How would women react to knowing a guy has moderate to severe haphephobia?

I’m 34m, I was abused as a child, which I’ve mostly dealt with, but it left me with a crippling phobia of being touched that I’ve had since. Unless I’m **very** comfortable with someone, anything beyond basic social interactions like a handshake or fist bump, etc. is very uncomfortable for me. It is distressing to the point that almost anyone new getting too close to me too soon will result in a reaction that is bad enough some people feel the need to suggest I have a disability or will tell every single person coming near not to touch me (actually incredibly insulting and makes things worse btw if you ever encounter someone with a social phobia).

If I can actually get to a point where I’m in a relationship and clear boundaries and labeling are in place, I can be comfortable. Part of my phobia is also not wanting to overstep the boundaries of others; it is nearly impossible for me to initiate any kind of physical contact other than basic courtesy like a handshake unless I know 100% it is okay. I’ve also been to tons of therapists over my life, this phobia is likely never going to be completely gone and since slow exposure is the only thing that’s ever helped me with it, I need someone understanding I can be around, not a psychologist to tell me things I already know. I have a few friends that are drug and alcohol counselors, I have actual friends with those kinds of skills I can talk to.

Obviously this has made forming any type of relationship, romantic or not, difficult for me. I’ve only had two relationships in my life that were physical. One was a more serious girlfriend for about a year, the other was a fwb type thing with someone I had known for quite a while that only lasted a few months. That ended about 8 years ago. Since then I have pretty much been alone in all aspects. A couple women at bars have approached me over the years (literally a couple, 2), and because they were being friendly and using touch to try to communicate and be calming I immediately ended up driving them away from my phobic reaction. I seem to only be able to stand any kind of touch from people I’m already interested in for some reason, even when it comes to guys with friendship. It is also very rare that I am actually interested in someone, be that as friends, romantically, or anything. I know this ends up leading to clinging behavior that drives people away as well.

All that said, I’ve been getting to know a woman I met a few months ago. She was going through a breakup of a pretty long relationship. I wasn’t really attracted to her until she started opening up to me about it and I opened up to her about past relationships. If she was only intending to be friendly, it seemed fairly fast for me as we pretty much discussed all the things people would if they were gauging interest like morals, family desires, upbringing, etc. We made compliments to each other about appearance or qualities we have. Most of the stories I told her would get a reaction of being sweet or cute.

Anyway, after a few weeks and her being more settled about her relationship ending I got the courage to ask her out. I invited her to a karaoke night and she agreed but immediately invited a guy friend she’s known for a long time. I didn’t think anything of it because we don’t really know each other super well and I was fine with her bringing a friend and driving herself. I’m not dumb, I know she’s not casual about dating or sex (obviously I’m not either) and I can tell what she wants most right now is a friend. My issues pretty much require me being friends first to even form a romantic relationship so this seemed like a good fit.

The next time I was able to actually talk to her alone I told her that I understood she wants friendship right now. I tried to make it clear that I’m cool with that, at least for now. She gave me a hug which was nothing but friendly, but because I haven’t been that close to a person in about 8 years it was incredibly intense for me. I didn’t have any usual phobic reaction, but it was so overstimulating and intense it was almost psychedelic for a brief moment because of every emotion and stimuli occurring at once.

The next week when I saw her and was more alone and private I opened up to her about just how intense my phobia is. She had already noticed things like me being very careful to not touch anyone if I move through a crowd and I figured the only way an actual relationship, only friendly or not could happen would be by being honest and upfront. I did not tell her the source of my phobia but I did tell her how long it had been since I’ve even made a new friend that wasn’t an acquaintance, gotten a hug that was more than obligatory (my family gets sideways shoulder pats), and how intense the experience was for me. She was of course shocked, but didn’t seem afraid or repulsed. She invited me to go to karaoke again but we ended up not going because she couldn’t get anyone else to go. I also explained to her that even if she ever wanted to be more than friends, I would need to be explicitly told so because I would be terrified of misreading signals or intent and overstepping boundaries before that. She laughed but I couldn’t really interpret if it was just nervous laughter, thinking I’m pathetic, a no chance laugh, or what.

I’m wondering if I’ve completely messed things up being so open so quickly. This woman seems to have some kind of interest in me, I mean she invited me out after I invited her, but it seems like she has far less interest toward me now. Her guy friend who is a big player type guy has talked to me alone about it somewhat. He seems to think I have provided too much attention and should be more aloof. He made it clear to me he’s only friends with her (she used to date his brother or friends brother or something years ago), and he was asking me pretty personal things about my relationship past. I’m fairly certain he was texting with her too. He was absolutely shocked I’d only been with 2 women in my life but understood more when I started explaining about my anxieties. When I said it was rare that I’m even attracted to someone, he flat out asked what I found attractive about this woman. It’s certainly obvious I’m attracted to her, I just wondered what exactly he was driving at by wanting that information.

So straight women, how many of you would even possibly be willing to be understanding about such a condition? In my experience the number has been close to 0. I fear that I’ve opened up too much and I’m only going to regret it. I was so walled off and used to being ignored that I ended up attracted to someone whose signals or unconscious behavior are difficult to interpret. I feel like I’ve made my intentions clear, and I haven’t been given any actual rejection. I’m having trouble telling if she is trying to get me to break out of being anxious (she’s said things like “go and get what you want” in the context of me moving up at my job and stuff), or if my being honest about my intent has scared her off. I think her friend was right I should be more aloof.