I’ve struggled to get over this for years, but when I was a senior in high school (17-18), I briefly dated a freshman girl (14) I was on the track team with for about 8 weeks. During that time, we held hands and kissed a few times and had absolutely no sexual contact, especially given both of us were abstinent. I was personally waiting for marriage.
After those 8 weeks, I realized how terrible the age gap was and broke it off.
11 years later, I struggle to let these events go. I reached out to her to apologize last year, but she said there was nothing to apologize for and was sorry it didn’t work out.
Even still, I obsessively look for other stories about situations like this, like this state senator that impregnated a 14 year old girl and married her, and believe that everyone in the world would hate me and see me like this guy.
Other than these 8 weeks, I feel that I’ve lived an upstanding life, but I can’t move on from this.
tl;dr: had nonsexual relationship with a freshman as a senior in high school for 8 weeks, feel extreme regret and self loathing
10 comments
I think because you were in school at the same time, I wouldn’t consider this an entirely problematic situation.
You acknowledge that there was a dynamic but in the end, she has no openly negative feelings. Which means this self loathing is entirely self serving — why do you think you deserve to be punished?
It’s fine. you made a minor mistake, you stopped, you learned from it.
this obsessing is disproportionate
Just stop. You didn’t have sex with her and you need to stop hating yourself before it manifests itself into something worse. When I was in HS (80’s) there were a few freshmen that dated seniors and no one really batted an eye.
It’s creepy but it sounds like there was no harm done. 11 years is a long time to be obsessing over this. You can’t change the past. It’s time to move on.
Listen, you were both in high school with a 3/4 year age gap. You were in similar experience of life at the time. At 17/18 you’re still pretty much a kid and your level of maturity at the time plays a lot into that. My husband and I literally have the same age gap, and I got together with him when I graduated after “dating” a 32 year old my senior year. It’s okay, but I’ll give you a hand.
Here’s the thing you need to ask yourself to prove that you aren’t like the full grown adults going after children. I think it’ll help you.
Were you dating her specifically because she was younger than you? Were you dating her because you thought you could make her into the girl friend you wanted and not because of the person she was? If you liked her for who she was, her interests, the general romantic things about her… you aren’t a monster. Also, monsters don’t question whether or not they’re bad people. So, why would you compare yourself as someone was still pretty much a child to an old man,pedo?
We’ve reached a weird point where people are really trying to over adjust for the sins of the past and aren’t fully looking into logistics. There are absolutely seniors out there who shouldn’t be dating freshmen in high school, but the context and your feelings really matter in this.
You aren’t a bad person for being a teenager and liking another teenager in your school.
Hey OP this really isn’t inherently a creepy relationship. If you didn’t get with her because she was young and impressionable then I don’t see an issue. I feel like freshmen dating seniors may not be the norm but it’s certainly a thing that happens regularly and there isn’t always a stark power imbalance in the relationship. Reddit loves to shit on age gaps but they can be totally normal in relationships. My bestie started dating a senior when she was a freshman and now they’re happily married with two kids and have been together for almost two decades.
Look, you realize that its wrong and you did the right thing by ending it so quickly. At this point if you can’t get over it you’ll need therapy. You’re not a bad person, you just made a crappy choice as an older teen. You’re allowed to move on.
I think youre good man. Was it a mistake? Sure let’s say it was. Lots if people do suboptimal stuff in high school, especially with romantic partners. But whatever, you broke up
You’re hardly a middle-aged man having sex with a girl 30 years younger than yourself. Whenever there’s a huge age gap, where the senior person is old enough to be the younger person’s parent, or when the younger person is under-age and the senior person is an adult, it is rightly subject to ridicule. But that’s not what happened here.
You were only 3 to 4 years older than her and nothing sexual happened. While I can understand why it would have seemed pervy to you because you were in different physical stages of your lives, it’s nothing to feel guilty about. Looking back on it, she isn’t even upset over what happened.
It’s actually pretty common for seniors to go out with younger girls in high school. I remember a few seniors dating freshmen at my school.
Since you were 17 or 18 at the time, you were basically still a kid, making mistakes, and trying to figure out what is right for you. At that age, your brain was still developing and learning how to control impulses. So, in other words, you saw a cute girl, asked her out, then realized you made a mistake.
Look at the positives: you didn’t pressure her into having sex; you were both minors; there was a small age gap; you broke up when you felt uncomfortable; she feels okay about what happened.
TL;DR
I think it’s a bigger deal to you than anyone else. No damage was done. You were just a kid.
Look dude, you can’t beat yourself up forever. You did something shitty as a 17-18 year old for 8 weeks, realized it was shitty, and cut it off so that she wouldn’t get hurt. You were young, you didn’t understand at first because you had never been in/seen this situation. Once you realized, you did the right thing.
The people I see as creeps and low-lifes don’t realize this is creepy ever, or they realize and don’t care. They use the age gap to take advantage of the power imbalance. The fact that you realized and cut it off, and as a result she never got hurt, shows that your heart is in the right place. The fact that you feel remorse shows you aren’t a monster. Take this energy to do good in your life now.