I’m going back to my ex husband, how do I tell my family?

34 comments

1. *it eventually ended in him (consentually) grabbing a female co workers ass*

   How did him grabbing a female’s butt (with her consent) end up in divorce, Op?

2. It’s your life but you’re here asking for advice so buckle up with some bluntness:

   It’s way too early to go back to him. He has to earn you back. Saying “I love you” and making promises you’re not even sure he can keep is all words right now. You need actions. So what you should be doing is slowly dating and reconnecting and seeing if his words match his actions. People who are flirtatious don’t just stop. Also, flirtation doesn’t always end up in grabbing someone’s ass. You make it sound so casual and not a big deal but would he be forgiving if you grabbed your coworker’s ass that you flirted with constantly? Doubtful.

   The reason you never dated someone else is because you were always in love with him. I think you’re probably one of those sad (no offense) women who are so hung up on your past and who he has been to you since high school so the idea of being with anyone else guts you, so you put up with any abuse.

   I personally think you’re showing your children that people can walk all over you and that you will put up with it because you love him. Someone who loves you wouldn’t have been flirting with others, or grabbing their ass, or going through with the divorce. But hey, you do you.

3. He’s your kids’ father, he loves you, and you love him. I understand why you want to give it another try. But hit pause, sister. A few secret dates is not enough to commit when there are kids involved. You have to be sure so your kids don’t end up with a yo-yo dad.

   Your parents most likely listened to you vent all through the “incident” and the divorce. It will take them a while to reconcile the bad guy version of your husband that you divorced with the good guy version you’re getting back together with. Your parents aren’t seeing the good guy because you’re sneaking around. Let him come to family events and spend some more time restoring trust before you make a big announcement.

4. You’re going back to a man that couldn’t respect you / your relationship enough to NOT flirt with other women.

   What message does this tell your children?

   Ofcos the people that know you will be disappointed with you but it’s your life at the end of the day.

5. I’m a firm believer that people can change for the better. It’s not like you let that incident slide, the consequences were severe for him,such that he understands what will happen if he slips up again.

   I mean, you have to build up trust again but what’s stopping you from working on the one relationship that matters to you the most?

6. I’m sorry but I can’t help but think that there is more to this story. Flirting with a coworker and “consensually” grabbing her ass is certainly bad behavior, but if there actually was no affair I find it hard to believe that you would get divorced over this one thing. Sure you might need couples therapy and it might take some time to get over, but if he was truly remorseful I would think you could have worked through it. I also wonder why everyone in your family doesn’t like him. You say he’s a “very good man”, but people don’t usually dislike very good men for no apparent reason.

   My advice is to think long and hard before you marry him again. There was a reason it didn’t work out the first time and it might be the same reason it won’t work out the second.

7. My concern is for the kids. If things go south, they will suffer the loss for the second time.

   Your family should accept your decision. It is not their life. My in laws never liked me because my parents were not wealthy.

   However, baby steps first…

   I wish you all the luck in the world.

8. I know you’ve been in love with him for the past 8 years, but grabbing a coworker’s ass is a valid reason to get a divorce, and you shouldn’t be ignoring that. I don’t know your whole situation and you probably won’t listen to the opinion of stranger’s on the internet, but you truly need to think this through before taking him back. He won’t be able to move back in and act like the last 8 years didn’t happen. People will judge you and they’ll have questions, your kids might not adapt as well as you think, and getting divorced a second time will affect your life and the life of your kids even more than the first time.

   You seriously need to think about every detail and every what-if scenario before jumping back into a marriage. It’s not just gonna be some fairytale for you.

   As for telling your family and friends, they’re going to have strong opinions and there’s nothing you can say or do to change their reaction. They saw this man break your heart and tear apart your family. You might be able to figure him because you’re in love, but they don’t love him and don’t want to forgive him.

9. Honestly he seems trashy and manipulative to me, I’m on your fam’s side. He just wants easy sex, less parenting duties and to not pay child support. Don’t make this mistake again.

10. We need so much more information than this. Do tell us how exactly did you managed to get divorced from a butt grabbing situation and do tell us what did you say to your family about you ex/soon to be future future ex. There must be a reason for which they don’t like him.

11. Your mom was absolutely right. He may have been an otherwise good man but he was cheating on you and being a sleezeball. That isn’t a petty reason to divorce.

    Now that doesn’t mean he hasn’t grown up. If he really has and still has those good qualities as well then this could work. Good luck and just ask your mom to give him a chance. He makes you happy and he has become a good man. Tell her to simply do what you are doing which is giving him a chance to prove himself.

12. Hate to break it to you.. but if your whole family hates him… there is a reason. You either don’t know what it is, or they been telling you for years and you live in denial.

13. If you’ve made up your mind on getting together I would reccomend couples counseling. And date him for awhile before jumping into “being a family again”. Make him prove he’s changed, that he deserves a second chance, and that he can deal with the deserved anger from your family. Go slow, your children shouldn’t have to deal with the fallout of you guys rushing this without proper precautions.
    Personally I’m of the opinion that once a cheater always one. But it sounds like your mind is set on this anyway. So please, take it slow for the kids.

14. There isn’t any good way. Not many people will support this, for good reason.

    How much therapy have you both had?

15. You never tried to date anyone else in 8 years? Of course you would go back to him. You have nothing to compare it to. But this is really unhealthy. You have robbed yourself of a lot of important life experience.

16. The simple answer is that you don’t tell your kids and your family yet. You mention you have been on a few secret dates that is far too soon to be saying anything. You are still in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship.

    Imagine that he was someone new that you didn’t have such an extensive history with. You wouldn’t say anything to your kids or family until you were sure that this was a well established and healthy relationship. A few dates is far from established. It’s like you are skipping ahead with rose tinted glasses on because of the history you shared but that history is the whole reason you need to slow things down.

    Go on more dates. Talk about the expectations you both have for what life together looks like. You have co-parented for 8 years but ‘being a family again’ doesn’t just happen overnight. Your kids may be happy like you say or they will more likely be confused as to why you are back together and anxious that things could go wrong again.

    Give your new relationship time to become established before bringing other opinion, especially your children’s, into the mix

17. Please don’t remarry for a *while*. A few dates and some nice words is not the incredible expression of love and change you seem to be taking it as.

    And if you remarry and he does it again? Well, I’ve heard courts get worse and worse for couples who flip-flop and marriage and divorce so frequently.

18. Please stop telling yourself you divorced for a stupid reason. Grabbing a coworker’s ass could easily become an affair or sexual harassment- either a stupid thing for a married father to do.

    Maybe it is the right time for you again but please make sure you think about yourself. Don’t rush it.

19. Your family might have some other legit reasons for disliking him, and I think you’re intentionally leaving those reasons out of this post.

20. “Neither of us tried to date anyone else.” Very unlikely as he had no self control when it came to grabbing someone’s ass…wake up

21. My parents were married and divorced from/to each other 3 separate times, ending with them FINALLY staying divorced this time around. Be very mindful if you decide to give him another chance and consider what the outcome to your kiddos would be if you divorce again. It’s rough on everyone, but especially kids

22. Get counseling before remarriage. In my experience, guys don’t just grab their coworkers’ backsides.

23. Yea im not buying how he couldn’t keep his hands off another woman while married to you but supposedly didn’t date anyone for 8 years.

    As for you if you didn’t try because you never got over him that’s not healthy and probably going to lead you back to exactly how things were.

    A few secret dates is not enough to be a family again. You guys got divorced over him cheating on you. No, it was not something silly. That’s you downplaying it and will again lead you two back in a circle.

    Opening by letting you go through his phone means he knows you don’t trust him. Your focus should he rebuilding that trust so you don’t have to go through his phone.

    Youre getting a lot of red flags that you two aren’t ready to be a family yet and are making a dangerous choice. If you’re doing this “for the kids ” you’re actually putting them in more harm than good. Imagine them hearing about you two getting back together and then things crumble apart or you two end up miserable and right back to where you were before. Do you think that’s healthier for them because you two tried again?

    I say this as someone who does believe people can change. It sounds like youre going too fast and not thinking about things. You may know you want to try but you still need to take time to see how much you’ve both grown and changed in 8 years.

    You guys could get back together in a healthy manner. You however are choosing a very reckless way to get back together and seemingly are not here for advice. You’re here on how to break the news that is very likely to upset those around you that realize you are being quite frankly stupid and unhealthy.

24. Imo the reason for your divorce was NOT petty or stupid. What he did was definitely disrespectful to you and at max, cheating. There’s no excuse for that.

    You said he “just” grabbed a coworkers butt…did you establish how he was able to consentually do that without having any sort of romantic/physical relationship prior? That seems pretty drastic and not really believable.

25. “Hey, just wanted to let you know I grabbed another one of my coworkers ass bc you know, you won’t REALLY do anything about it. Plus I’m being honest right?!”

26. Tell them you’ve lost your god damn mind.

    Because you have.

27. >Niether if us even tried to date anyone else.

    So, he grabbed a co workers ass while y’all were married, but he never tried to date another woman in those 8 years you were divorced? And you believe that? C’mon girl. You know that isn’t the case. He had every right to do so (date other people), of course, but the fact that he obviously told you that he didn’t is super suspect.

    >My mom always told me I’m “too good” for him and basically that leaving him was the best thing that ever happened. My dad too. Everyone on my side of the family really doesn’t like him for no reason, even though I always have defended him.

    If you bad mouthed him to them and told them all of his faults through out your marriage, then of course they have a reason to dislike him. The fact that you have been hiding the fact that you have been dating him again isn’t going to go well for the reconciliation of him and your family. I believe most people deserve second chances. Bring him to family dinners/get togethers/etc and let them see he is a better guy now.

    >we talk a lot still but a few months ago when we were hanging up he said “I love you” and I said “what?” And he said “I love you [my name]” and i felt butterflies like I haven’t felt since high school. I said “I love you too” after a while we slowly started flirting with each other and a few weeks we even went on a secret date. I told the kids it was a business dinner.
    >
    >After a few more secret dates he asked me if we can all be a family again. He swore he will never do what he did. He promised me. He said I can go through his phone whenever go to his work whenever I want. He said he will be mine and mine only and that was the worst mistake he ever made.

    ​

    ​

    I’m sure you love him and he still loves you. People can change, and people can change a LOT in 8 years time. The fact that you told him yes about getting back together after only a few months of “dating” is scary though, TBH.

    Why not date and do so as if you are just getting to know this person? In a sense, you ARE getting to know the him he is after 8 years. Also, I implore you to go through an extensive couples counseling before you decide to re-marry this guy. Your kids do NOT deserve to go through a rollercoaster of emotions if he comes back for a while and then y’all break up again because you didn’t set the stage for a healthy relationship this time around.

    I do wish you all the best and I do hope it works out for you both, and your kids. I also hope that you do not let your heart over rule your head and you at least consider the idea of counseling (having the kids be a part of it, if they are old enough, is a good idea).

    Good luck.

    ***EDITS for mistakes

    One more edit to add – I’ve seen some of your responses below and you don’t want advice for anything else it seems, you seem to have it all figured out. You just want to know how to tell your family and kids? OK.

    Tell your family you are getting back together with him and tell your kids the same. That’s it. What else is there to say?

    Good luck.

28. Meh….reheated leftovers doesn’t taste as good as fresh meals. Try dating! I know it’s hard out there but at least you can have a “taste” of other personalities!

29. Lol you can ultimately do what you please but to expect anyone else to be on board is going to be a nearly impossible. You can say you divorced for a stupid reason but it was enough for you at the time to look at that option seriously. You need to just move on. Your ex is your ex for reason.

30. Why don’t you ask everyone in your family (in private) why they have such a low opinion about him? Doesn’t it bother you that everyone in your family thinks he is a jerk? Maybe they see something that you don’t.

    And why you can’t just date him for a while / go on vacation / spend time with kids together without moving in with him right away?

31. There’s more to this story. Nobody gets divorced “for practically no reason,” goes 8 years without so much as trying to see other people, or withholds their desire to reconcile for 8 years. Somebody is not telling the truth about what’s happened in the last 8 years.

    Also, I mean c’mon, he couldn’t remain faithful while you were married but you believe he didn’t so much as look at another woman for next 8 years???? Girl…

32. You’re lonely and he’s lying. If he was that grabby and flirty with other women while you were married, you can absolutely 100% bet he was with other women as soon as you divorced. He’s either broke, desperate, or settling.

    You split up for a reason. There’s a real reason in there somewhere, that’s way bigger than him grabbing somebody’s ass.

33. >He was a just being very flirtatious with women from his work and it eventually ended in him (consentually) grabbing a female co workers ass.

    You really think someone like that would do this –

    >Niether if us even tried to date anyone else.

    For 8 years?

34. Grabbing someone’s ass and flirting with multiple women is NOT small.

    I don’t think you should tell your kids. I’d be careful that he isn’t attracted more to being with the kids and being a family (and idealizing that), over being a couple with you. Those are two separate things. You need to do a lot of therapy first.

    And you have to realize your reason for divorce was perfectly reasonable!!! This is not your fault. It was all his fault! Has he acknowledged that? Because if he hasn’t, then he is going to go back to cheating but keep you there because of the children’s sake.