My boyfriend (m26) and I (f 28) broke up a couple of days ago. He said I was being emotionally abusive and that has stuck with. I feel like I don’t deserve to live and I haven’t felt like this since I was young. I won’t self harm or end my own life, but I am feeling horrible and keep bussing out crying.
This is our second and probably final breakup. The first time we broke up was because he would not take me out on dates and he would not text me for hours when he would play video games or DND with his friends. It made me feel like he pushed me aside and like I wasn’t important. Especially because he would often fall asleep on me. He told me was depressed and so he often feel asleep. I tried to be understanding, but then his come he could play for his with his friend until midnight? I got tired of it and we talked about why I was so upset. He said I shouldn’t have all these expectations (expecting him to call him and such). That if I wanted to do it, I should initiate things. I didn’t feel like I was wanted and so I didn’t much because sometimes he wouldn’t even respond to me for hours. We ended took a break.
About 8 months later we decide to try again. I was happier, but wary. Then 5 months in I am going through one of the toughest things. My dad left and my mom was constantly saying she didn’t want to live and kept drinking. I wanted to move out, but felt bad leaving because of my two younger sisters. We were still talking at the time as friends, so if course I talked to him about it one night when we met up for dinner. I was trying to hold on tears and he seemed sad and pensive. Then he started talking about how his childhood was. His parents neglected him emotionally. He broke down. We didn’t talk about me anymore just his past. This had happened before so I was used to it and I didn’t mind listening. I felt like I couldn’t share things with him though.
Then around July I get sad because I was expecting him to do something for a 6 month anniversary. Maybe I shouldn’t have expected anything since we didn’t talk about it. He doesn’t mention anything and neither do I wondering if he remembered. He didn’t and I didn’t bring it up. A few days later we have an argument and I ask him if he even remembers when we started going out. He said he doesn’t because he was going through a hard time when we did. He said I freaked him out honestly at tye time. I was taken aback because when we got back together he was being really touchy with me. He drove us to his house where we continued. He told me he was really happy that day. He said he didn’t know how to say no to me. I told him he could have and that he was the one who was being touchy. He said it was in a friendly manner. He kept touching and squeezing my knees and thighs. He also is the one who suggested we go to his house. He kept saying though that he felt like he couldn’t say no. I felt terrible and disgusted with myself. I apologized and he did too. Later on we picked a new anniversary date to celebrate because I brought it up another time.
Months go by and our original anniversary date passes. I was sad, but we had picked a new date so I didn’t dwell on it much. Then our picked anniversary comes around. He doesn’t mention it and neither do I. I get sad. I still text him, but my responses are short because I was upset and also stressed with work. About 10 days later we finally talk on the phone and I cry. I tell him he wasn’t really supportive and then I finally bring up the anniversary. I ask him if he remembers that around this time last year we had an argument and then that we agreed on an anniversary date. He then starts apologizing and has breakdown. We hang up so he can calm down. He texts me apologizing saying he’s had so much going on. I tell him I understand because I know he had depression and family things. I tell him I didn’t want to bring it up because I felt selfish. He says he still wants to celebrate with me. He says the whole week he will make it up to me. He brings me flowers and cookies once, but that’s enough for me. He had been checking up on me with my work stuff and I appreciated it. We are ok.
Months later my birthday comes around. He got me flowers, a gift, and a card Saturdaysince it’s my actual birthday. I was celebrating with family so we didn’t celebrate together. We decide to celebrate on Sunday at 10 with breakfast. He wanted up at 8 and texts me goodmorning. I do the same minutes later. Minutes go by. Then it’s 9. Then 10. I’m depressed. At 10:30 he texts me back. He apologized saying he fell asleep again. He says we can still do something if I want. I don’t respond because I’m sad. He texts a bit later and says I can drop by anytime before the concert (I was going with my sister since she got me ticket which is why we were celebrating early in the day). I’m just really really sad so I don’t respond. About an hour later I decide I’m just going to keep myself busy. I do eventually text him back saying I’m ok since he had asked, but then I text him until after the concert. Days later I am still sad, but I continue to text him. I don’t want to talk about it because I tend to keep things in and not talk to people about how I’m sad. He knows I’m sad though and keeps trying to talk about it. We try to a bit, but he got a panic attack. We decide to talk on another day. Everything just blows up. He said he wished I would just talk. That I shouldn’t punish him by not talking to him. He said I was emotionally abusive. I try to explain to him I just don’t like talking because I’m feeling hurt. He said it wasn’t ok to treat people like that. We breakup.
I felt terrible afterwards. I tried calling, but he blocked me. Yesterday, I tried texting and calling. I even thought to myself that I would apologize in person because that’s what I would want someone to do. I drove to his house. I left a voice-mail letting him know I was there to apologize using a different number. He blocked that number minutes later. I sat there for maybe 15 minutes waiting and trying to get the guts to go knock. I chickened it and drove off. Then I turned back around because I thought I need to try. I got it off my car before I could chicken out again and knocked. No one opened the door. I cried on my way home. I haven’t tried to contact him today. I’ve just crying since getting off work.
I feel still care about him deeply. I at least wanted to apologize in person or by phone for hurting him. I didn’t mean to. I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I thought he would at let me apologize because I have let him in the past. I’m just trying to cope now with how I feel about myself. I’m writing this only because I want to put it out there as a way to help myself. I’m going to therapy to try and fix myself because maybe I was being emotionally abusive.
What are some ways to cope with a breakup that ends badly?
First time posting, don’t know where to post.
5 comments
Give it time. Your situation is rife with some shit but you must persevere. If not for yourself, for the sake of your younger siblings. They no doubt will look to you as a role model.
Find the comfort of a good group of friends who will listen and offer support. You gotta ride this one out, but be sure it’s around good, well-meaning people.
Good luck.
It sounds like you both have a lot of personal issues that need to be worked out before you ever enter into another relationship again, whether that’s together or with other people.
He needs to work on his depression and explore the lingering trauma of his past, as well as his panic attacks and the tendency to make a situation about himself. The guy seems to have a severe lack of empathy until things turn sour and consequences have already begun to manifest.
You need to work on boundaries and expectations, as not everyone even considers the concept of celebrating a six-month anniversary. Hell, I don’t even do “anniversaries” for dating. Moreover, expecting people to reply to you within a certain number of hours is kind of silly. Give them 24-48 hours, especially if it’s a weekday. Don’t force your own personal expectations upon others and then pout when it doesn’t go how you wanted.
You’ve done what you felt you needed to do after this break up. He, too, is doing what he feels he needs to do; distancing himself from you. But he’s doing it wrong by giving you the silent treatment that he hates getting from you. Forgive my bluntness, but you both are too old to be playing these games. Stay broken up, and seek therapy for your insecurities and self-esteem issues then you’ll be able to have a healthier relationship in the future, but not with this clown.
The big thing is to realize that your emotions are a way to update your priorities. And the gist of what priorities are is a lot more limited than you’d think. They’re limited to just what you can give better chances of happening. A great chance is obviously better than a worse chance.
Good feelings add the chance of a preference
Bad ones lower the chances of the opposite preference.
But the point of organizing your chances is ultimately about what you’re going to prefer. What you’re going to avoid is just helpful for that in giving you better understanding of what you’re going to prefer. So what to avoid plays second fiddle. It may feel all important but it’s actually not. It’s really only checking to see how much it needs to bother you in order to drive you away from preferring whatever bothers you enough.
Now when you are with someone, everything you get from them is a little more special than getting something similar from someone else. And your brain has to update that you’re not going to be getting those things. I mean you round them all into a concept of “my boyfriend” but really it’s more about just ways you get better ways to meet your needs. And if you lose those ways, if you have a bad feeling, it’s going to use doses of “bother” to respond to the loss. It will bother you to lower the chances that you’re going to prefer the circumstances you are in for that moment.
But you can already lower the chances of that if you just simply prefer the opposite. You will always lower your chances if you simply prefer the opposite. I mean you won’t always get the opposite but you don’t always get what you want when you feel bad about things either. But what you will get is better chances of what you need.
Now I think that what you’ll find here, is that this person wasn’t even all that interested in meeting your needs or being that source of resources. But you still were able to try to make do with what you had. But you should look for what he did give you and find a better source for that.
I can’t see how you were being abusive if I’m honest. It seems more like two people who are expecting different things from a relationship, he seems to want patience and understanding and even forgiveness when he makes a mistake, but he doesn’t appear to offer you the same or offer you any validation when your needs aren’t met.
I understand you both appear to have some issues that need tackling, but it comes across from this that he’s just a passive influence in this relationship, whilst you appear to be the one making all the effort and concessions to try to keep him happy. Sounds more than a little one sided, and it doesn’t seem like you’re getting anywhere near what you need from it