a known child predator. Holy shit. Do not leave her there. That’s not an option.
Cut your cousins and the pedo out if your life
You are lost because you can’t take a stand against people who support pedophiles.
The problem isn’t your family, is you. You are a horrible person.
Your husband would be better off without people like you and your family around.
I just feel sorry for the kids
Your cousins are trash and you and your mom are spineless. These pieces of shit stole from your dying dad and housed a pedophile in the same place as their daughter and you’re still unsure about cutting them off? What the fuck?
Hubby sounds like a lazy mooch but he’s right in this situation.
….I’d leave your ass too, what the fuck? Your cousins are genuinely horrible people—first they steal from your dying father and now theyre cool with a child rapist being in their house? The idea of being around someone so morally bankrupt makes me nauseous. I truly hope they lose custody of their daughter since they have no interest in protecting her. The only thing I’m critical of your husband for is the fact that he’s threatened to leave because of your messed up family multiple times and hasnt done it yet. Shit or get off the pot, dude.
I’m siding with your husband on this one, these are the same cousins who in your own words have stolen from your dying father and then lied about it, and now they are housing a man who sexually assaulted his 13 year old step daughter in their home with their own toddler daughter.
Being blood obviously doesn’t mean the same thing to them as it does your mother. They are willing to put their gain and benefit above blood relatives. Having them in your life means that they could do the same to you, your mother, your husband and your future. You need to be strong, not let your cousins walk all over you and your mom.
Your husband is looking out for your future when it’s so easy for you to look the other way and “make peace” with bad family members.
A pedophile is not the hill to die on.
Your family is made up of enablers and I’d probably take a stand at some point too. I don’t even think it’s that big an ask not to allow them in the house. I don’t know why you’d want to keep them in your life anyway. We are the company we keep.
Call childrens protective services and let them know your cousins have a minor child and are allowing a pedophile to live with them.
Hot take, your cousins sound like not so wholesome individuals to put it nicely ,and your mom is an enabler.
I’ve seen this before with people we’re no matter how bad/toxic the family members “there family” and we have to basically turn a blind eye to their bad behavior.
I’d agree with your husband ,I wouldn’t let them in my home and I’d be call CPS on them for being the upstanding parents they are
So… our quandary is whether or not we should cut off our pedo-supporting cousins and NOT CALLING CPS FOR THAT KID?! Did I read that right? Ffs, y’all a whole dang mess forget your marriage take care of your niece tf is wrong with you all
Call the cops unless you want your dying regret to be letting a kid get abused and traumatized
It’s crazy to me how nobody but your husband seems to care about a child molester being supported by your family.
Why are you still talking to people who stole from your dead father?
I don’t even care about your relationship at this point, I’m much more concerned about the fact that NO ONE HAS CONTACTED CPS YET?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! He’s a pedophile, on an offender’s list, there’s a reason he’s not allowed children. CALL CPS, THEIR DAUGHTER IS IN DANGER!
(And speaking of danger, your marriage is in danger if you play that “family is family” bullshit like your mother. She said she’d call CPS if they let her near their daughter, now she doesn’t care what the pedophile does as long as it doesn’t affect her directly? Your mother is a monster.)
So pedophiles having access to children isn’t your hard line?
You really are a mess if you are questioning this. “I’m not sure if I should hang around people that help a pedophile.” Family or not that makes me question your character and clearly your husband.
I mean I would leave too. Your family casually talking about locking doors because kids can’t be trusted around people in their house is appalling. If I was your husband I would be thinking about whether I could even think about bringing kids into this family.
If you can’t take a hard stance then you should let your husband go and for the love of everything never have children.
Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. I’m with your husband on this one. You and your whole family are gross.
How are you so torn about it?
They are living with a PEDOPHILE. You are the company you keep. I would leave you too if you allowed those kinds of people into my house and around my children.
What is wrong with you? Why are you treating it like they let a kid stole some candy from the shop?
You’re husband is allowed to set this boundary. I would do the same. It sends a strong and unified message and leaves no room for ambiguity. You can still have a relationship with your mom..cutting out the cousins seems easy enough + they have already shown their true colours with the theft. To be honest, I’m not sure why this is such a dilemma..? I get that you feel he’s saying you have to choose but I wonder if he felt he had to go that route because he sensed you might waffle. And one more thing..you are obliged to inform the cops of this situation. His parole conditions would definitely not allow this. If you don’t, you are culpable.
What is wrong with you and your crazy family ? Your husband should leave you and call the cops to report your family for housing a pedophile .
You should cut anyone off who supports sexual predators. They don’t deserve support. I did cut off almost my entire family for supporting the person who molested me, the only ones I kept were my sister and her family because they cut off the family too.
Edit- you should also be reporting to cps that your cousins are hosting a pedo around their child.
So everyone in your family is fine standing by while this child is put at risk? Any halfway decent person would call cps or the police. You are failing that child. Frankly everyone in this story sounds like a crappy person.
The fact your not even calling the police on them to protect that baby girl is insane! How is this even a question where are your morals?
Oh man. Everyone sucks in this. Pedos and those that enable them get to eff right off. Husbands who have a pattern of hating on your family so that you have a hard time distinguishing what’s good and bad can also eff right off. Ditch them all and get some therapy.
The fact you’re willing to have any kind of contact with people who will allow a paedophile near their young child is … horrific. I’d never ever allow you near a child or if I was your husband, have a child with you. Your judgement is fucked. There is NO way he would be allowed in the house of a child and none of you thought the cops should know? I mean …. Holy fuck. You are not a good person at all to have even dared to question that ultimatum.
Ask yourself what you stand to lose by agreeing with and enforcing the hard boundary your husband laid down. Sounds like the answer is “not much.” The occasional visit by some people who you don’t even care if they show up or not.
Now contrast that with what you stand to lose if you choose to die on this hill. One: your marriage, and possibly custody of your kids if you have any, because he will use this against you. Two: a potential molestation if the guy shows up with the cousins (there’s _always_ some extenuating circumstance where people say “we didn’t think it would be a problem just this once”) and your ex-husband being vindicated that his boundaries wouldn’t be respected.
Again, I’m kind of baffled why you are so wedded to the idea of having something not matter. It matters to him. If it matters to one person and doesn’t matter to the other, the one to whom it doesn’t matter should acquiesce. Not the other way around.
Your husband is right, you are wrong, and your mom is toxic.
It seems like maybe you’ve internalized your mother’s tendencies and don’t really see a point in setting boundaries. That is understandable. I can relate.
This is an excellent example of where a boundary NEEDS to be set. Stick with your husband. You two are a team and you’re going to need each other.