Okay so I have really bad social anxiety and can never and have never been able to bring myself first to talk to someone. I never had many friends because of that, in fact I’ve just had the same friends since elementary/middle school (almost all of them have left but that’s not important). I’ve tried over the years to build up confidence to go up and talk to someone first, but I’ve only been able to do it a couple times, all failures. So I’ve become very afraid of rejection because of it and can’t even bare the thought of trying. I know I have to get myself out there to make friends and I know I can’t expect someone to just walk up to me and try to be my friend. But I feel like I have a friendly enough look to myself to at least have someone approach me to be friends once, I mean if I have to put myself out there to find friends then why doesn’t it seem like anyone else is doing it. I mean I seriously can’t think of one time that wasn’t in elementary school where someone came up and tried to be my friend. Feels like the odds aren’t adding up and honestly makes me feel like I’m some kind of ghost.
6 comments
When you approach someone what do you usually talk about?
I have this same problem. Approaching others feels very threatening so you just kinda sit there and hope that someone will notice you and then noone does. I think the big thing about why people don’t approach us is the vibe we put out. Kinda like the more social people are open books and easily spoken to, while we are closed books, seemingly preferred to be left alone. I don’t have an actual answer for you since I struggle with this myself but I guess my point is we have to find out how to become open books.
What would make you want to approach someone? Try to be like that person, smile at others? Make eye contact?
BFF Bumble is a good way to make friends without having to approach someone.
First, I might suggest putting the focus on what is happening in the environment, not your anxiety and definitely not thoughts of how making conversation is easier for everyone else.
I am curious about what you called social “failures,” because everyone has had a conversation that was a “clunk” rather than a “click.” The difference between whether it’s paralyzing or amusing later is in how you interpret and value the exchange.
There are some simple ways to open a conversation that don’t require a huge investment. One is to compliment someone or make a complimentary remark. Examples: “That looks like a great coat. Is it warm?” “I have thought about wearing (Brand X) shoes. Do they work for you?”
Sometimes asking a question about the present situation can open up a conversation, such as, “Do you know when this program ends?” “Have you heard whether it’s supposed to rain today?” “Have you attended one of these things before?” Choose a question that you have some interest in, even if it’s not critical. At worst, they may say, “I’m not sure” or not answer you. Try someone else.
You can make conversation by making a connection to what a going on. “Wow. This reminds me of PE class. I didn’t expect us to be put in teams.” If you find out where someone went to school, where they live, or who they know, you can make connections. Just make sure they aren’t too forced or intense.
If you are an introvert, you are probably good at noticing things. Use your observation skills to find a small way in to get things going. Above all, don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t engage. The difference between the number of sales a good salesman makes and an average salesman makes lies in the number of times they make a pitch.
You are as good as anyone else.❤️
23M here, From my perspective (and from many guys in general), there’s very little reason for guys to do a cold approach such as what you’re talking about here. There’s so much risk involved, plus the fact that guys are super sensitive to rejection. If you wanna seem more approachable to guys, you’ll need to show you’re open to it. The way to do this is fairly simple, just make small talk in class/ask questions about the subject matter. If one of those guys are interested in you, he’ll definitely try to go up to you after class to talk more, and you both can take it from there if you like him back. That’s how it happens in the real world. No one walks up to anyone else with absolutely no foundation for conversation.
When I read your story it feels like a biography of myself to me I am just like you but that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends I do not have many close ones though and basically I haven’t approached anyone specifically but they became my friends just like that but those who I approached never became my friends and I will say that that’s the case mostly with people you don’t need to approach to make friends they just become your friends from your class or some while playing some sports or doing some other activities and if you try to become friends with a certain someone you have to very self confident or it will not work out and we all know that no one can become self confident just like that it has its own process some are confident from childhood because of the family environment they live in (it’s the case for childs living in large families) or you need to work very very hard. So I just want to suggest to you that start from being friendly with people that you spend most of your time with, like your classmates, your office acquaintance etc. Just don’t try to be alone and engage with them.