My (22F) partner (25m) and I started dating pretty early. Mistakes were made and we both cheated on each other. We got back together after half a year’s (6 months) break.
It’s been a year since we’ve gotten back together and neither of us has cheated or even really argued. He’s been more loving, nicer, and we’ve been both matured. The break taught me that I do not want to lose him.
Personally, I’ve been having a great time. I remember his past girls and lies and I fear he’d cheat again, but I tell myself that if I can really be interested in moving on, so can he. And that if I want him to move on from mine, I have to do the same.
It’s hard. But it’s a no brainer. I know what I signed up for.
I don’t think he does. He brings it up quite often and gets extremely defensive when I do the same- even though its not in reply to him doing so. I listen, apologize, and try to be the bigger person by not bringing his up. I almost never speak of it.
I can’t.
It hurts and there’s no point.
Recently, we had an argument because he wanted to write a story and the plot was basically what I did to him. We’re both writers but we have millions of plots. Why this?
I sat him down and told him how I felt. He was quiet after, so I asked him if he still loved me as much as he did before I started talking, to lighten the mood. And he said “insignificantly less”.
I was really ready to move and get married to this guy. We speak a lot about it. But I think this isn’t just working out. I am tired of the guilt when I was wronged just as bad- as arguably worse, if we want to get into specifics.
I slept with someone else but he did the same and managed to damage our finances in the same sweep. We’re still struggling.
Do men ever forget being cheated on even if they did the same (and first?)
14 comments
No one’s going to “forget” something that serious. They might be able to forgive it but it doesn’t sound like he’s able to do that.
Short version, no. It doesn’t matter if the partner is male or female. Once you cheat, you forever change that relationship dynamic.
While they can forgive you and try to work past it, they will never forget. It can take years if not decades to try and repair the trust that got shattered.
You two seemed to have found a balance. Your doing better than most. But as you experienced, it can take the slightest event to trigger the memory.
Regardless who cheated when or to what extent. This could cause negative emotions at any given time from the most innocent of stimulus.
This is why most relationships end. The stress and strain are just too much.
Never forget.
No. And why should they? It seems you would like him to forget/not talk about it to absolve you of your own guilt, rather than embrace that relationships are sometimes imperfect, you are imperfect so is he. Why are you trying to prevent him from using his craft to process what may still be painful for him? While it makes you “feel” bad – would you rather him keep those feelings bottled up or would you rather him use an outlet to process them so at least you know what he’s thinking do you can talk through it?
Sounds like this is broken beyond repair. That happens sometimes. Take the loss and move on with your life without him. If he can’t forgive enough to get past it, you’ll never have a happy relationship, you’ll just have this mess that goes steadily downhill until you’re both too resentful to do anything but hate each other. Let him dwell in the past and get on with your life .
No….my ex cheated on me over 40 years ago…she was instantly dead to me and I could never be friends with her.
No when your woman gets physical with another dude while in a relationship with you then it’s locked in tight forever…. Man half the time they can’t get over people before them
Even a piece of cheating garbage like him is probably regretting his decision.
It’s less a “men” thing and more of an individual response to what occurred.
Think of your relationship like a decorative ceramic teapot that was knocked off a table.
You can glue the parts back together, and it may function like a teapot again. But it will never be the same as it was before.
The cracks that were made and the glue that holds them together will always be visible to some extent. It’s possible it may not be as strong as it was before. It’s also possible that it is stronger in those areas, even though the cracks are still visible. It all depends on how invested you both are in repairing the damage as robustly as you can, and the significance of the damage.
In some cases, the teapot is shattered into so many pieces that repairing it is virtually impossible and makes little sense.
Cheating is such a fundamental violation of the relationship covenant that it can shatter the relationship into an uncountable number of shards. Even if you attempt to fix it, and it looks OK from a distance, it will leak like crazy as soon as you put water in it. In those cases, it’s best to sweep the pieces into the trash and move on.
If I am being honest, considering both of your ages and the fact that both of you violated the covenants of your relationship pretty significantly, I’d say your best bet would be to move on separately and grow as individuals a bit more.
No op, think of it like cutting the skin. It heals with time, but you will have a scar. The scar he and you both hold, just cannot be seen.
Would you ever forget if someone cheated on you? Of course, not. Why would he?
It’s not a “men” thing, it’s a human thing.
Personally, no, never forget.
He’ll never forget and neither will you. He has to forgive. He hasn’t done that. A relationship can’t move forward without it. If he can’t you might want to try counseling. If that isn’t an option you might want to reevaluate the relationship.
Men and women deal with cheating differently. And we do not forget. Ever.
No never.