My partner and I have been dating for about 3 months now. Most things are good, this is just a me problem, I guess
I don’t always want to/ like to cum. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the mess at the end or something but I’m not always in the mood to finish. I find it much more satisfying to get my partner to finish (it’s not a new thing either, this has been the case in all my relationships).
This is not to say that I don’t like it, it’s just that i’m not in the mood for it as often as sex ends up happening. Also, I do enjoy sex (both in general, and with this partner)
My partner is a little sensitive about the topic; me turning down her offers during, makes her feel almost guilty for offering. After she cums, I don’t always feel the need to cum as well. Also, it’s not like it’s a hard stop after she cums, I do like making out and other stuff lol
How do I sensitively bring this up with her, without making it feel like it has anything to do with my attraction to her, but about my own need/drive
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PS
I guess some other points–
\-Have considered asexuality before, doesn’t really feel like that
\-I do initiate sex often, not like I’m just along for the ride
If more context is needed, ask in the comments!
Sorry if my wording sounds robotic lol, difficult to put these feelings into words.
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TL;DR
How do I tell my(23M) partner(21F) that I don’t always want to cum during sex? I don’t want her to think that this has something to do with how I feel about her
6 comments
So, sex isn’t always just about sex, sometimes it’s about bonding and communion. She may feel like the sex is incomplete somehow.
OP, she may be feeling sexually inadequate because she “can’t get you off.” Most men are so focused on achieving their own orgasm, she is probably experiencing extreme culture shock in finding someone who gets excited getting HER off, yet doesn’t really care that much about himself. Even more surprising, that sometimes you actually CHOOSE not to climax, even though you could do so easily if you allowed yourself. (That, in particular, may be a hard thing for your GF to accept – since for many women, orgasm is as elusive as it is beautiful, and certainly not something you’d want to pass up if the opportunity presented itself.)
I’d recommend that you talk to her about this, preferably not while you are in bed, but some time when you’re just hanging out together and feeling relaxed. Tell her exactly what you’ve told all the kind strangers here, and especially stress that you’ve felt this way with ALL of your previous sexual partners, it’s not just her. Everyone’s different, and while you are definitely out there on the tail end of the bell curve among people with male genitalia, she’ll be better able to adjust to your needs and preferences if she knows exactly what they are, and doesn’t feel like she is somehow failing to satisfy you sexually. Good luck!
“I don’t always want to cum during sex. I’m not making this up to spare your feelings, you’re very good at pleasing me, I just genuinely don’t always want to cum because: (list reasons)”
It really is as simple as this.
My ex was like that. Really emphasise that it’s the full experience and intimacy you enjoy, not the orgasm. She’ll find it hard to believe by keep that line, including times where you’re physical/ being intimate but not having sex and she’ll see with time.
Human beings are funny creatures – we have this entire idea about intimacy whittled down into the equation of “orgasms given” = “love received”
Sex isn’t a performance – intimacy is a million tiny little eye movements, a change in breathing, linked fingers, sweat beaded down the back of a neck being caught by a tongue and the list goes on forever and in infinite combinations.
You’re not trained sex robots, nor is it an edited-to-perfection porn clip with a heroic cum shot.
Just relax, stop making orgasm the only goal.
Get interesting and creative.
I totally get this, I’m a girl not a guy but quite often I’ll enjoy the sex but it takes me a while to orgasm and I can’t summon the energy to get there sometimes 😅 so I’m like dw about me I’ve had fun and I’m happy to get you to finish and he’s fine with it. So I think just emphasising that you get most the enjoyment from the act itself not the climax she shouldn’t take it personally especially as you want to get her to finish still