Insecure about boyfriend’s anime hobby

8 comments

1. Misogyny is rampant across all media types. You singling out anime is because of your own perceptions of anime. You’re making broad sweeping statements about a type of media you don’t consume or understand. Would you be just as upset if he loved Bond films? Or watched Game of Thrones? Both are equally horrific toward women as anime.

   This is a you problem and if you don’t get your insecurities in check you’ll turn into a controlling girlfriend.

2. Honestly, I recommend counselling. Yes, anime has a bad history of portraying women. As a regular anime viewer from childhood to my thirties the pervy antics of anime has just been something I’ve always cringed at until those moments were over. Yes your boyfriend may have said that anime girls are almost as attractive as you are, but he said that 2 years ago and that’s exactly the kind of ridiculously cringe thing I’d expect a 17 year old to say. Putting on a happy face and pretending his hobby doesn’t bother you and conflict with your deepest held principles is not a healthy coping strategy, it will implode in your face eventually. I recommend you speak with a therapist our counsellor to find ways to cope with how the anime girls make you feel about your own self worth otherwise I’m not kidding when I say this may be a fatal incompatibility for your relationship going forward.

3. >He also used to watch hentai and followed hentai accounts on instagram which he has unfollowed a while ago.

   You recognize that as a big step in the right direction, correct?

   >I have gotten professional help on my issues in the past, but it’s not an option right now in my life

   Then, you might give self-help a try, eg.

   **anxiety prevention tip:**

   I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.

   There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.

   At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.

   A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.

   ​

   do you experience intrusive ‘dark thoughts’ recurring many times each week?

   ​

   >I guess the difference for me is how unrealistic anime girls are, which makes me compare myself to an impossible standard.

   Comparing yourself to an animated Fantasy, is setting yourself up for failure imo.

4. The real TLDR here is that you are insecure (which is not an insult despite how people typically want to use it as one) and are turning all of this anime stuff (and the subsequent “male gaze” ramblings) into something external to fixate on over it. It’s a defense against confronting what you’re actually insecure about in that it distracts you from ever taking on the real source of the problem, which is internal and has nothing to do with him.

   I think you understand this, at least on some level, based on your comments.

   So your next question is to figure out what you’re trying to avoid confronting in yourself, and then go confront it. While you’re doing that, stop talking or worrying about anime and all of the gobbledygook political commentary that’s sidelining you from facing the actual internal issues that will solve the problem for you.

5. I expect this won’t be a popular comment, but you don’t have to be ok dating someone who enjoys media that is highly misogynistic.

   Yes misogyny is hard to escape blah blah blah, but you can choose not to watch them and you can choose to date men who don’t indulge almost exclusively in misogynistic media.

   As a woman you’ll never fully escape it in your life, but that doesn’t mean you have to go swimming in the deep end.

6. Personally, I wish we had some ideas of exactly what anime you watched and that your BF usually watches. Maybe you can at least give examples of what is making you stop specifically? Sure there are a bunch that over sexualized, but those are usually ecchi types I feel like and the rest have some fan service if anything. Not the main focus of the story really, so it could be that your focusing on the fan service so much that you don’t notice the story at all. To be honest, some that are ecchi or fan service types can actually have a good story to them. SO, he is right in what he said about not really watching it for anything sexual or such. If he wanted that, he could just watch hentai if so. Still, here is an example kind of. I remember reading one smut type manga that I had not been interested in at all, but decided to try out since I was bored. Turned out the manga was so addictive that I read it all. It also had a tons of sex scenes too, which I didn’t know when I started. Still, it was actually really sad near the end and had a good ending. Can you guess who wrote it? Male? Female? Turns out it was a female author who created that work. I’m not even into smut either, just so your aware. Still, the story was that interesting to make me want to know what happened.

   So again, anime come in all types and many famous anime movies are not sexualized at all. In fact, many anime in general aren’t like that. Pure romance types are a good example, but also the ones that are more driven on story. Really it all comes down to the anime your watching though. It honestly just makes me more curious what anime these are for you to feel it’s that huge of an issue as well. As you said though, maybe it’s an insecurity. Which I will say, is something you’ll have to over come. I don’t know if you ever seen professional cosplayers, but they really do an amazing job of looking like an anime character. So if your insecure now, looking at Japanese cosplayers or cosplayers in general might surprise you even more. Maybe it’s your mindset though? Since you did say your a feminist and I’ve also seen a few videos of females who were once feminist, explain the mindset a bit. Which also included why they left it completely. Not to say anything against you, just stating that maybe it’s deeply rooted into you to just hate this so much that it’s affecting your relationship now. Maybe watching a video about one of them leaving can help explain something for you, but I wouldn’t know for sure. If he picked you though, you shouldn’t worry about other girls. My friend also has a bit of an insecurity thing when I first chatted with them and now they have overcome it. Maybe hearing him tell you your beautiful will help or just getting confirmation in a way will help ease those thoughts? It took about 2 or so years, but doing that has help my friend change her mindset a bit. She still thinks there are many more girls who are prettier, but it doesn’t matter to her now. She thinks she as at least pretty enough to herself and accepts she is to others too.

   Also, one point I think you should know is that sometimes female authors are the ones who create that type of content. Some use male pen names to hide they are female, but later reveal they are females if they become popular enough. Plus them choosing to reveal themselves of course. Even some of the hardcore hentai are created by female creators. Of course not all are created by them, but that’s just something to think about.

   As for stopping hentai, it is a good step if he is looking for change. Hentai for sure has a huge degrading of women with many of them. Still, it’s a fantasy thing that some like and that’s why it exist. That’s why some female creators created it in the first place, because they like it and no one was really creating it. Like Yaoi for example, which is boy love. They fantasize about guys doing all the same things you’d see in the normal hardcore stuff even. It’s just that it’s two are males doing it. I remember hearing of one female creator creating a specific hardcore type (with a female and a guy, so a normal hardcore type) since it wasn’t really created. Plus, some women like to be dominated and that’s also something many feminist don’t acknowledge. In reality, they are actually disgusted at what another female is actually fantasizing about. Some want that to really happen, while some only fantasize about it and that’s something to take away from this. It’s just fantasy. Fifty Shades of Grey was a huge eye opener to many, that many woman are actually into that type of stuff and actually have a kink. It’s not an anime, but as an example it was watched by primarily woman and the author was also a woman herself. So maybe changing your mindset into people have kinks, is a better thinking than it’s the objectification of women when it’s possible a woman created the story.

   You say it’s gross and unrealistic, but you have to realize that the real world is different. While some things are not normal for you, somewhere in the world it’s actually reality for certain people. Maybe unrealistic where you are or from what you know, but not truly unrealistic to some people. It should also be noted that anime is created in Japan. A country where many women are usually more shy, even if people don’t really notice it. They want the guy to make the first move and that probably has something to do with the creation of some fantasies as well. I think many can agree that many Asian women are more passive or shy for example in certain ways. Are all of them like that? No, but many are from what I have understand. They have a completely different mindset than those in the US or such for example. So even if it seems unreal or fake to you, that might not be true to them. Maybe doing some research can help you understand the difference a bit? I remember I seen a video once interviewing Japanese woman. There are actually a few asking different questions to those just walking by. Some said they didn’t mind a wall slam if it was a guy they like, while some wished that some hot guy did it to them. I don’t know any other country where someone would want that to happen to be honest though. It sounds like a cheesy thing to do and creepy to many I’m sure in reality. However, that’s not true for some there. They also like Disney more than others, with many girls still visiting Disney land when they are older or collecting Disney related merchandise. They have an obsession with Disney to be honest. So maybe understanding the culture can help you understand some of the things you consider unrealistic. Like many people online don’t seem to understand that they are actually really short girls or that some still look really young at older ages too. Some can be 40 years old and still look young. Plus many like to be petite, so their concept of fat is completely different than ours.

   To add, hentai and anime are just fantasy and not real. Just because someone imagines it or watches it, doesn’t always mean they want to do it. I’ve chatted with a couple of girls who turned out to be pretty perverted, actually really enjoying ecchi anime for example. I remember one I chatted with shortly and they like the anime To Love Ru, which is harem ecchi type. Obviously not real, but they loved the anime. One friend I chat with usually likes to add sexual mods to her games. Seems it’s more common than you might think, for some girls to add mods like that. I even heard that many that play The Sim games do that as well and there are many girls admitting to doing the same online. Again though, everyone is different and just because they do or watch it doesn’t mean anything past that. Especially in the real world. It doesn’t mean she wants something to happen while she is out doing normal things, just because she enjoys it in her off time for example. Plus girls in anime are made to be almost perfect looking, taking the perfect parts of Japanese girls from what I heard in from an interview from a creator in the past. If you notice, some characters don’t really have noses sometimes in some anime or certain parts of the anime. That’s because they are fake and unnatural things are going to appear to make it seem more perfect. Plus they are made to look Japanese as well, since anime is from Japan. So him saying he likes anime characters just really meant he liked the look. In another sense, he may have not realized he likes Asian girls pretty much. Which everyone has some preferences, but that doesn’t mean they stick with them or don’t think anyone else is pretty. Another thing you missed from him saying he liked them nearly as much as you, is that he pretty much said he liked you more. He likes you more than a character that was made to look perfect. Think about that, you thought you were more perfect than a perfect character that was made to look perfect.

   Just like someone else said in another comment too, you shouldn’t take him saying he liked anime characters in the past to mean what he is thinking now. Plus people’s preferences can also change as well. Especially if they love a certain person. So I think you can safely say that he isn’t going to dump you or anything for a fake anime girl, that’s for sure. Especially if he is listening to your worries.

7. I like anime. A lot. Fan service featuring big, bouncy boobs and panty shots don’t bother me. The only parts that really bother me are the loli characters – fully sexual characters with the apparent iq and emotional development of preschoolers. The fact that Japan has a huge market for childlike sex dolls ties into my discomfort with this type of anime.

   Some favorites:

   Attack on Titan

   Hunter x Hunter

   That Time I Got Reincarnated As A Slime

   Dragonball

   And my all time favorite: Black Clover

8. If it impacts the way he views women in general, he’s probably not the guy for you.