I’ve (15m) been friends with the friend, N (14m) for over four years, when we met playing trumpet. She used to be this funny, energetic, sweet kid. People change, yes, but we’ve not made a long line of bad choices. N has. She’s pushed away people that have tried to help her as she self-harmed, spread harmful rumors (unprovoked), reportedly shoplifted, and committed other misdemeanors. She’s sent nudes to both her classmates (including someone who told made clear he didn’t really like it) and a number of people over 18. She’s also purposefully sent inappropriately insinuating (sexual, such as whipped cream and not wearing much) snaps to people who have told her that they feel uncomfortable, myself included. Her friend confirmed she knew that it was risqué and inappropriately toned yet still sent the photos to me, some after I’d asked her not to send that type of pics. N has also started vaping, and even worse, pressuring other people to vape. She’s started dressing differently, which on its own would be cool (I mean, yay, screw patriarchal dress codes, but at the same time, she’s a minor), but combined with the nudes and some stuff she posted on socials (about posting pics with boobs out for male attention) before blocking me, I think it’s part of a larger concerning shift in a pattern of behavior.
For reasons outside my control, she went back to self harming, and blamed me. She’s blamed me for a lot of stuff other people say I had no control over, and has also tried to gaslight me about some of the pics even when her own friends that she confided in about it confirmed otherwise. That said, it would appear that she’s started hanging out with 3 people (all 14f) who are bad influences, who encourage her to commit the shoplifting and fare evasion, and hid those friendships with me. I can’t tell if this is actually their influence or N just running the same course she would have without them.
She’s tried and mainly failed to stop me finding out about the specifics and extent of this pattern of behavior, and randomly blocked me on snap- then denied that it’s a block. She’s also become cold to me at times in person, and has gone down this path in a way that makes it impossible to intervene in any fashion, even making it pretty much impossible to go to her parents without being harmed myself and harming her, and I don’t know what to do.
Another friend (15f) said that she’ll be set straight when she gets into major trouble, but that could damage her permanent record. Right now, I see no clear way to bail her out of it since she doesn’t seem to want to be bailed out.
I don’t have a clue in the world what to do or how to help, do you guys have any ideas on how to save the friendship (or if it’s even worth it) and on helping her avoid digging herself a deeper hole?
TL;DR: My friend is cutting people off and doing a lot of inappropriate things that’s likely to end up screwing up her life, and I don’t know how to save the friendship and help her turn her life around before she ends up with a major black mark on her permanent record.
2 comments
Saving the friendship is not your priority.
Reporting your concerns about her behaviour to her parents, is (imo).
Why do you think it’s your responsibility to single handedly change your friend’s perspective on all this? Because it’s really not.
Yes, I understand you’re friends and you care about her. But if you’ve already told her your concerns and pointed out how wrong (and illegal!) all this behaviour is, and she still carries on doing it, you’re just wasting your time.
Sometimes the only thing that will get people to change their ways is if they are caught out and there are very real consequences. Getting caught is going to happen sooner or later. It’s your choice as to whether you want to be collateral damage or not.