My depression is ruining my marriage (TW Su-cidal ideation)

I’ve been living with persistent major depression since I was 2 years old. I have a severe trauma history and i’ve been doing therapy for almost 10 years. I (CisF 27) met my wife (mtF 28) in college before she came out. She came out a year ago and we’ve been married for 3 months. We’ve been together for 7 years.

My antidepressants which i’ve been on for 3 years stopped working right around this March. I chocked it up to grad school stress, got prescribed some other stuff for muscle pain etc and just powered through it. I was still every now and again able to feel happiness and stuff but it has been getting more and more difficult over the last 2 months. I am severely depressed. My wife has also been having severe insomnia the last 6 wks. We’ve been fighting A LOT over the last 6-8weeks.

I have been trying to be responsible for my health for the last 10 years. And for the last 3 years I was actually doing mostly really well. And so was our relationship. I asked my doctor for a medication change since I was noticing break-thru depression even in the summer months and she took me off my antidepressant completely (She actually tapered me wrong over 3 days and I had to figure out myself how to taper myself down) and then she failed to properly titrate me up on the new one even though I asked about it TWICE. She wouldn’t titrate up until “our next appointment in 3 weeks”. and so i spent the past three weeks in an even more severe depressive episode than I’ve had in years (I also have pmdd and just started my period after 5 years on the IUD i’m scheduled in OCT for another one). I knew it wasn’t good but I felt like i had exhausted all my coping skills that I could do in the moment. I had already been trying to hang out more with friends, trying to keep myself out of bed, asking my doctors for help, keeping busy etc etc etc.

The more we fought the more unsafe and triggered I felt. and I got engulfed and trapped in all of my anger, frustration, exhaustion and the sheer unrelenting hopelessness.

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I planned a s—cide last Thursday, started emptying my car, writing letters etc and my wife asked me on a walk. In hysterics on the floor in the middle of the street I asked to be hospitalized. I had a friend come over to help b/c I wasn’t sure I would go to the hospital b/c a part of me DID NOT want to keep going. I spent about a day there and they discharged me on Friday.

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My wife and I talked about, a lot when I got out of the hospital. She’s very upset that I emotionally abandoned her and tried to leave our marriage through suicide. I don’t think she trusts me anymore and I don’t think she believes that I want to stay b/c I don’t even know if i want to stay sometimes. She read the last page of my journal (b/c she wanted to know if i had any plans to kill myself that she doesn’t know about) and she knows that i’ve been struggling a LOT with her transition and feeling attraction and pleasure in our relationship.

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I’m so angry. I’m angry with myself. i’m angry with my doctor. i’m angry with my life. i’m angry that it takes me going into a crisis for things to change even though I work and work and work and work on myself it’s like all that work just gets thrown away in one day of misjudgement. I worry that i’m too toxic for her. I worry that i may never be able to maintain stable depression treatment and that this WILL keep happening every 6-12 months. i’m worried that I can’t repair this. That a part of me threw my life away in a moment of distress and dysphoria and now I the adult part have to fucking live with it. i’m sad. A lot. i’m sad that I CAN’T be a good partner for my spouse. i’m sad that I DON’T know what I want. I’m sad that I can’t FEEL anything but sad most of the time.

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We start couples counseling again on Oct 3rd. Until then i’m just waiting and trying. I’m waiting for treatment to work again. And I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to communicate better and get my thoughts more clear about who I am, what I want, and what I need. I’m reading a book on “how to be an adult in relationships”. i’m working on my shit like I have been for the last decade and I want to go to couples counseling. but until this unrelenting fog of hopelessness lifts I don’t know what to do.