I have a disorder that makes it really hard for me to remember things, or put 2 and 2 together. I’ve always been like this, and it’s always kind of annoyed my friends but they know I can’t help it and so it’s become more of a running joke. But things have become different now that I have a romantic partner.
Basically she feels like I do not listen to her. I do though. Give me enough time, or give me some hints/tips to work with, and I can find the memory. But for some reason my brain cannot organize memories effectively, if that makes sense, so whenever I have to dig up a memory, it’s like I have to enter a disorganized shed in my brain and look through all the shelves until I find the memory I need. For example, a conversation often goes like this:
“Okay I’ll be going to bed now”
“This early?”
“Yeah, because I gotta get up early.”
“Why? What are you doing?”
“I’ve told you this twice already.”
\*silence\*
“… Uh, oh yeah, the appointment.”
“Yeah.”
I get that this happens to everyone but this is COMMON for me. If it is not some major piece of information, I really struggle remembering things. And it’s affecting my relationship with my partner. She feels I do not listen. She feels I do not care about her, or what she has to say. Because I struggle to remember things. I’ve noticed she’s less talkative now, and it hurts. Because I want to listen to her talk about her day. I want her to tell me what she did and what she plans to do. I want to be able to bring up small things she mentions in later conversations.
What can I do? I don’t want to be useless. I don’t want to appear cold or uncaring. I want to be normal.
47 comments
How much have you guys talked about your disorder?
Okay so do you have an actual disorder? What other parts of life does this impact? your job? hobbies?
Because if not. Better start taking notes anytime your partner mentions something. Open your notes app and start organising the things she’s told you about her life. You can also hold talleys on your arm.
If you do have an actual disorder, find professional help. You’re making it sound serious. Short term memory loss is no joke.
Sit down with her when there’s not an issue of you forgetting something and say, “I’d like to talk more about my —— diagnosis. I know it’s affecting you and our relationship.”
Hopefully, you’re already in counseling and you can talk with your person about how this is impacting your relationship. Get some help with the best way to explain it.
ALL of our issues impact our relationships. Talking about it and figuring out solutions together is key….be open with her. Explain that you know it’s difficult and might put undue burden on her.
If you haven’t been diagnosed, get yourself to the doctor right away and stop saying you have a disorder.
I hope this works out. It’s clear that you care.
Find a partner that can understand your disorder.
I have a brain disease. It makes my memory (short and long term) total shit. I can have a memory one day and forget the next. I have a long term partner. He reminds me when I need to be reminded. I put things in my calendar frequently to use as a back up Incase i forget. I have forgotten our child’s name before and this man just gently reminded me.
INFO: what disorder are we talking about exactly? And what treatment options have you tried, if any exist?
You have an actual disorder that affects your memory, she needs to be more understanding. I think you should talk to her and reiterate what you said about how you miss her talking, how you love listening to her. What I think is happening here is that for people without memory issues, forgetting small logistical things like that is often an outcome of not caring about your partner. So she feels that you’re not caring. But she needs to acknowledge that your issues are real and that *no matter how much you care* you will forget things like this. You wouldn’t remember all those little things if you just “cared more”.
I think you should ask her if you make her feel cared for and loved in general – in *other* ways. Do you engage in her interests? Do you express love in her love languages? Do you know her really well? Because if she doesn’t feel cared for *in general,* you can work together to figure out ways for you to express that that are actually possible for you. And if she realizes that she does feel cared for in general, she will hopefully realize that she shouldn’t be taking your memory issues personally.
Your girlfriend is being a jerk and is insecure. She wants you to remember every little detail of everything she’s told you because does not feel important and needs you to make up her own internal failings. This is not something you need to fix. Who even cares if you can remember all this crap about her details of her day? I bet she tests you a lot when she thinks you might forget something too. My advice is that you’ve let her make you think this is a you problem when this is really a her problem. Stand fast to forgetting stuff and don’t act like you did something wrong when you do. Act like she is doing something wrong when she’s being pissy about it. If you do not take control of this situation she will always hold power over you in a relationship that should be between equals.
Using a calendar and planner could help? Calendar for shared stuff and planner just for you? I have suspected adhd and I have to write everything down or it doesn’t exist anymore. Using my planner helps a lot! Can write in appointments etc and review regularly.
Not sure if this is relevant but i have had the same complaint and I fixed it by paying more attention. I used to be a “chronic phone presser.” I was always on the phone until I read about how badly it contributed to my forgetfulness.
I limited my screen time and I’ve been surprising myself lately
I suggest getting diagnosed because to me it sounds pretty serious, after being diagnosed tell her why you struggle
Write things down coming from someone with ptsd and having that brain fog all the time or set alarms/reminders in your phone.
I also have ADHD and struggle with remembering details. Here’s some stuff that works for me, ymmv:
– Make sure you are *actually fully and actively listening* when she talks. My mind has a way of drifting, especially if I’m talking on the phone to someone, and it becomes really easy to just say “uh-huh” at the right moments but not really be paying attention. Look into active listening techniques. Ask questions, paraphrase what she’s saying, make eye contact (if in person).
– I use a paper planner to keep up with stuff. Phone alarms and reminders don’t work for me, but a paper planner does as long as I remember to use it. You certainly don’t have to write down every detail of her life, but if she brings up something like an appointment or an important test or event, just jot down when it is.
If you have an iPhone there’s a Reminder app that’s built in. Im sure Android would have a similar app. If your brain can’t handle all the small information, put it somewhere you’ll be able to see it.
Have you tried using a small calendar notebook to write down events so you know they’re coming, or some kind of note app on your phone? You might be able set it up to give reminders, or be able to search through it for specific words/events.
There are 3 ways to imprint memories if I remember correctly lol, listen to what is being said, repeat it with your own voice and write it down. Use a mix of these repeatedly, the more important stuff should stick with some practice. Develop some disciplines around keeping a calendar and taking notes for yourself. Set alarms. There are so many tools available. If this is really bothering you don’t be lazy about the solutions. Find something that works. People deserve your best.
My boyfriend and I are the exact same way, we both really struggle with short term memory. I’ve started writing things down that he or I mention throughout the week for things we want to accomplish/want to do or if he has plans so I remember (I have bpd and change in plans is a split trigger for me and I want to avoid splitting as much as I can) writing this down whether it’s on a note pad or our phones helps us a lot BUT everyone is different. Honestly as much as you’ve probably heard it, finding a routine that works for you is your best bet. We always tried to just remember things but all it did was cause us to be frustrated at ourselves. Writing stuff down when you hear it doesn’t make you any less of a person!! If it helps it helps 🙂
I have that problem alot! I find that when I need to remember something… specially something including times dates or apts. Or important random things … I have a little notebook I write in.. and it works for me for 2 different reasons.. 1.. I can always reread it every morning.. and 2.. ur brain works in many ways.. when it comes to remembering.. your brain works mainly in 3 ways.. hearing, speaking, and writing it.. I find that when I hear it, then write it down, and say it later.. I have a much better time remembering things.
So I have adhd and sometimes have issues remembering things so because of this I either keep notes in my note app on my phone or write something down on a sticky note.
There’s information missing here: have you told her about your disorder? Has she looked it up online herself to educate herself about it, or did you thoroughly explain it to her? What was her reaction when you first told her about your disorder? What happens when you remind her about your disorder? Has she been making attempts to accommodate your disorder, or does she not do anything?
It’s her responsibility to accept your disorder; being upset at your partner over a disorder they can’t control is shitty—it’s not your fault. You might need couple’s counseling so a therapist can help hammer into her how unhelpful and damaging her behavior is since she’s ignoring your disorder and treating you like you’re doing it on purpose.
As for remembering actual important things you need to know, obviously just write things down in calendars and reminder apps. There are a billion ways to document important reminders and things to remember. But as for smaller things, it’s necessary that your partner acknowledge your disorder and not shame you or make you feel bad for it, or continually forget you have one.
This happens with me… suffered a really bad head injury as a kid. I know its also annoying if someone has to constantly repaet anything to mem so I alwsy type little reminder in my phone or physically write them in my palm
My boyfriend has ADHD too and often struggles remembering things I tell him, he’s especially bad with dates. It helps when he puts things into a calendar, the one on your phone will do absolutely fine. Just helps to be able to look at something to remind you quickly! I hope everything works out okay for you guys : )
Not advise … But I just wanted to say that it’s not as easy to get a diagnosis as people are making it out to be. Especially if it is an illness that is new/ not fully understood.
Keep persevering with getting a diagnosis as it will make your life so much easier. But don’t let all these people get to you.
You’ve got this!
Make notes as well. It helps
You can practice active listening, where you interact more with what your partner says in a conversation, (repeating parts back, acknowledging things with more than a yes no etc.)
This should show her that you are listening, and might help with your memory, as repetition is one way to imprint a memory for easier recall.
Some people have mentioned using an app or similar, it’s a good idea, but I wouldn’t be pulling your phone out to make notes or recall things during a conversation.
I struggle with this like ALOT I have pretty severe adhd, I write down EVERYTHING I need to remember.
Honestly a conversation needs to happen because while your diagnosis is affecting your relationship, it’s affecting your relationship primarily because I think she has the issue a lot of NT people have of not taking ADHD or autism seriously. People often “romanticize” (for lack of better word) these disorders and dismiss the hard parts of those diagnosis
It’s important to develop coping skills of course, but no amount of coping will make you NOT adhd or autistic.
– Autistic woman
My dad is like this. He learnt to write things down. When I needed financial help I would call and ask. He would agree then at the end of the call ask me to text it to him because he will forget.
My mum knows this about him so has developed this habit of telling him stuff multiple times. Sometimes it’s a “oh! Thanks for reminding me” and other times its “yes dear…” they know he has a weak memory so work around it together, instead of getting mad. he can’t help it so why make him feel worse about it.
Mum now repeats things over and over again to me but it’s from a place of love so… 👍🤣
Edit: nothing wrong with you and I’m sure discussing how it makes you feel with her will help. She can help you remember. Be a team
I have fibromyalgia and while it’s more known for nerve pain, there is a symptom referred to as “fibro fog” which causes memory loss and concentration/thinking. I’m a spouse and parent with a part time job teaching. It’s been mentioned before, but reminders through your calendar. The alarm will go off to remind you. This has been beneficial. And note taking with new information.
What I’ve done is asked my SO to be patient and help me remember things. To also write notes and send reminders the closer to times things get. As of right now my child has an appointment that a week before I have to confirm of the appointment drops. It’s been several weeks since the appointment and several weeks out still. Obviously important. I have reminders each week, the day of, a few days before. The day before. You get the picture. It’s frustrating, but getting into the habit of doing it is beneficial. I don’t always remember to but I do with help of my spouse saying I should.
It’s nice seeing others having the same issues I am not nice that we have these issues but nice to not be alone lol . My partner feels the same way,now I try and write in my notes things he tells me that I should remember. I could be going to do something and once I finally go to do it I can’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing I have to search in my brain as well lol
I also have ADHD and my poor memory drives my poor partner mad. Apart from educating him on how my brain works as best I can, and him being a very patient person, the best thing we’ve found that helps is a white board in the kitchen. One colour pen for notes for myself, one for him so I know where he’s at/what he’s doing/when he’s back, and another for “emergency” to do’s like getting tyres changed, doctors appointments etc.
All the apps and note pads in the world don’t help me if I don’t remember to look at them, this is in my face every day.
I hope she can find a way to understand, and things are resolved 🤞
My girlfriend has memory problems and I have to remind her constantly about things. So I put sticky notes everywhere to remind her about things. What also helps her is to say something over and over again. Your girlfriend shouldn’t be upset with you because you can’t control it. My girlfriend has told me a story about a possum she found when she was a kid over and over again. I’ve heard it so many times I can say it word for word. I sit there and listen because I love her. It can get annoying repeating myself but I remind myself that she’s really trying to remember, it just takes time to stick. Sit her down and talk to her, try to make her understand your point.
To start you need to write everything down. Set alarms for when you need to do something. Also maintain a detailed calendar as a backup. Both of you need to schedule an appointment with a specialist for this disorder. She needs to hear what specialist says in person.
I’ve got the same issue.. I’ll know something, but it takes me forever to dig it up..but it’s never actually caused issues in my relationships. Sounds like your partner just isn’t being understanding.. While trying to get better about remembering is good. Your partner needs to realize it’s not something you can just snap your fingers and fix.
Yeah dude that happend to me, I lost my partner because she kept saying I wasn’t listening… found out couple years later I had ADD. We fit perfectly otherwise, I wonder sometimes if I had the medication before would it have been different.
So as someone who struggles with this exact same issue here are some things that helped me remember things that others tell me. 1) Attach some strong emotion or sentiment to what the other person is telling you (I.e. if your partner tells you that they’re going to the doctor for something serious or in general think “Oh, are they gonna be okay?” The concern will help you remember better because remembering the concern will remember the information). 2) Doing something to yourself like pinching yourself will help you to remember things because remembering the physical pain will help you remember the information being told. 3) Jotting down or repeating (asking questions also works) what is being told to you will also work since it helps to solidify the information, writing often helps with remembering as does repetition. Your partner (or friend) doesn’t have to be the one repeating things for you to remember you can also repeat to yourself or repeat to them to help you remember. Here’s a bonus tip for you, if you can help your partner adjust their way of reminding you or informing you of things then it’ll help immensely, for example “Hey I’m going to sleep early cause I have an appointment tomorrow”. Remember, this is relationship and you guys both have to work together to make each others lives easier but you also have to do your part so that your “things” don’t affect your partner. Good luck!
Immediately repeat what was said back to her. Do it several times if necessary. Repetition is key
My husband is like this. I assume it his related to ADHD. Or maybe playing football.
I wish he would care more about the fact that it hurts that he doesn’t remember things about me. My suggestions that I wish my husband was willing to do.
Take notes. Either while she speaks or right after. Every day write down everything she said. Go to the bathroom and put notes on your phone. Or have a handwritten notebook. Then go over your notes daily. Keep a journal.
How do you remember things at work? Use those strategies. Repeat things back to her or in your own head.
It is horrible to feel like I am living Groundhog Day where it’s like the previous day didn’t happen. It is horrible to feel like 50 first dates. She at least studied everyday.
I have been married 30 years and he loves me. But I don’t bother discussing things with him anymore and I don’t share a lot. I don’t ask him to do things. He hurts my feelings daily by not knowing things about me, forgetting things, etc.
I compensate for him all the time and I am kind about it. Today he texted me to ask when his payday is. That didn’t bother me. But yesterday him not knowing I hate all melons? Last week him not knowing that while we were married I went to evening classes and was working on a second degree in a different field until I had kids? Every story he tells about our life together has the details all wrong. (My four kids are pretty grown now so they know he doesn’t remember things accurately about them or about the past too).
Not sure if someone said this already but you can always take notes, like keeping a diary of what yall talked about that day and/or to keep track of her plans.
However if you feel like this is too tedious since you’re basically keeping track of two people’s schedules, then maybe you should either have a convo with her like the others suggested. But if not, then maybe it’s better to just find someone who doesn’t mind your disorder.
OP I have very similar memory issues. I’ve been tested and info goes in but is harder to come back out. I’m on adhd meds made a huge difference. If your meds don’t work it means you need to try a new one.
My spouse is patient as I explained to him that it’s not that I’m not paying attention or not listening, it’s that in the moment I can’t remember or my brain blanked when they said it. (I’m terrible with names).
Your partner needs to understand thay repeating things may be necessary and understand that. Don’t be blamed for something not your fault. You are as valuable as anyone else.
Talk to her, if she doesn’t understand then she’s not going to compromise on a lot of things I’d imagine.
Also for ppl saying take notes. Thats a good thing within reason, I use my notes app. But it’s not like you can take notes during a conversation or check your notes when your gf asks you something each time when she can just say it.
You cannot be with someone who will take this personally or hold it against you. She needs to work with you, you are a team.
Best of luck!
And take your meds!
Create a joint calendar, so when she has an event it appears for both of you, you should use it too of course. It worked great to coordinate my family.
I personally found as a person with adhd that if I’m not 100% engaged; Listening, repeating, clarifying the simplest thing, its in one ear and out the other. This was ESPECIALLY bad when I was in a period of video games or studying. First person shooters require the stupidest amount of focus. I either need to pause, die on purpose or simply say, “sorry just give me 5 seconds, I’m either going to clutch or die and then once it happens I’m all ears”.
Give her gentle reminders, check in several times a day even just to refresh what she has said to you.
“You said you had to go somewhere right? Was it the dentist? I’m just trying to recall…” it can really help process it once you hear it a few times over.
Communication is key. Perhaps she needs a reminder just as you do! Best of luck.
My father has a terrible short term memory. He keeps a small notepad and makes notes about important things. Some people think it’s funny but it works for him. For me, him writing something down so he can make sure to remember shows me he finds it important. Knowing the things I say to him are important makes me feel good.
I am so glad I can see someone else struggling with this! I literally just had a conversation with my boyfriend about my bad memory bc he said that we have important memories together and I said “like what?” And he took it as I didn’t remember any rather than I just had no memory to spark whatever he was talking about. It drives him insane bc he doesn’t get how I can remember whole conversations but not little things but I honestly cannot help it
In the first year my husband and I were dating, he suffered a TBI and his memory has been affected ever since. We have made adjustments in our household over the years (nearly 10 years together now) to make life easier. We share a joint calendar and grocery list with both of our activities, events, and needed household items (like appointments, friend outings, tickets for events, date night) so he can always see what we have going on ahead of time. He can’t remember more than a few days to a week in advance, so when he wants to plan his own family or friend activities, it makes it easier for him to have that freedom without needing to ask me if we scheduled something already. I handle time sensitive responsibilities. I pay the bills every month, manage finances, and schedule appointments for our pet or car maintenance. I ask him nearly every time we go somewhere or leave (it’s a habit now), if he has his phone, wallet, keys or locked the car. For a similar reason, we clean the house together but I do the majority of organizing because I can recall where we store things. These logistically make our life together easier, but most importantly, I don’t mind if he’s forgetful. It doesn’t hurt my feelings because I know it’s not intentional or malicious. I still think it’s funny the 3rd time he’s told the same joke, and he still listens intently when I’m telling a story from work that he heard earlier in the week. Some of the comments suggesting to discuss the issue and come to an understanding mean well, but how she handles the situation from then on out will be important to pay attention to. You deserve to have a healthy relationship with a partner who isn’t annoyed by your disorder.
I think you need to have an honest talk with her to find out if this is something she can live with.
My former partner had ADHD, unmedicated and untreated. I thought I could deal with it and for many years I did. But eventually I had to admit to myself it was too much and I got out.
You, unlike my ex, seem to be trying though, and that is a lovely thing. But there are limits to what all the memory tricks and notes can do and you both need to have a frank discussion if the limits of your efforts reach her expectations.
I’m glad that you’re trying to make it better. My ex was the same way and I had to leave him. I couldn’t take it anymore. He wasn’t willing to work on it. In 4 years, do you know how many times he asked me what my favorite color was or what my favorite flower was? But he never forgot stuff he really wanted to do. You’re amazing for caring about her and wanting to assure her that you care.
Feels like my dad. But unlike you, he doesn’t care. Wishing you the best