How to deal with anger and emotional invalidation?

I just want to start this off with my husband is my best friend. We do everything together. We work together and enjoy hobbies together. When we want to be alone, we give each other space.

My husband has had anger problems before our marriage and before me. He’s grown a lot with us having conversations, but I would say he either is happy and hum dee dum or has a violent tempestuous rage that is destroying our marriage and his relationships with people.

He acknowledges that he has this blind temper and relishes in the pain he causes others in those moments. It’s so unlike the loving and caring side he has and it’s a lot. Oftentimes, I’m the one he’s attacking and before I would be really level-headed and would be able to say why are you doing this or it’s not fair that you’re calling me these names and slurs, but now I feel like I am becoming like him and I feel angry and all sorts of emotions that aren’t normal for me. I’m normally happy or sad, but lately I feel so angry. I am doing things that are out of character and I have admitted to my husband that I’m starting to feel deep resentment and feel like his mirror. The things that come out of my mouth does not feel good. The thing is, when we have these conversations, he doesn’t seem to truly see his actions anymore and is blaming me for everything. It sucks. I could be cleaning or minding my business and he would find something to nitpick about and it would really hurt me. He often calls me fucking stupid or a dumb fucking bitch. He calls me a cunt when I try to argue how I feel and push that we are on the same team so why are we fighting and why are you attacking me? He used to apologize and say all he can do is try to be better, but now won’t apologize and doubles down even if he didn’t make sense. When I tell him he hurts me, he says, I stand by everything I said – I really think you are -expletive of choice- Last night, I finally felt like talking to him because I don’t like feeling this way and I feel like most of our conversations are glossed over as well as the fights. I literally am at a breaking point. I have done therapy which helped a bit, but I feel like he needs to go to therapy and we both need to, but he doesn’t believe in therapy and as much as he says all the right things, he soon says everything that negates it. He will say you are allowed to feel what you feel, but when I share my feelings, he blows up at me. Last night, we had a great conversation and then minutes later, he negated everything. It doesn’t help that he drinks every night and that’s it’s own issue, but I also know in my heart of hearts, that’s how he feels. Sometimes he is so obsessed with who was right, everything else does not matter. I told him if he can’t stop insulting me and we both can’t correct these behaviors, there’s nothing left for us. He bombs me with I love you’s and I feel they are true, but loving someone is not enough. You need to hear your partner out, respect their right to their feelings or opinions even if they differ from yours, and not relish in their pain and suffering. I have two autoimmune disorders that are debilitating. I have been to doctors and am getting treatments to manage my diseases, but my husband is also resentful I can’t keep up with everything. I carry our business due to my specialized skill set and handle all the bookings and communications while my husband is the assistant. The work is physically demanding, but I love my clients and I love my job. With that said, we split the duties with the pets, I do the dishes, put away the laundry, and when things get piled up or messier than his standard, I get berated. He loads the washer and dryer and takes out the trash, splits the pet chores with me, but considers himself the one who puts in more work. I think I am doing great carrying the business and sharing the load at home, but I feel like no matter what I do, it’s not enough. I don’t know what to do anymore. I told him our highs are amazing, but our lows make me feel like I am dying. I am considering divorce. It’s not what either wants, but I fell asleep crying last night. I tried having a conversation, it went well then soured, and he kept trying to crack jokes or distract me with food or video games. He eventually said he doesn’t care to continue our conversation and played video games. I was gutted, but I left him alone.

Any other issue, we have addressed and worked through, but this is the biggest and I don’t think it’s going anywhere. I have seen him explode at me and his family members – I can see the joy in his eyes as he inflicts hurt. He has admitted this is an ugly side to him, but I am not convinced he can change. He has a terrible drinking problem, but even without drinks, he does this.

Have you been through this? How have you grown past this together? If not, how have you been able to move forward on your own?