We’ve all seen the generic “just be confident” or “put yourself out there” type of advice a million times by now, and it’s really just not that helpful after a certain point. What’s some advice you’ve heard or read that’s rarely discussed, and has actually helped you? It can be about anything; meeting people, dealing with anxiety, forming relationships, having a conversation, etc.
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When being social with people, listen to what they have to say, don’t just wait for an opportunity to respond. Take the time to imagine their words in your head and how they make you feel. Don’t just sit there with a phrase cued up in your mind ready to say when they stop talking.
People aren’t spending nearly as much time thinking about what you’re doing than you might think.
From a writer, long gone: At a party, find yourself the most comfortable seat, and let people come to you.
Edit: It worked for me for many years. My looks vary, but I’m no Sharon Stone. I would still use it but haven’t gotten back into the events circuit. Note, I certainly never said that it would work for a gym, restaurant, or bar. Especially for the first two and to some degree for the last one, people don’t go there to meet new people. It also won’t work for a party that is so loud, no one can talk to each other. And it’s true, it won’t work for a party where there’s one insular clique and a few unknown people they ignore. But those people have low social competence anyway. You need a different set of tools in your toolbox if you’re attending a party of unfriendly people with low social competence, if you’re really committed to getting the most you can out of it, though IMO why bother.
Just because you care too much for people doesn’t mean they will do the same for you. Im still a super nice person but ive learned my lessons
Yeah, the whole “just be confident” thing is like telling someone who’s learning how to swim for the very first time to “just swim.”
It’s not possible to “just” be something right on the spot. With anything it takes time, effort, and repetition.
Social skills are called a “skill” for a reason. And like all skills, some people are just naturally good at them than others. For those that aren’t, they have to work at it to get better at it.
You have to be a willing practitioner of wanting to develop that skill. Once you do that, then you’ll become “confident” in your ability to demonstrate it. 😉
“The optimal solution to the prisoner’s dilemma is tit-for-tat”
The way people react to you isn’t based on your actions in a vacuum. It’s based on your actions as they relate to their expectations of you.
This more than anything has helped me be able read social situations better than anyone around me.
If you have trouble making eye contact, stare at the space between the eyebrows. It appears that you are looking at them directly in the eye. I learned this trick as an interview hack and it helps me feel less anxious.
I always went into things hoping to find someone with good energy that I vibe with. I knew I could either be “on” socially—in the flow, connecting easily—or “off”—overthinking, anxious, awkward. It seemed like it was largely up to others and the environment that determine which I am.
Then I heard advice to bring your own vibes to a situation and forget the need that anyone has to do/be anything. The focus is turning yourself “on”and having fun yourself. If you go out to eat with friends, you can set the mood and have fun yourself, and that’ll naturally affect those around you.
To compliment a stranger and possibly start a conversation with them, make sure you compliment something they chose to do/they can control. For example, if they dyed their hair a certain nice colour, the colour of their nails, a part of their outfit, their glasses etc. Surface level compliments really get the ball rolling when you’re trying to get comfortable with someone you just met. Complimenting someone’s body parts or their figure however, that’s more of a relationship building level of complimenting that’s usually reserved for when you’ve really gotten to know someone, those shouldn’t be aimed at strangers.
practice eye contact to people you’re talking to
yeah its scary, but you get pretty used to it relatively quickly and once you do it lessens anxiety a lot
Something my mom told me is to give attention to the people that give attention to you. So even if someone you’re not super interested in is giving you attention and wanting to connect with you, connect with them because it’s not a good time trying to form relationships with people that aren’t excited about who you are.
Never speak because you have to say something, speak because you have something to say.
Things I’ve learned myself tbh
If you don’t thrive in a relationship or in a group of friends, in a workplace, in a school, etc (in some generic situation) then you’re in the wrong place. Move onto the a new group of friends or new place. One where you are welcomed more or treated with more respect. You will find a place where you do thrive or people who help you thrive more than the last people did
I’ve spent wayyy too much time around people who didn’t respect me and then I started feeling insecure because of it. I learned that being around people who do respect you help build up your self esteem and you grow as a person way more than being in a place you’re looked down upon
NEVER treat people the way you want to be treated. Treat them how THEY want to be treated, and seek to understand them first (kindness to one person may feel invasive to another person, for example)
Pause 2-3 seconds before speaking during a conversation. Especially with a partner or at work
Listening to others is important, but you also have to talk sometimes. Yes, I know that it’s usually said the other way around, but hear me out.
I hang out with a group of half-friends (save for one person who’s a really good friend of mine). They’re pretty nice people, but I never felt like they talk to me much, even though it’s the 3rd year I’ve hung out with them at this point, so it made me feel kinda down. I kept trying to work out why. Maybe I’m not good enough. Their interests are very different from mine. I’m always just going to be that one kid who’s obsessed with cars and gets average grades. So I try not to talk much in the group, since no one’s interested in what I’m interested in anyway, and I can’t relate to the stuff *they* talk about, either. In short, I listen 95% of the time.
Ok, so this doesn’t really count as advice since I just had a thought recently, but basically, I think the reason they don’t talk to me that much is simply because they don’t know me that well, because I rarely talk about myself when hanging out with them. Now, tbh, I hate talking about myself because it makes me insecure as I feel like I’m dominating the conversation, but now I think I’ve overdone that.
So well, obviously, listen to others, but still talk about yourself every now and then so other people can get to know you better (just don’t do it out of context). Though (imo) it would feel less awkward if someone else asks you about stuff first, it’s still worth a try if that doesn’t happen.
Once you develop more self confidence you will just stop caring what people think.
I think that’s important to remember for the people who are overly anxious wandering what people think of them.
I feel that I suck at social interactions. I’m always nervous and overthink before and after these interactions happen. I find it difficult to make and maintain relationships and it is partly because of my own arrogance. I always felt that I never fit in with my peers and the ones that I am friends with, I still feel that I am insignificant to them.
Although I like to think I’m a kind, considerate, and understanding person, I still catch myself having thoughts like “why can’t people be/think like me?” The advice I have gotten from a close relative of mine regarding these internal conflicts is: although we wish we could hold everyone up to the same standards (socially) as us, not everyone has the same blueprints. Not everyone is as self-aware, socially intelligent, or as considerate as you think you are. If I, and those who think similarly to me, continue to have this kind of mindset, it is no wonder why we will grow/develop a dislike or hatred towards interacting with others. This kind of advice reminded me of the fact that sometimes I just need to slow down and relax. Don’t overthink it. Give people a chance and have patience but of course, know your boundaries and know what it is that you want/need in a relationship.
Not sure if anyone else has these kind of internal conflicts. It might seem silly to others, but I thought that this advice helped me a lot in reflecting and reevaluating myself. I’m working on my pessimism/cynicism and I do want to be able to interact normally and healthily, forming new relationships and stronger bonds with people I like.
Never argue with fools , or online people (majority are time wasting fools)
Be interested in people.
Actually want to know what they think, why they think that way. Avoid the temptation to cut them off because you want to say your opinion. Your opinion doesn’t matter and unless they care what you think, you might as well talk to a tree.
Like people tell you to listen more. But you can’t actually listen to somebody unless you care what they have to say. And each person is an undiscovered country for you to explore.
Wait three seconds before answering or adding to the conversation because most times the other person will have more to say, this helped with my nervous rambling and butting in!
Most people are thinking more about themselves than about you
Take genuine interest in other people, let them talk about themselves and what makes them feel excited. People are pretty cool and interesting if you take the time to get to know them, you’ll learn a whole bunch, and make them feel special in the process.
Take all mixed signals as an inherent no. Works wonders for me.
Approach or you’ll stay alone.
I started approaching people and within half a year I’ve built a decently sized social circle, with about 20 people in it. I so far did these things with them:
* Lasertag
* Go Kajaking
* Climbing
* Hiking
* Just chilling (typically in the local swimming pool)
* Go on a Concert (someone had a spare ticket), it was great
* Got the most sincere hug I’ve gotten in years
The vast majority of these people come from a club I joined (Krav Maga), so the not so rare advice “Join a club” plays a major role in this. But it’s useless to join a club, if you just go there twice a week and rarely talk to anyone.
I went out of my way to initiate and it was uncomfortable as hell at first, but you’ll get used to it.
Oh boy, I have a few, and rather than little tips and tricks, I think going to the root is always the answer in causing real change, so here goes.
**No one cares about you.** You can take that in a pessimistic way and make yourself feel gloomy and glum, but I think the real treasure in this is that it’s actually true and that you’re absolutely FREE in life; you can create the life you want, be the person you want to be, allow yourself to have the personality you have and fully embrace it with a joy that’s self affirming, and there’s no one out there that would judge you enough to care or stop you doing what you want. Its beautiful.
**Human existence is chaotic by nature.** While this sounds like a problem on the surface, if you dig deeper and dwell on it, I think there’s so much beauty to it. There’s no rule book on how to be yourself, how to be social, the people who judge and reject you are just an inherent part of this chaotic existence. And I think really understanding *that* allows you to not feel like you’re the centre of the universe and not take negative things personally and thus allows you to live more openly and freely. The paradox to truly understanding and internalising this fundamental truth makes you feel *less chaotic inside,* more open, and accepting of life’s whims and people in general.