Warning: long read
We’ve been together for more than 4 years and married almost 2 years.
It’s not like I wasn’t trying. I lost my job because of Lymes. It took me a few months to get back on track but I did and got a new job too. But then I relapsed. So I had to lose that job too because I couldn’t keep up with the physical exhaustion from it. And in between I had a few panic attacks. I felt so worthless because we weren’t well off and I didn’t like to see my husband working overtime to take care of us. I felt so sad that I was a burden. He tells me I wasn’t but I can’t believe that right now because he wants to leave me. It might be the best for him because he won’t have to deal with me anymore but I can’t wrap my head over it being right. It’s definitely not right for me but how can he do this while he can still say he loves me? It started a little over a year ago but it wasn’t continuous. We had a lot of fun times in between I believed. But he tells me it’s been going on for too long and he’s at his limit. He says he didn’t feel like I was really trying to get better. And that feels like such an insult. I tried to eat better, I went to doctors, I even swallowed my pride and asked my parents to let me vacation with them. My parents and I don’t have a good relationship and I hate being dependent on them for money but it felt like I had to just to go my to my hometown for awhile and see my best friends that I haven’t seen in years. And it really helped. But of course it didn’t cure my depression.
The only thing I can admit I couldn’t do was find a therapist by myself. I was really scared because I’ve heard so many stories about what can happen if you somehow don’t get a good one. How they just ask the basics and then charge $200. And I was already insecure about money.
I never treated him bad. I always tried to show him I loved him and that I was grateful for him. I just felt like I should be real with him about what I’m feeling and going through but I guess it was too much…
Two months ago, we had an argument which he left up in the air because he had an arrangement to spend time with his parents and it felt so unfair. He was going to new york with them and I actually didn’t know about it until a few days before when he already bought the tickets. And I just wasn’t included in it at all. And it was 2 days before my birthday. So it really felt like I was just put aside… so I had a panic attack which led to me saying things like I want to die. But he still left. And he even said “I hope you don’t die” as he left. Which, of course, made me go even more overboard. I knew it was wrong as I did it and I still regret it but I called him 5 mins after he left and told him I was going to jump if he didnt come back. He told me he wasn’t going to come back… until he did…an hour later… with his parents. This of course ruined my relationship with them too. But we talked and it felt like it was going to be okay until his brother’s wife barged in and told him to stay away from me. Then she locked me in the bathroom with her and told me that if I didn’t talk to her, she would put me in a mental hospital. And he let her do this to me… I was too shocked and too anxious to talk so I was inevitably taken to the hospital. They didn’t keep me for long though because it really was all situational. But it did teach me to never say those things again… no matter how much I feel like it. I am going to therapy now and even got a job but I guess the damage is done. I have already forgiven him and I told him that regardless of what has happened it won’t stop me from loving him and wanting to be with him. But he tells me that he can’t forgive himself…
He’s been to therapy twice since it happened but he’s stopped because he says his therapist told him he doesn’t need therapy. But everything he tells me says otherwise… We’re also going to go to couples therapy soon but he says he’s only doing it for me and that he doesn’t think it will work… I’m trying really hard to keep it together but it’s like being in a relationship with a wall.
To be honest, it feels like I have more reasons to leave him. He’s betrayed my trust more than a few times, he’s insensitive and unapologetic about it, he tries to micromanage me and blames me for putting him in a position where he feels like he has to, and he intentionally keeps things from me and his reasoning for it is because he thinks I can’t handle it. His reason for wanting to leave me is basically him saying he can’t handle it when I have panic attacks and that he doesn’t see me trying to get better. I’m not saying he doesn’t have it hard because I know it’s hard. I just thought that we could get through it together…
We work so well aside from all our problems. Actually we’ve even dealt with several problems properly before. Its just when it comes to my mental health that it gets heated because it’s always about what I’m not doing. Sometimes all I need is comfort and I tell him that but he still finds a way to make me feel guilty for feeling bad in the first place. He’ll tell me that it’s because I didn’t go outside that day, or that I’m overthinking, or even that I’m not acting like an adult. I was just so tired of being treated like that but the moment I got filled up, it’s like I’m suddenly the most toxic person ever according to his family…
I really don’t want a divorce… he’s still my home. He’s still the only one who makes me feel 10x better (when he tries). He may not be able to take care of me emotionally but he was there for me when I couldn’t walk or feed myself because of Lymes. He makes me laugh and we have all the same interests and values. It feels like such a waste to give up on something we can work on…
TL;DR My husband says he’s giving up on our relationship because he’s tired of me being depressed and that he doesn’t see me trying to get better. I’d like some advice on what to say to him to help him feel safe with me. As well as how to help him see that we can work on us.
9 comments
So leave him a d find yourself some friends tio hang out with
Sounds like it would be better for both of you to divorce. If he is over it you need to let him go.
Unfortunately, it seems he has already checked out of the relationship. I know you don’t want to divorce but you can’t force him to stay with you either. He is allowed to leave if he wants. He can still care about you and have love for you but not want to be with you anymore.
You’ve been more than he can handle. Become less of a challenge is my suggestion.
*Clearly Anxiety is a huge element of your life.*
You might find having a paper bag on hand invaluable should you experience yet another panic attack (it forces your lungs to retain a bit of carbon dioxide which relieves the autonomic panic reaction from thinking there’s no breathable air).
To damp down your predisposition to anxiety (which if longstanding, is often also the underlying cause of depression), you could try meditation — this is my favourite approach:
**anxiety prevention tip:**
I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.
There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.
At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.
A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.
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do you also experience intrusive ‘dark thoughts’ recurring many times each week?
Alright, hard questions time. You’ve refused to get a therapist, that’s something we know for sure is YOUR fault and something that’s eating at him. You are in desperate need of therapy to manage your depression and chronic illness. You have Lymes, and cannot work because of it. Do you also leave all the household chores and cooking to him? When you go somewhere who drives? Who plans? When was the last time you planned a date for him? When was the last time you got him a gift, or did something that played to his love language? How often do you have sex? You say your arguments are always about what you aren’t doing- it’s time to take a hard look at yourself and make a list of what you are doing. What’s he doing. What are YOU bringing to this relationship.
Love is not enough. Your comments on posts are all about how he loves you but his ‘confidence’ is low. Honey, you know love isn’t enough. Your husband has caretaker fatigue. He’s the sole breadwinner. His wife won’t leave the house or get professional help, and he feels like he’s drowning under the weight of all the things he’s expected to do to keep this relationship going. He tried to go on vacation to get a break from it all, and you emotionally manipulated him into staying with threats of suicide. I’m sorry that this isn’t more gentle, but you really, really need to do some soul searching here.
I have really nasty clinical depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and I know that sometimes the struggle to look past your own suffering and see it from someone else’s perspective feels unfair and cruel, but you’re trying to save your marriage and if you’re not willing to take that first step, you won’t. It sounds like you’re here for the magic want that’ll cure your relationship without you having to do the things you refuse to do or can’t do. You need a reality check.
You want the magic bullet? Here:
Step one: When your husband goes to work, call the nearest sliding scale fee therapist and set up your intake appointment. Without this, nothing else will work.
Step two: Clean your house. As much as you can manage. It will suck, and you will be tired, but he needs to have a visual representation of you trying.
Step three: Cook him his favorite meal. If you’re just too wiped out from the cleaning, order his favorite. Surprise him with it when he gets home.
Step four: Sit him down for a nice romantic dinner. Show him the confirmation email for therapy. Apologize for all the weight he’s had to bear. Tell him you see how much he does for you and how much pressure he’s under. Acknowledge his caretaker fatigue. Promise you’re going to work hard to get better.
Step five: Mean it. Do it. Go to therapy. Go to the next appointment, and the next. Get a one day a week job to force yourself to get out of the house and bring in some income. Go for walks. Force yourself through the hard parts. I know absolutely none of this is what you want to hear, but I’m telling you because I did it, and millions of other people have had to do it. It fucking sucks. But if he’s worth it for you, if you love him, if you love yourself, then the only way to make him think you’re getting better is to get better.
You are not being realistic or fair at all. Your poor husband.
threatening to kill yourself because he went to see his parents when you admit you went to see your parents in your home town for your mental health is abusive and unfair.
you refuse to get a therapist because you might not meet a good one. you’re so depressed that you can’t work or help out but you’re not doing anything to solve that.
it is absolutely unfair to ask him to be okay with laying in wait for you to get better when you’re not making the requisite steps. you guys are in your twenties. you are young. these are highly advanced issues that usually don’t start this young and he’s reevaluating what he wants.
edit: just read again and saw that you’re in therapy now. that’s great because it’ll help you but it may be too little too late for him. when someone wants to leave you, you have to let them. he can love you as a person and still acknowledge that he’s not happy in the relationship right now. you’re making progress so now it’s time to make that progress for you rather than for him
Think of it like a bucket.
Your husband had a bucket full of caring and empathy for you. Every time you make an emotional demand from him, it takes some out of the bucket. Every time you have good times together, it adds back in.
You emptied the bucket.
If there were some drops left in the bottom, then telling him you were going to kill yourself because he did something you didn’t like made sure that bucket was bone dry.
He can love you, but he can’t keep taking the emotional toll of being with you, especially if he’s seeing no improvement (and from the way you tell it, things have been getting worse, not better). At some point he needs to look after himself, not just you.
You definitely should’ve gone to therapy and still should. No one is going to make you better other than yourself. But regarding your husband I think he’s rather uncaring. He gave up on helping you very quickly, I’d even say he never tried to help you at all. It sounds like he couldn’t handle the depression straight off the bat and that’s unfair for you. My husband and I both have depression and have both threatened life plenty of times towards each other, never have we gotten an entire family involved in that moment. He didn’t want to talk through it, he just went to the extreme regardless if he’s apologised later on. If he’s not willing to help you, and you’re not willing to help yourself, I think you should divorce.