Throwaway for obvious reasons, not gonna give personal info, as he sometimes browses Reddit, and please excuse any grammatical errors.
I am scared to leave my partner of two years.
I don’t feel trapped, yet I don’t feel free either. I don’t feel unsafe, but I don’t think it’ll be totally okay to leave him. I love him. I love him so, so much, but thinking about leaving him scares me.
I’m not scared of the possibility, I’m scared of the consequences.
He wasn’t good to me in the first year or so (Manipulation, bad mental health for both of us.. etc). We have gotten better, and he treats me like his queen now, but I am so hesitant to leave.
About a year ago, he threatened to harm himself because of my bad habits with SH in the past, and when I threatened to break up with him over that, he broke. It was like he was a completely different person. He cried. He begged. He pleaded. It was scary, almost, and I had to stay at my sister’s for a while. During that while, I vented about it, and my sister ultimately convinced me to give it another shot, and I never told him I’d leave after that.
But I will never forget that. It scares me so bad to remember it, to remember the person he will be.
I’m scared of that person. I’m scared of what he could’ve done if I went through with it. I’m scared of him finding me. I’m scared of him threatening SH if I choose to leave. I’m scared and I probably shouldn’t be.
The thing is, this shouldn’t even be on my mind. I forgave him for this, but it still bothers me. Things have been perfect, there’s not a rising problem, and yet the past still looms over me.
How can I fix this?