I acknowledge that he hasn’t created a hostile environment that prevents me from speaking my mind. I feel this way purely because I have a history of unsympathetic ex partners. I also grew up in a verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful home. The way my problems have been treated makes me want to avoid speaking about them at all costs.
When my exes called to ask me how my day was going, they would sometimes hang up as soon as I mentioned that I wasn’t doing or feeling well. During the times when they stayed on the call, they would essentially shame or chastise me. One pretty much told me that he “only wanted to hear me talk about happy topics.” The worst was probably when an ex said I sounded “crazy and bipolar” because “all I talked about was how stressful college was.”
I once confided in an ex about my history with suicidal depression. I also told him that I was traumatized by my experience at a 5150 hospitalization. He later used that as a method of emotionally hurting me, and admitted to me that hurting me was his intention. He once told me, “I hope you get locked up in an institution for the rest of your life” during an argument.
My recent ex gave off very mixed signals. He told me that he “valued a partner who is open about everything,” but whenever I would bring up problems I had in the relationship or with his behavior, he’d immediately get into an aggressive or antagonistic mood with me. In fact, he escalated most discussions into a full-blown argument when I thought they could have been resolved within a 15 minute conversation. It became very exhausting and frightening to deal with.
I eventually became too scared to open up emotionally because I was so certain that I was just going to receive similarly-negative reactions from future partners over and over again.
I understand that it’s not good to hold in your problems, especially longterm. For some issues, I have been doing well in expressing them to my current partner. For others, I felt too scared to open up, and only did so after a lot of coaxing or in worst case scenarios, after I succumbed to an emotional breakdown.
I know he’s frustrated that I do this, and I’m honestly continuing to try my hardest to get over this fear. I think he’s worth it, and I’m trying to trust him. It’s just hard to reprogram the way that I think because I’m not used to being with someone that actually wants to hear about my problems, and doesn’t degrade me for them.
TL;DR- I’m scared of opening up emotionally with my current partner because I’m worried that he will react in a severely negative or unsympathetic manner like my ex partners have.The way I’ve been treated makes me want to avoid speaking about them at all costs.
2 comments
There are two things you should do. One is the obvious, keep doing so with him, and when it goes well, keep reminding yourself he is different from your past awful partners. The second is also kind of obvious, but get a therapist with experience with trauma and work on healing from what you have been through. Unhealed trauma will leak into your life in all sorts of ways making things worse. You are aware of one way it is doing so, and that’s enough, but odds are high it’s affecting you in multiple ways. Some may not be a problem for your relationship, but you will probably be a generally happier person if you work on healing past trauma.
I know your type. This isn’t a bad thing or an indictment, it’s just to say that I understand you a little bit. I’ve had exes like you. If you are willing to listen, I’m going to share my thoughts, but please be aware that it might be harsh. If you can’t handle that, I suggest you move on, but honestly I’m writing this in good faith and trying to help. I believe that some harshness is warranted in a select few cases, and this is one of the few times I’ll do it.
You might come across as very negative. In a social interaction, if the first thing is negative, the other person is forced to respond to be either supportive, or defend themselves by blocking themselves off. Bringing negativity *will always* cause tension, and people don’t like tension. It’s abnormal in that most people won’t do it.
The next thing is that you might be depending on others to “fix” your mental problems. I think that you should be fixing your own problems. This can be done with a combination of therapy, exercise, eating right, meditation, yoga, and just generally getting your life in order. A mentally healthy person will not need to unload their problems on everyone they trust. They will try to solve the problems first, and try to troubleshoot little things with their friends or lovers. It’s okay to have problems, but it’s not okay to always unload them onto others.
Regarding your partner: if he really respects you, he will listen to your problems. If he doesn’t, he’s probably not right for you. But either way, unloading on someone and not taking any action to help yourself seems ungenuine. I advise you to help yourself and *then* be vulnerable. Not the other way around. Maybe the reason your exes didn’t want to talk to you is because doing so just made them feel bad. Nobody wants to feel bad.