Husband always angry

25 comments

1. >TLDR: my husband and I were in a car accident I was injured he wasn’t. He’s developed serious anger problems and I don’t know what to do.

   You get your husband into individual therapy. If he is already in therapy, that clearly isn’t working and he might want to switch therapists.

   And maybe some relationship therapy so you can tell him, with the help of the therapist, what his behaviour is doing to you and finding ways to cope with his feelings together.

2. I would appeal to him in a more medical sense. If he is different than it was before in any significant manner and had a head injury, he could have one of many physiological conditions that can change personality and mental status. Some of them can be very serious. If he’s been checked and cleared, I would have a second opinion just in case. Maybe try speaking to family to see if they could have a convincing effect.

   Therapy is important, especially after a traumatic accident. Maybe this could be a way to parley into therapy, usually doctors after clearing any physical issues will suggest therapy to their patient, so maybe its an avenue to explore.

   I wouldn’t get into the weed to mo far in like Web MD or anything, but definitely look up personality changes after head injury and you’ll see, that even a slight bump to the head for some people could cause issues like this. Best to know the signs and look out for any more that you see.

   If all that goes down and nothing still seems to change, then contemplation of alternatives at least becomes more palatable.

   Hope everything works out!

3. This sounds like cPTSD. His feelings and emotions and thoughts cannot be worked through with you using reasoning and logic when you talk to him unfortunately. That’s not good fault or yours, but he’s still an adult who is responsible for healing himself.

   If he refuses to get help and actively work through this with a professional, you need to protect yourself and walk away. Perhaps that will be the push he needs, perhaps not, but you are not a trained therapist who can heal him.

4. “I was injured, he wasn’t”.

   You were both injured. Both of you had head injuries, which present differently in different people. Just because you were injured worse, doesn’t mean he’s okay. There’s a lot more actionable items you can do to recover physically like physical therapy, but head trauma is a lot more complicated. Some people get hit in the head and are never the same.

5. I would urge your husband to go to a doctor. He could have suffered from a traumatic brain injury. These can alter personality.

6. How long are you willing to put up with the anger?

7. He could have a head injury. My dad was never the same after his.

8. He clearly blames himself and has PTSD.

   Tell him he isnt the person you married and his outbursts scare you, you love him, but if there is not a significant change soon, you will have no choice but to leave him. Ask him to please get some counselling as a matter of urgency as you are at your breaking point with him. He will only get help if you force him too, whether that is threatening to leave or actually leaving.

   Just because your married, it doesn’t give him the right to treat you like this.

9. no matter what his reasons are he needs to understand he’s throwing away his relationship acting this way. there’s only so much you can do when the other person refuses to do anything about his issues

10. To help you move on, you will probably need to look at this. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/concussion/symptoms-causes/syc-20355594
    One of the symptoms it describes a symptom of concussion: irritability or personality changes.
    If this symptom was caused by the concussion, he will not be able to change.

11. “I’ve asked him to talk to someone and get help but he refuses.”
    Time to walk away OP. It’s one thing if he has a traumatic brain injury from the concussion. It’s another thing entirely if he won’t get help. You don’t have to put up with this shit.

12. I think it’s very hard to see traumatic brain injury in normal imaging, MRI or CT scan~ that’s why boxers and football players donate their brains for science, after death studies seem to be more conclusive. you were seriously injured so that amount of force hit your husband in the head.

13. Write him a letter where you explain how feel and how its affecting you. How you appreciate what he has done for you while you were recovering and tell him it’s his time to take care of himself (get professional help) and how his anger may lead to you leaving.

    You are asking the question because you love him and want to make it work so write him so you can convey all the feelings without being interrupted maybe read it to him or ask him to read and leave the room if you think he wouldn’t be able to control his anger.

    Hope it works out. Best wishes…

14. He might have a traumatic brain injury.

    TBIs do not clear on their own. There are treatments that can help.
    He’ll need to go to a neurologist to get checked out to fully understand the extent of the damage.

    You need to take a hard-line stance. Tell him you are concerned that he has an undiagnosed condition that needs to be addressed, because you know he is not the angry man that he is putting out there now, and are worried what could happen should it go unchecked.
    Tell him you are afraid of his relentless anger and you feel like you’re being held prisoner by it. You want to be there for him and help him heal, but if he can’t start taking steps to help himself then you can’t continue to remain a victim.

15. He seemed to have a TBI. I want you to sit down and write down specifics of things he did or said, actions and thoughts of where you think he is different. He needs to go to his GP with that paper (HE doesn’t know he is different) and then visit a specialist. Here is the problem, this is likely now him, the new him. So you need to get your affairs together in preparation to leave. How do mean he is stuck on that day?

    Edit: i hope you physically are better.

16. I will hit you with some statistics as when i heard them years back I was quite surprised. I have only met one person with a TBI….I thought. But the truth is, if i don’t know the Before person, I would not know I am talking to the After. TBIs are common:

    Traumatic brain injury (TBI) is a leading cause of death and disability among children and young adults in the United States. Each year an estimated 1.5 million Americans sustain a TBI. As a consequence of these injuries:

    230,000 people are hospitalized and survive.

    50,000 people die.

    80,000 to 90,000 people experience the onset of long-term disability.

    As the cumulative result of past traumatic brain injuries, an estimated 5.3 million men, women, and children are living with a permanent TBI-related disability in the United States today.

    While the risk of having a TBI is substantial among all age groups, this risk is highest among adolescents, young adults, and persons older than 75 years. The risk of TBI among males is twice the risk among females. The major causes of TBI are:

    Motor vehicle crashes–the leading cause of TBI resulting in hospitalization.

17. It sounds like he IS angry with you for being injured and a being a temporary ‘burden’ or responsibility. A lot of men leave their wives when they get sick and its sounds like he wants to escape but hasn’t got the balls to say it or do it whilst you were still so badly injured If the “lot more” will affect your abilty to have kids that could be another nail in the coffin imo

    If he was driving /responsible he may feel even more resentment because if he leaves you he’s gonna look like a complete asshole. Of course he doesn’t want counselling , whats he gonna say?? My brand new wife who I badly injured feels like a burden and i want to run away but I’m too ashamed to say it.

    He may still be very much in love with you but just feel overwhelmed/trapped. Leaving him might be best for both of you. It might even save the relationship if you let him go , you can both chose each other again without guilt/obligation involved if you still want to .

18. I’ve known two different people who Traumatic Brain Injury who basically regressed into tantrum-throwing toddlers for a while. Sounds like that’s what might be happening to your husband.

19. You don’t stay. You are putting yourself in an abusive situation if you do. He hasn’t hit you…..yet. I have never been with anyone who was constantly angry and threw things that didn’t escalate into hitting me. (I had really bad relationships in my 20s).

    If he won’t go to the doctor, you leave. He hasn’t been rechecked for traumatic brain injury and he should. These end up showing up months after the accident and start with a concussion and end with a marked personality shift.

    Leave. At least until he can treat you right. If he can’t? Just don’t go back. Some people live in their trauma. He might be doing that too. But refusing to get help? There’s no way you can fix him. I’m sorry.

20. MENTION A PERSONALITY CHANGE TO HIS DOCTOR. The story of phineas gage is in like every psychology class, part of his frontal lobe was destroyed and he turned from a polite, aggreable man into a vulgar, angry and impulsive person. Your husband could have suffered from brain trauma, especially if he has a concussion.

21. My two guesses are head injury or he has guilt and blames himself for your injuries.

    Start with a head doctor and if he’s physically fine he needs to see a therapist and psychiatrist about this.

    Talk with him. You had to go to doctors and be uncomfortable to get better. Sounds like he needs the same.

22. This is rough. My daughter was in a serious car accident at 16 and almost died. She was in a coma for a while with several broken vertebrae, lacerations liver and kidney, broken collarbone, and a serious head injury.

    After she woke from the coma, her short term memory was GONE – it was frightening. She also couldn’t tell time or do basic math. Her once VERY easy- going nature was replaced with thus snarky, angry, MEAN person. It was a lot to deal with – for her or course, but for me as well.

    Head injuries, especially when it affects the frontal lobe, can definitely cause personality changes, including anger issues. We saw a neurologist, as well as an occupational therapist, and a mental health therapist

    The occupational therapist helped my daughter learn how to deal with the shirt temper, taught her ways to combat the intense frustration she felt and to work through it when completing tasks. The mental health therapist dealt with the trauma from the accident.

    Her neurologist told me it could be a couple years before those symptoms dissipated completely, but most likely, they would eventually disappear.

    He was right – it was definitely a process but, by 3 years post-accident, she was pretty much back to her previous “normal” in terms of personality.

    Concussions are brain injuries. Even though you obviously had some serious issues that requires way more intervention, your husband suffered a brain injury. Everyone reacts differently. He probably doesn’t understand why he is so angry and frustrated – it can truly be a result of a head injury- period.

    I would suggest making an appointment with a neurologist and a therapist/counselor. Your husband needs to learn some strategies for dealing with the aftermath of the concussion.

    In terms of your relationship- that is entirely up to you. I do believe in “for better or worse” and “in sickness and in heath” til death, but I also understand that for many people, their life is so negatively affected by a spouses behavior that the only option they have is to leave.

    You are the only one who can determine if you are at that point or not. All I would suggest is, in order to be 100% sure of your decision and to truly leave the marriage with peace in your heart, you will want to be confident that you explored every avenue towards healing. If you haven’t tried therapy yet, give it a couple sessions. If he hasn’t seen a neurologist yet, have him make an appointment.

    Trust me, it is SO much easier and less traumatic leaving a marriage when you know you gave 100% and tried to repair the issues

23. Yes, sure he can have a # of issues that are causing his anger. He could have had some TBI from the accident. Or, he can just be an abusive asshole.

    However, he has been dangerous now for 2 years and he refuses to get help. If he doesnt want to get help you cant force him. What you can do is get yourself out of this situation.

    Leave the home. Maybe he will agree to seek help if you leave?

24. He needs therapy and possibly a neurologist.

25. Bro this sounds like what happened to one of my buddies in high school. We played football before the anti targeting rules were in place so you could really fuck people up. Well he got a concussion junior year really really bad. And ever since that it was super super easy to make him mad like the smallest things would set him off.

    Get your husband checked out for brain damage from the accident