Original Post:
Two months in, is this a red flag already? from relationship_advice
Update:
Whenever we go out he’d always insist that he pays, and I thought he was being a gentleman. There were dates where I tell him that I’d like to be taking him out and I’d want to pay and he would graciously let me.
But last week he told me that he was tight on money and waiting on his next paycheck so I’d have to pay for dates until then. I had no problem at all! What I did have a problem with is that he’d call/text me asking that I send over money for food/coffee. I’m very well aware he has food and coffee in his home, but he just wants to always order take out.
It’s poor financial management on his end and it’s not within my budget to be spending allowance on a grown adult man. He was also asking his family for money everyday until he’d get his next paycheck for the month. He could go to the store and get food for the week but he’d rather spend it all on 2 takeout dinners. So last night when he asked, I said calmly, “I’d love to help out but I’m tight on this week’s budget and I still have a few more bills to pay”. In my defense, since he was already taking money from family, why can’t he just do that? Why does it have to be me? We’ve only been dating for a little over a month, I find that really odd. But he was PRESSED!
He started recalling every date where he payed and I didn’t, and comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget. He started telling me how he’ll never ever ask me for anything ever again and that from now on we’ll just be splitting it all 50/50 and he will be “treating me per my worth” and how clearly sees me for who I truly am now. I told him that I understand he’s upset but him feeling embarrassed/rejected doesn’t mean he can be speaking to me this way. He started yelling and cursing at me telling me to “shut my mouth” and using any personal detail I’ve shared about my life against me, saying that he’s “the truest MAN I’d ever date” and that I had no right to ever question/judge his integrity by saying that “a man would never ask a woman for money” – which I never said! I kept repeating that I did not say that at all. I have no idea how he came up with that, I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing? But he wouldn’t stop and would just keep yelling and cursing away.
I couldn’t handle it anymore and just ended the call mid yelling, and text him “it’s over, your behavior is unacceptable” and that was it.
What in the world? Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way? He said I should’ve chipped into my savings, bought the dinner anyway and THEN calmly sat down to discuss my concern.
TLDR; He began asking for money this week and when I said that it wasn’t within my budget he yelled at me. I broke it off.
40 comments
Stay broken off from him. Block him. Never respond.
You did good. 👍🏻
You handled him better than i’d ever would. I would be flipping him off but you ended it gracefully without much drama.
Keep it up op. You’ve done a very good job by staying respectful and sane in the entire situation and just cut him off cleanly when you think its enough
Ok so you’ve been with him a little more than a month and he’s a lunatic. There is no question breaking up was correct. Follow through in walking away or you are setting yourself up for a very unhappy and messed up relationship.
He’s 36 and financially irresponsible. This isn’t someone you build a life with let alone date. Good that you realized he’s a huge red flag. He needs to stay single and get his shit together. He’s way too old to be this irresponsible. I had to double check his age because I thought he was in his early 20s and still had a lot to learn about being financially responsible. He’s going struggling and beg for money for the rest of his life.
Sounds like you did everything perfectly! You were decent and helped him out, until he crossed a clear line, and then you very effectively communicated the problem to him and took action on it. This was a lot better than trying to be ‘nice’ and punishing yourself and him for a few months until you just couldn’t stand it anymore, then acting out in a strange way to break up.
There is no good way to break up, it was a lost cause, and NO, you shouldn’t have dipped into any savings to feed him and then be nice to him. He’s a crazy user trying to gaslight you. Ghost him and treat yourself to a nice meal! From your savings, no less.
You did the right thing. Good lord, imagine what would have happened if you had kept dating him?
“comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget.”
That’s exactly why he’s in the position he is in. He’s financially irresponsible. Consider this as dodging a bullet.
No not a better way. Dudes clearly unstable. He’s essentially just thrown a massive tantrum over you pulling him up on his bull and he has no self respect let alone respect for you. Yikes! wonder if he realizes how much he’s embarrassing himself.
You did VERY good by getting rid of him, he will eventually absolutely wreck the life, mental health and economy of a woman who is too nice to say no like you did.
There was no better way to deal with it. You did great. A month- it is mind boggling what he thought he could ask.
I would have added “don’t ever contact me again” to the end of your text, but stellar job! He’s a loser.
This dude was a lost cause. He has some serious issues and was trying to bully you into compliance.
What a loser.
I guarantee you if you would have done things exactly how he said, he would have found some way to be salty about that as well. Maybe he would have been mad that you bought him the food in the first place if you felt that way. It would have always been something that was your fault, I guarantee you that.
He actually did you a favor being that over the top. Now you know he was 100% not worth another second of your time.
Wow that dude sounds so fucking toxic, I’m glad you broke it off.
You did the right thing, unfollow and block him everywhere, he is too much drama to even spark with him again.
>just ended the call mid yelling, and text him “it’s over, your behavior is unacceptable” and that was it.
Queen shit.
>he never thinks about tomorrow financially
lol ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun
Proud of you! Red flags came up and you trusted your gut.
OP you seem like a sweet person. But that asshat was trying to take advantage of you.
You need to stay away from him and relax, and don’t let any of his comments bother, they came from a place of attempting emotional manipulation and he’s a sick ass for trying to pull that…
ESPECIALLY OVER TAKE OUT!?
You’re better off single, but you’re such a nice person you’ll find a much better candidate soon.
>comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget.
Maybe that’s why he needs money from everyone…..
That’s not the attitude of an adult
As someone who recently got away from this kind of manipulator, I legit had to check ages cause I thought you were dating my Ex. Damn you did the right thing.
GREAT CALL. He never thinks about tomorrow financially? That’s why he’s a 36 year old adult who needs to ask mommy daddy and younger girlfriend for cash to buy himself a coffee. Was he not embarrassed to admit this? Good lord.
I’m glad you didn’t waste more time on him. These crazies normally purposely take longer to get to that level of wacko. God.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this?
He’s shown who he truly is. Bullet dodged!
I admire you and will think about this the next time I need to stand up for myself !!
You putting your foot down is gonna help some woman in the future when he has second thoughts abt exploiting her bc you initiated the precedent that his behavior is unacceptable. Thank you you’re doing great
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way?
It was a lost cause. I read your linked post and some of your comments there.
You’re operating in good faith: looking for alternative ways to communicating, making sure you recognize where you might have messed up, wondering if you’re being reasonable, and giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He is NOT acting in good faith. He does NOT have your best interests at heart. There is no “way you could have approached him” that would have worked, because he is not interested in a reasonably, healthy, respectful, adult conversation between two partners. He is interested in getting money from you. (Or, in your previous post, making himself feel better about himself, by putting you down.)
/r/niceguys
Found the scammer.
Guy doesn’t have a regular job. He’s out of money due to spending a great fraction of it on dates with you and likely other women. He expects that money to be returned….. with interest. In both senses of the words. You and the other women he’s talking to are his regular job.
Also note how quickly his charm, friendliness, affection, and affability evaporates when you tell the grifter you’re “not gonna give ‘im his money.”
Lastly, Note that nobody insists on paying on a date, for benevolent reasons. Both parties should show concern for what the other is comfortable with, and beware a one sided, unilateral dynamic when it comes to paying. or being payed for, for that matter,
Tell him you’re on to his scam and he should have stuck with selling “extended warranties.”
>What in the world?
ENTITLED ASSHOLE MANBABIES. I’m sorry you had to meet one. The first one is always overwhelmingly shocking in its ridiculousness and entitledness. The following ones are not as surprising and therefore even more infuriating, but at least make great party stories a few months later.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way?
completely, absolutely, lost cause. you acted like a sane adult. there was nothing you could have done and what you did meets every reasonable standard.
>He said I should’ve chipped into my savings, bought the dinner anyway and THEN calmly sat down to discuss my concern.
……………………..
eh, you know what? Who cares what he thinks about proper behavior? This from a man who just screamed at you over the phone. You handled it excessively well, I loved the “your behavior is unacceptable text”. Absolute queen, perfect strategy, just carry on and don’t doubt your feelings and sense of morality because of this dumbass.
> “a man would never ask a woman for money” – which I never said! I kept repeating that I did not say that at all. I have no idea how he came up with that, I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing?
He’s reliving something he probably heard from a male influence in his life or a female influence and has internalized this and feels shame about it… or something.
Good lord, why are you even wasting the time to post this, you spent more than enough on him. He already told you he’s always going to be broke. You stay together, it’ll be a matter of time before he loses his job and you end up supporting him.
He’s 36 and borrowing money for takeout coffee? You need to move the heck on
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this?
NOOOO
>Or was it a lost cause either way?
YES. 100%!!!!!!
The fact that you’re even excusing yourself for certain things means that he has already started to get into your head. If you hadn’t broken up now, you would’ve been stuck in an abusive relationship.
But please do learn from this. If you think something is a red flag, ask a friend or someone you trust. And if they say it’s bad, then break up. If they say it’s not that bad, trust your gut and break up or ask another friend. Don’t doubt yourself so much.
Doing favors to call them in when they want to exert control over you is a narcissistic trait. The fact that he completely lost his shit on you over you lightly pressing back against his weird power play thing shows me that he’s not angry that you didn’t pay for his food, he’s angry that you resisted his manipulations and told him no, even though it was a very soft no and didn’t give him any attitude. If this is what he’s going to act like when he doesn’t get his way over something small, imagine what it would be like if your housing or your credit score depended on him. GREAT JOB cutting this manipulator loose before he did more damage.
Lol…what a toddler. Bullet dodged.
“I don’t worry about tomorrow Babe…can’t believe you are budgeting for NEXT week like a rube. Also, dip into your savings and have coffee delivered to my door.”
You handled that well 😌
He’s a psycho. Do not communicate with him in any way. Do not worry about or think about if you did anything wrong because you did not. You did not owe him anything and you were perfectly reasonable and polite.
No. You did it right. He was baiting you. He got mad that what usually or often works enough didn’t with you…
He just showed you who he was. You did great. Remember to block him in email, social media and phone… I don’t recall if you met online but if so… report his offline behavior !!!
Stonewalling is awesome because its a reliable indicator of an impending shit show and it usually shows up super early so you can get out before things get serious.
>how he never thinks about tomorrow financially
That is not a flex when you’re broke and begging for money lol
Wait… he’s 36? I thought this was a dude of no more than 16.
What a loser… you did good OP, you deserve way better than that.
A month??? A month and he’s acting like he has supported you your whole life!!! That is hilarious.