Now to clarify, I (22 m) have been dating a (21 f) for about over a year that has bpd, and we had a very rocky beginning. But there are things she says that are overly distressing and mean at times, she will get upset and threaten a breakup and tell me she does not want me anymore and more horrible shit like that, she has told me she has bpd and that she can’t control her anger in episodes like that, she has constantly told me she is done with this relationship and has went so far as to block me sometimes. It’s hard to tell if it’s just normal frustration or bpd or something else I’m not thinking of. I try to calm her down to no avail only to be told “IM DONE! DELETE MY PICTURES AND TALK TO OTHER WOMEN” idk if she’s just frustrated, bpd, upset cause she really loves me or even a mix of all three. I guess I’m just trying to see if there’s anyone out there who deals with this experience or something similar as to not feel so alone and maybe potentially get some advice on how to deal with it if it’s a bpd rage.
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My friend has been with his girlfriend for five years now, and she had BPD, but she goes actively to therapy, and communicates with him when she feels as though she’s struggling
Much like any other health issue, if they’re actively doing something, preferably working with a professional, then things will be easier, but without that, it’s going to be a rollercoaster gliding on toxicity.
It’s not going to be easy. And if she isn’t actively in treatment for it, the things you’re experiencing aren’t going to become any less extreme. Frequent breakup threats are simply not how a relationship should function, considering of course that you aren’t being completely unreasonable.
So, my take on it is: if they aren’t actively in, or seeking treatment/therapy for coping with their bipolar-ness, it’s not a path I’m willing to go down. Or in the case of a lack of proper health insurance, I’d at least want to see a strong desire within them to seek treatment when they are in a more fortunate position. And in the meantime, I’d like to see them be open to learning together with their s/o how best to navigate them being bipolar. I’m sure there’s a lot you could do even outside of professional treatment. Seeing the warning signs, knowing when they need space, knowing when they need to ask for space, specific triggers, etc.
So yeah, if there’s none of the above, like not even the thought of it, I’d have a hard time proceeding forward with someone like that.
I had to go very low-contact with my sister, who I suspect has a Borderline Personality.
What you describe is consistent with my sister’s behavior. She claimed I was dead to her half a dozen times.
My sister claims a new diagnosis every 6 months or so. Can’t take responsibility for what she claimed in the past. Claims she can’t afford therapy which may be true but she needs it.
The attention seeking, verbal agression, projection, Passive-aggression, random accusations, don’t get better.
What kills me the most is how two-faced my sister is.
My sister lives rent-free in my parents backyard in her RV, because she thinks she’s too good and too enlightened to work for a male-owned company. Makes no use of her degree in computer science. The real reason is she’s been fired too many times for making inappropriate, passive agressive comments.
**She has constantly told me she is done with this relationship and has gone so far as to block me sometimes.**
Muncle, my experience is that, in a relationship with an untreated person with borderline personality disorder (“pwBPD”), whatever you do will be hurtful to her much of the time. A comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her if repeated a week later. Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON’T do it.
This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming her *abandonment* fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her *engulfment* fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.
Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she’s being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults — but she cannot tolerate it for very long.
Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you’ve started triggering her abandonment fear.
In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.
Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality — and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.
Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).
Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her — i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing.
**I’m trying to see if there’s anyone out there who deals with this experience or something similar.**
Muncle, coming here to r/relationship_advice was a smart decision. I suggest you also take a look at the r/BPDlovedones sub, where you will find hundreds of members sharing their experiences of living with — or walking away from — their BPD partners.
In the right-hand column of that sub, you also will find a list of good books and links pointing to online resources. Moreover, Reddit’s biggest BPD resource targeted to the abused partners is the r/BPDWiki.
If you ever decide to walk away from the relationship, I would suggest you read the article, “[Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD](http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm).” If you have any questions you would like to raise with me, Muncle, I will be glad to discuss them with you here in your thread.
It’s the BPD, but it’s also the choices she’s making regarding her own coping mechanisms. Is she actively working on learning skills to deal with her impulses? Is she growth oriented? BPD is a thing where you need to be getting help.
The reason she’s saying those things to you is because she’s doing something called splitting. She really can’t help splitting, but you have the right to your boundaries and if she can’t respect them, then she needs to get professional assistance to work on it.
r/BPDlovedones
Everything you describe is very normal. Mine ended up in cheating, which she was on her blocking phase. Many do.
How to deal with it? Either stay and accept being treated in an abusive manner, or leave. I got trauma from mine from all the fuck up shit she did. Check the sub out… you will see everything they say in your girlfriend. Let me guess another one, walking on eggshells?
Have fun… 😬
So she was diagnosed with BPD? PTSD/CPTSD also has a lot of traits that overlap when dealing with self-regulation.
I left someone who was dealing with bipolar after two years — he stopped his medication and I couldn’t bear the brunt of his “healing” journey any longer
While such relationships take deep empathy and patience… your partner should be doing their part to do their work. One’s best always varies but the point is that over time she is putting in the work.
If she’s not working on it and going to therapy and making an effort to check her self destructive behaviours you should dip.
Seriously if she doesn’t fix it or put major effort the relationship will get toxic
Q: How much do you hate yourself? Because you have to be a masochist to date a woman with bpd. She will make your life a living hell. Dump her and move on.
I don’t recommend it, even if they’re actively combating it, eventually it will go poorly and when it does it’s no bueno.
I am gonna post two resources that I think you should see
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://outofthefog.website
But I guess my question is does it matter? Does the why make much of a difference if you are spending every day in hell? She is not capable of being in a healthy relationship. The why is irrelevant. The thing that matters is your safety and you are not safe with her. The honeymoon period is supposed to be happy and full of joy.
Is bpd borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder?
Buckle up buttercup, she is going to drive you to the limit of your mental endurance.
BPD is very serious and requires ongoing work and therapy to deal with the insecurity behind the disorder. I know people who have done the work and are able to have healthy relationships.
However, if your person is not doing the work and continues to tell you she “can’t help” her episodes and triggers things are not going to get better and quite frankly things can get pretty dangerous depending on how far she is willing to let her insecurities take her. At the end of the day, disorder or not, people are responsible for their own triggers and learning how to deal with them in a healthy way so they don’t take things out in their partners. If she is not willing to get help for herself I’m afraid you may be at a dead end with this relationship.
All of the things you mention are red flags and exactly what I dealt with when I was with my ex. My only advice is don’t date a mentally ill person who won’t willingly go to therapy. My ex went, but not willingly, so it did nothing for him.
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BPD patients are known to have a warped perception of self. In my exs case (and seemingly also your gfs), he was unable to think of anyone, but himself. Doing something for others was not something that would’ve ever crossed his mind. Any argument was about how he was hurt, unable to understand that others may also be hurt by the argument or the things he screams in his temper tantrums. this hot cold bs isnt worth it imo and I wouldn’t date someone with BPD ever again unless they’re succesfully in therapy.
I gave it six years, never again. Pretty much as you described just bail, it really isn’t worth it, and it will never change for the rest of your life. I would encourage you to bail, especially under the circumstances you described. It’s going to ruin your life and you’re only 22