So, I have a soft form of autism and I think that’s the reason why my dating life kind of sucks. You know, it literally effects the exact abilities that you need to appear attractive or even just interesting for others. I rarely feel like I want to hold eye contact with someone, sometimes it’s hard for me to get, what people want from me if they don’t just tell it straight and in addition I have the same difficulties that every shy person has.
Until about a year ago I wasn’t dating at all, then I gave online dating a try and within a year I met quite some women and had a few short “relationships”. However, they all ended after one or two months. When I didn’t even get to have dates, I was frustrated but for a different reason, now that I have dates then and again, at the age of 24, I’m frustrated, because most dates don’t lead anywhere. That really messes with my self esteem.
I don’t have an idea of what is the right time to induce body contact or when to increase it. That’s why I’m holding back too much, probably, most of the time. I’m always afraight that she might not like it. Also, body language does almost not exist for me. I don’t have a body language and reading the body language of my date is hard, sometimes impossible. In addition to that, I don’t really like gender roles. This is not a specific autism thing but among autistic people there are quite a lot of gender nonconforming people who don’t feel comfortable to play a certain gender role like acting dominant as a man. I happen to be attracted to women but I don’t feel like acting “masculine” for them in any way. Sadly, many people, regardless of gender, seem to really dig gender roles, especially when they are dating.
I’m writing this because I hope to get some advice. I want to get better and have more successful dates and enjoy my life at my young age at it’s fullest before maybe finding a partner for a longer time. One thing I don’t want to do is to simply learn some behaviours that are considered attractive and play them because that wouldn’t be authentic but maybe there are certain things that would be helpful to practise.
2 comments
I realize how weird this probably sounds, but I’m also autistic and it helped a lot that I learned shibari.
Explicitly asking about touching someone is considered polite instead of bizarre in the context of tying people up. Refusing to follow conventional gender roles is also a lot more normalized.
Wish I had some advice because I’m in a similar boat **and** have a phobia around touch with anyone I’m not already comfortable with. I’ve been completely attention starved for so long everything I do appears desperate making it impossible to gain self confidence.