Boyfriend pushing me to do things sexually and then gets mad

29 comments

1. Pls leave him, preferably when he isn’t there and obviously don’t tell him you are going or where you have gone to. X

2. Let’s be real clear here, there’s only one person who should be embarrassed and it’s him. You should never EVER feel pressured by a partner to do something you don’t want to do and he should never ever then try to gaslight you in order to coerce you into doing it. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and seems to cycle back to being aggressive. Don’t ever let someone guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. And honestly, kick this guy to the curb – this is a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.

3. So your partner *is not allowed to get pissed at your for establishing a reasonable boundary.*

   You don’t enjoy anal with him. You don’t want to do it. The end, full stop. While people sometimes do things sexually that they don’t love because they know how much their partner loves them, and they enjoy making their partner happy and know reciprocation will come in some other form, that general guideline doesn’t include things that are extremely painful or that you just have to close your eyes and grit your teeth until they’re over.

   Somebody who tries to make you feel guilty or defensive for establishing and enforcing a reasonable boundary – like, say, someone who accuses you of cheating because you won’t have anal with them – should be *immediately* dumped.

   Like, in any healthy relationship I’ve had as an adult, if I was turned down a sexual favor and responded by accusing she was cheating or implying she was cheating, I would have been single within five minutes.

   What he’s doing is manipulation. The point is that if you refuse him, it creates drama and arguments, so eventually at some point you give in because it’s easier to endure anal than to put up with another fight or more cheating accusations.

   This is unacceptable. You need to tell him that this just can’t happen, and if it does happen you have to dump him.

   We get lots of borderline stuff on this sub, stuff that can be read a couple of different ways, places where there’s room for partners to learn and grow together – this is not one of those. “You won’t do anal? Why not? Is it because you’re cheating on me?” should be a dealbreaker even if anal with him wasn’t excruciatingly painful for you.

4. >The big one is anal. We have done it before a few times and It was horrible. I don’t think I have ever been in so much pain.

   He should *never* cause you pain. Anal’s tricky, requires lubrication before and during, relaxation, and starting gradually (smaller objects like one, two, then three fingers working easily before trying something like an erect penis). Tensing up is absolutely the wrong response by you.

   ​

   >has has some pretty bad anger issues

   *That,* is the most worrisome aspect of all.

5. Oh you’re not supposed to keep dating people who are abusive. This is called sexual coercion and emotional abuse. That’s what he’s doing. You break up with people who do this.

   I know you probably wanted a different answer but there simply isn’t one. You don’t stay with someone who abuses you.

6. He was temporarily able to suppress the side of him you didn’t like. But it’s in his character and it’s unlikely he’ll change, or that you can change him, permanently.

   You’re seeing the true, mean, disrespectful, side of him whining through again. It’s time to make some choices. Choose wisely.

7. Why are you tolerating this?

8. His behavior is pretty toxic. He’s trying to convince you that YOU are the problem. But you’re not. He should respect your bounderies the moment you express them. I call these kind of guy “the porn generation”, because they learned about sex mainly through porn and this has became their standard. Sensuality is out of the equation and they didn’t learn about respect and listening to the other. They always need and want more… And they gaslight their partner, like he’s doing with you…

   Well, obviously not all young men are like this, but they’re still too much.

   Listen to your instinct. Protect yourself. And get out of that relashionship because you deserve somebody who will cherish and respect you…

   And it’s ok to explore and try different things, but everybody has it’s own limit (or lack of) and need to be respected.

9. Sounds like he cares more about anal than he does about you and your feelings.

10. So if you say “I am not comfortable” he accuses you of cheating? That is pure manipulation. Using your affection for him as a weapon to guilt you with: NO.

11. >I don’t know if he actually means it or just brings it up to try to hurt me.

    Is either one acceptable? Or are both of them profoundly unhealthy and not worth it?

12. There are a lot of posts similar to this one. To all of them, I can only say, take back your power.

    Tell him you’re not cheating (once, don’t try to convince him or beg him to believe you), and that you’re not doing anal. Full stop. Tell him he can do what he thinks he’s gotta do.

    Yes, this might mean you break up, but if he can’t deal with a little assertiveness then you’d be avoiding a lifetime of his bullshit.

    EDIT: If he threatens to leave, do not beg, plead, or bargain to keep him. That’s his goal. Accept his decision with as little emotion as you can. Make him bargain for a change, or let him go. Playing this kind of hardball isn’t good for a relationship, but of he’s manipulating you, take and use your power.

13. It’s rape! Plain and simple!

14. Tell him he should go get an enema because he’s clearly full of shit.

    > girls do it all of the time.

    I mean, no. And he’s been with you since he was 21, how does he know how many girls are willing to do it regularly? There’s been studies on this and while there hasn’t been a big one I could find in the last seven years, as of 2015 it looks like women who do anal are still in the minority. I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbers have gone up due to the proliferation of porn, but its still pretty normal to not want to do it. And even if it was the majority of women, that doesn’t mean you have to. An increasing number of men are rimming their girlfriends and getting pegged, is he cheating if he doesn’t want to do that? Is he not attracted to you if he won’t put on a dress and have you call him a sissy?

    His arguments are ridiculous. Different people have different tastes and that’s okay. His inability to take no for an answer is frightening and you’re getting into sexual coercion territory. It makes me wonder if he’s had soooo much consensual anal sex before you or if he’s just used to wearing women down until they give in.

15. This relationship has run its course and for quite awhile now.

16. I gave 10 years to a guy who did this. Don’t be me.

    Fast forward to my healthy marriage today in my 40s and my husband would never want me to do anything sexually I was uncomfortable with.

    Want more for yourself.

17. Let’s break this down….
    1. You started dating when you were 18 and he was 21. You were/still are VERY IMPRESSIONABLE. He knows this and is using this against you.
    2. Any partner/bf/person you are with should understand your limits. My now hubby slipped and his wang went into my bunghole and I was in the fetal position for 20 minutes as he got an ice pack for me and he has NEVER brought up anal again (jokes to get a rise but has never EVER tried as he saw how much pain I was in)
    3. It sounds like anal is important to him over your comfort and you might be sexually incompatible. You’re young honey… do yourself a favor and have a real convo with your bf and tell him you may never be cool with anal and if that’s a deal breaker, than we need to part ways.
    Be good to yourself love.

18. What’s the “old him” What does “anger issues” mean, OP? I’m asking because that reads as though he was abusive and maybe stopped for a bit, but you’re scared of it happening again.

    What he’s doing, the sexual coercion, is already bad enough that you should leave, but I’m worried that you’re omitting certain things that are even worse, just because maybe he hasn’t done them as recently.

19. %100 what everyone else is saying!!

    But because I’m petty I would find a dildo the size of him and if he tries to manipulate you hand him that dildo and use his same manipulation tactics on him, same arguments, same disregard for his pain receptors, boundaries or desires.

20. He wants to hurt & bully you sexually. This is not love its control, the guy wants to OWN you and make you his B****. Have you thought of sugesting buying a strap on so you give him a good fuck in his ass first? See how he likes them apples!

21. A man who won’t take no for an answer is dangerous and you should leave him. Full stop.

22. So tell him to go date one of those women who does want to do anal.

23. My ex was exactly like this, buried anger issues and would emotionally blackmail me when I didn’t wanna do stuff. He turned out to eventually do some insidious things and unravel and I packed up and left one day when he went to work

    I never went back lol

24. DUMP HIM and RUN. He’s abusing you. Please wake up and get out. You’re not safe, and decent men who love their girlfriends would never dream of pressuring to do sexual things they aren’t comfortable with.

25. Men are fucking obsessed with anal because of their sick porn addicted minds. I am fucking tired of every man being obsessed with one spesific hole and getting mad like an 8 year old when you tell them no. I don’t know what to tell you since I am suffering from the same shit but I wish all the best to you.

26. How a person handles a no says a lot about their character.

27. Wtf. Me and my Fiancé do anal very very rarely. Because it’s uncomfortable and makes me kinda unwell the next day as I’ll have a day of diarrhoea. He doesn’t push or guilt or anything. He let’s me make the call. If we start and I change my mind he will stop and cuddle me and make sure I’m OK. Your bf sounds highly abusive he shouldn’t be trying to coerce you into doing stuff you don’t want to do. You have made it a boundary and he is constantly trying to cross it. So so wrong.

28. What would you tell a friend if they came to you with this issue? You’d tell them to leave right?

    He is emotionally manipulating you into doing sexual acts you don’t want to. Does that sound like a loving partner? He jumps to the extreme scenario that you must be cheating so that you will back down and give in.

    Yeah some girls will do it all the time, some won’t do it ever, what’s his point there? Ask if you can screw him with a strap on and if he declines just inform him that guys do it all the time.

    There are people out there who don’t act like your BF does you know. You can do better than this dude.

29. This is sexual and emotional abuse. You need to get out of this relationship. It’s not easy but you’re 21, sounds like there are no real strings attached. Cut him off. You deserve better.