We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 3.
Our daughter \[3F\] will scream and scream to continue their walk but my wife \[35F\] ignores her and will keep chatting and laughing with the guy \[28M\]. He’s been renting a basement across from us for a couple months now, single and jobless, he hangs out on the porch. While I’m \[36M\] at work, wife will see he’s there and go out to talk to him, or invite him over to talk and hang out. Once I came home to an empty house and found my family hanging out on his porch: I walked up, conversation stops, a little small chit-chat, and my wife says ‘oh we should get going,’ she was there for 2 hours.
The pandemic and lockdowns have been hard. She doesn’t laugh or joke with me anymore, and when I try to lighten the mood, she is very serious and tells me I’m not funny.
I have not been in this situation before. I’m feeling over-reactive, like my wife is ready to cheat or something. I brought up my insecurities with my wife last night and we talked it out.
She says he is like a male version of her, like he is her mirror, similar upbringing and trauma, mental health issues, etc., and that she gets along really easily with him, that she’s scared of how east it is talking to this guy, and that she hopes that he moves away in January as that is his plan. I communicated that appreciated her being open and honest with me.
I think that last bit just clicked in my brain now. What happens if he doesn’t move away? Does she have no self-control? Now I’m more worried.
Might be time to line up some marriage counselling?
49 comments
If she has time to ignore her kid, she has time to start a job.
>The pandemic and lockdowns have been hard. She doesn’t laugh or joke with me anymore, and when I try to lighten the mood, she is very serious and tells me I’m not funny.
Neighbor aside, this says that there’s something deep going amiss in your relationship, and yes, you should go to marriage counseling to work on it (assuming its something that can be worked on). Either she’s fallen out of love with you or there’s something that drastically changed the nature of your relationship. Its kind of a cliche but its often said that many women who cheat do so based on emotional reasons…what is your emotional intimacy like? What are her most prominent complaints about you/the relationship? Not just recently, include the past few years if there’s anything
Being the naturally suspicious person that I am I would say definitely keep an eye on her.
It was just casual conversation between my girlfriend and a guy at her school. That evolved into them spending a lot of time together, and then her cheating.
Keep your wits about you đź‘Ť
Yes. Marriage counseling asap. It’s alarming to me that she’s spent that much time talking to him and exchanging life stories.
Omg I’m more concerned for your young daughter that being said marriage counseling is a must in this case cause it seems like she’s putting you off to engage with a younger male who btw is jobless something fishy is going on here and I think in my opinion the story is much bigger then you think
Definitely consider marriage counseling for her n you and talk it out with a professional
Note. And also why is she Childhood emotional neglect on your daughter
If marriage counseling doesn’t work and she proceeds to further this so called neighborhood friendship with this younger fellow then definitely apply for divorce and get full custody of your daughter you now have evidence of her neglecting your daughter
The alarm bell that is ringing on top of the giant neon red flag in your face is her saying that it’s scary how similar they are and that she hopes that he moves…my dude, she’s spending loads of time with this guy, and “scared”, means she’s falling for him.
And sorry to say this, if she’s doing this and being candid about it, she’s losing respect for you as her husband. Get some therapy together ASAP, the heart beat is starting to flatline.
You need to go over there and tell him no more interaction with your wife. Tell him firmly to stay away from your family and make it clear there is no other option. Have a different conversation with your wife and tell her that is over no exceptions. You need to be tough here, they’re both making a fool out of you.
She’s already on the slippery slope to cheating, if it hasn’t already happened.
Tell her no more, and you out a ring camera out front, another on the side, and say sorry but it is an inappropriate relationship. You give him more attention then me. So your choice here is cut it off or we get a divorce.
>she’s scared of how east it is talking to this guy, and that she hopes that he moves away in January as that is his plan
I probably don’t need to tell you this, but this part is a huge red flag.
Your wife is already attracted to this man and shifting the blame away from herself by verbalizing this and putting it on this stranger to move away in order to prevent it from escalating. You need to lay down (and enforce) some boundaries ASAP.
Gulp….dude, she is wanting to bang this dude!!! Wise up – writing on the wall. Chilly to you, nahhh….she does not want him to move away – this is to slow you down – to stop worrying – she is ready to rocknroll him bro – guard up!!!
>She says he is like a male version of her, like he is her mirror, similar upbringing and trauma, mental health issues, etc., and that she gets along really easily with him, that she’s scared of how east it is talking to this guy
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>she hopes that he moves away in January as that is his plan
This bit about him moving away is basically an admission she is already having an emotional affair and that she recognizes things are escalating in an inappropriate direction. If she had other reservations about his presence the entire framing would be about him being sketchy or something, not that they are getting along.
That sounds like it will turn into an affair real quick. She’s already venting to him about her past, and knows about his? Also she’s basically told you she’s tempted when she said she’s scared, and hopes he moves away. She needs to cut it off asap, she knows what she’s doing.
You might want to give her a lil wake up call with the mention of D if she don’t get her act together, before you come home and get a rude awakening…
Sometimes you have to put some harsh shock value in because apparently she thinks it’s all sh*ts and giggles with her new infatutaion…
Nip it in the bud bro and forget about MC, that ain’t gonna help in this situation…
She’s about to cheat (if she hasn’t already).
Need to have a Talk to the wife
>that she’s scared of how east it is talking to this guy, and that she hopes that he moves away in January as that is his plan.
Did she actually say that? Holy shit what kind of nonsense.
“Well hopefully he goes away on his own, otherwise it could be an issue.”
No, have some fucking boundaries and control if you actually care about your relationship and family.
If I couldnt trust my partner to Identify something that could cause a problem with the relationship, and atleast make ANY attempt to mitigate it, idk how to get past that. Sorry man.
Even if he does move away, what does that mean for you? Does she go back to being solemn and not laughing at your jokes? She’s not going to magically be back in love with you. This requires further conversations with her and maybe therapy.
This subreddit is destroying my ability to trust women
Assume Dominance bang the guys mom.
If your going down anyway its better to go as a legend
your wife is damn lucky and should appreciate what she has
Like everybody has already said: she’s not owning the fact that this relationship could be inappropriate. It is already inappropriate. Also if she doesn’t put a stop to this, who is to say it won’t happen again? She is hoping he moves so that she doesn’t want to deal with herself! That is the problem here and she will repeat this. People who either are on their way to cheating or already emotionally cheating are trying to fill an unmet need, a desire to be alive, or capture parts of them they lost. Definitely do not only individual therapy for both but then marriage counseling. Talk with your wife about why talking to him is so important and why not having these same convos can’t be fulfilled by you. Ask what can you do to make her feel heard. Tell her how this makes you feel specifically: being replaced, devalued, unloved, etc. Therapy can help get to the heart of things. Now she can turn into a completely selfish person and cheat no matter what you do but that’s not on you. That’s on her. All you can do is try to help her see how it’s not appropriate and how it affects you. She can’t do that then she no good.
You do know why she used the word “scared” right? Do you think this will be the only guy? This is just the start. Idle hands are the devil’s playground.
Hate to say it , but might not be a bad idea to install some of those small surveillance cameras around the house and yard and not tell the wife. Its said when the trust is gone.
Talk to her. Explain what you are seeing and gauge her reaction. Explain to her what she is doing and how it makes you feel.
Everyone else already gave you great answers. Good on her to be honest to some point…. But feels like she is also withholding. Trickle truth – Google it.
You need to set firm boundaries, no more seeing him and communicating because it crosses your boundary. If she doesn’t follow your boundaries, take action. Get a lawyer, file for custody, divorce etc.
BTW buy a ring doorbell, get the extended recording plan and start documenting everything. Everything. You go into fucking detective mode.
You got this bro
You need to be firm and tell her she needs to stop. She knows the risk and ask her if he’s worth it.
Does she like the idea of losing her family for a young loser living in a basement with no job? Because those butterflies won’t last when she realizes she’s seeing him at his best and his best ain’t too great.
Ask her if she likes the idea of having her baby 50% of the time and finding her a place to sleep in a damn basement. Is she ready to parent two by taking him on as well?
Pose every one of those questions and scenarios to her calmly and coldly. She needs a slap of reality.
Updateme!
Time to get that security camera out front going. I know crime is going up and all.
YIKES
Yes, marriage counseling is necessary. What is also necessary is you putting your foot down and telling her she’s not to talk to him anymore. If she respects you and your marriage, she will do that and cut it out. The fact that she hasn’t already is worrisome.
If she hasn’t yet, it won’t be long. Get yourself ready for divorce.🚩🚩🚩🚩
She’s into him, she’s entertaining the risk.
She needs to be taking steps to separate herself from it, or she’s putting the marriage at risk. Honestly, I wouldn’t tolerate it being married to her. Knock it off, or I’m gone.
I’m going to start and end with the same advice, do NOT do marriage counseling while she is in the affair fog.
She is currently having an emotional affair.
Cheaters do something called trickle truth. They give a little bit of info that true, and then lie about the rest. I bet that what’s your wife is doing to you now.
She has already disconnected herself emotionally from you. This is a tactic used by cheaters to justify their shitty actions.
I’d place a hefty wager that she badmouths you regularly to him, laughing together about how inept you are.
She is currently in the affair fog. You need to wake her ass up, because until she is out of the affair fog, marriage counseling won’t do shit.
she gone fam
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
How are all these dog shit women trapping all these good men?
Sounds like she’s having an emotional affair. The displacement of blame onto him is alarming, as well as her acknowledgement of her own complete lack of agency.
Saying she “hopes he moves away” implies she cannot control herself. She’s basically preparing her “I warned you” argument. It’s like when guys cheat and they claim they were “seduced” by the other woman. As if they had no responsibility or control of their own actions.
It’s also a subtle way to get you to redirect your mental focus onto him instead of her own behavior. Like now you’re supposed to be worrying about this guy and what he’s up to, what his plans are, when he’s moving, etc. So when the affair goes down it’s not “she cheated” it’s “he manipulated their friendship”.
What’s especially concerning is her ignoring your screaming child for hours just to talk to this guy. That is completely inappropriate.
If she’s starving for friendship she can get a hobby or join some local groups or find a therapist or go out with some girlfriends or literally anything other than hang out at the nextdoor single guys house.
I would make it clear it’s not okay. You aren’t okay with this. She’s crossing boundaries into inappropriate emotional affair territory. Make it clear you recognize her as a grown woman with her own agency and this is a choice she is continually deciding to make. Tell her whether he moves or not is irrelevant. If she feels that something is missing from her life she needs to explore that within the confines of the monogamous boundaries you’ve agreed to.
Ask her how she would feel if she found out you’ve been skipping work to go hang out with a single woman for hours and hours and having deep, emotionally intimate conversations with another woman she doesn’t know?
The key here is this was not an established friendship prior to the relationship. I do believe people in relationships can have opposite sex friends, but there should be an established platonic relationship and those friends should also be respectful of the relationship.
> she hopes that he moves away in January
If that’s how she feels then there is no reason to wait. She should just stop seeing him. And she knows that’s the choice she should make.
She needs to do something to put distance between her and him soon. There are still 3 months until January and a lot can happen when they are home all day everyday. If she doesn’t do something you’ll spend the rest of your marriage wondering if she ever had a weak moment and something happened during those months. She needs to separate herself from the growing temptation.
She needs to send him a text or tell him in person with you there that their friendship has to end.
And you need to make it clear that you’ll consider her hanging out with him again cheating. And over the next few months your’ll need to come home from work unexpectedly early a few times.
You can either be a hell of a lot firmer by telling her this is emotional cheating and you might as well divorce if she keeps it up OR you can sit there quiet, knowing she is actively developing an u healthy connection with a dude who hangs out on his porch all day.
BS meter just went off, she is into him and he maybe into her. Please people quit blaming the pandemic for everything, we are so weak a deadly virus just broke us, I’d hate for a Ukraine situation to happen
I agree with most comments, she’s most likely either crushing on or infatuated with him
But just in case you’re not alarmed enough about this situation, there are also people who are very good at mirroring other people for nefarious purposes. They are also very good at identifying victims and usually defrauding them.
So,, he charms your bored, anxious wife and gets her to trust him. She pours her heart out, he just so happens to have the same exact background and trauma, they bond because who doesn’t love a mirror version of thenselves, he has a “financial emergency,” he pushes all the right buttons, she trusts him more than you by this point, and your life savings is gone.. .
I would be very worried here.
>I walked up, conversation stops, a little small chit-chat, and my wife says ‘oh we should get going,’ she was there for 2 hours.
Please stop fooling yourself, my friend. This is getting out of hand. If she’s keeping secrets and conspiring with another man, you must question how she truly feel about you.
There can never be a justification for putting someone else ahead of you. Partners don’t do that to one another, especially if they’re in love. Partners only rely on and trust each other. If she trusts and keep secrets with someone else, then where do you stand?
Updateme!
Not only does she not have self control but she also lacks respect. At this point I would say its almost too deep as you have no clue as to what is truly happening in her mind / what might have happened in person. Talk it out, probably tell her to stop. If this is happening now though it’ll happen again. There is a deeper problem in this that you just can’t see yet.
Your wife is a loser who is attracted to a loser. But by the way things are going you are losing too.
She’s over your relationship. She’s attracted to him. Time to grow some balls and set some boundaries for the sake of your kids.
1. Tell her you don’t want her hanging out with him, talking to him, or finding excuses to cross his path. She has already crossed multiple lines sharing enough personal information with this man that she considers him some sort of male “mirror.” There is no reason a married woman should be bonding with the single, presumably heterosexual guy across the street while her husband is at work. None.
2. If she pushes back or starts making excuses as to why this won’t work, that’s all you need to know. Seriously. Go ahead and skip marriage counseling, because if seeing this man is more important than honoring her marriage and the father of her child… she’s made her decision.
3. Tell her you don’t want your child around this guy, either. First of all, it’s not safe. You don’t know him, and your wife is too swept up in *whatever* to realize she’s putting both her marriage and her child at risk by cozying up to him. Even if you can’t get your wife to stay away from him, put your foot down on this one: this man is practically a stranger and he should not have access to your very young daughter.
!updateme
Make sure she is on the Pill