I want to start this post by a quick disclaimer : my (24f) boyfriend’s (29m) weight is not an issue for me AT ALL, he’s the most handsome, nicest, cutest, loving being on this earth and I would never make him change to fit some personal preferences.
Now, the thing is, I know my bf is self conscious about it. He’s always struggled with his weight, and since we’ve been together (one and a half year) he put on a few kg (7-8kg, around 16pounds if I’m not mistaken) when he already considered himself quite plump to begin with. He would like to loose some weight, and talks about going back to the gym fairly often. I want to be supportive without making him feel like I, too, have a problem with his weight (which isn’t the case, I repeat) : having had myself really big issues with my weight end self image in the past, I know all too well that sometimes people’s « advice » can be quite hard to take when you already feel vulnerable.
But here’s the thing : bf talks a lot about going to the gym but doesn’t, for good and… less good reasons let’s say, and above that doesn’t change his eating habits at all. He can tell me that he wants to loose weight, and pounder on wether he’ll eat pizza or kfc for dinner a few hours later. Once again, I’m not judging him at all, I’m just wondering to what extent I can get involved in what I know is a very personal journey, so that he feels supported without thinking I don’t like his looks.
For now I’ve just made very, very slight comments like « we ate burgers last week, maybe we can wait another week to order takeout again ? », or in a jokingly manner like « aha, you must really like [this restaurant] [that food item] ! » and it works, sometimes.
I also reassure him on his looks every chance I get, first because I really freaking mean it, and second because I want him to feel safe if I ever give him my opinion on something. I just feel like, as he speaks about it with me so often, maybe he’s waiting for something from me ? I just don’t know if it’s reassurance or real advice/help.
Anyways, if some of you guys played a part in your SO weight loss, or witnessed them going through this, do you think I should do/say anything ? Other people input are obviously welcome too !
TL;DR : how can I (24f) be supportive to my bf (29m) who wants to loose weight without being out of line, making him feel bad, when he hasn’t begun his weight loss journey yet ?
3 comments
I think you should have a conversation about what “support” means to him.
I am a very independent person, so to me, “support” just means not giving me a hard time if I go to the gym at an inconvenient time or bugging to eat pizza when I’m happily ready to eat a salad. In other words – just a lack of sabotage. Personally, I don’t want someone commenting on my choices or “encouraging”/nagging or otherwise pushing me to do anything.
All that said – that’s ME. Some people enjoy having someone remind them to go to the gym, or offer to go with them, or offering healthy alternatives.
I don’t think “support” is universal. Understanding how your partner wants to receive “support” is helpful to understanding where the line is for them.
>I just feel like, as he speaks about it with me so often, maybe he’s waiting for something from me ?
I mean, there’s no much you can do other than support what he wants to do.
If he tells you he wants to lose weight, those are just words right. If he’s like, “hey lets go to the gym together” or “lets go on a walk/run” then its pretty easy for you to be supportive. But if hes just saying thing but not putting any of it into action, then you are kind of stuck either A. being naggy or B. waiting around figuring out how to help him.
The problem with his cycle is that when you declare things, regardless of whether its a weight issue or not, it puts pressure on you to do something. But some people also feel better about themselves just because they declare it.
But when you declare that you want to lose weight, and you actively do things that prevent that….you start to get depressed. And part of that is routine. If you get used to eating shit food, then thats what you’ll crave. Addictions come in many forms.
Ultimately, if he keeps saying things and then not doing anything…it’ll continue to spiral. So then the question is, is it your responsibility to stop the spiraling? If you feel it is and you believe its for the best…you’re going to have to have some tough conversations with him. Protecting him too much may ultimately be detrimental.
I would say something like
“I want to be supportive with your diet and weight loss plans, but when you say X or eat Y it makes me feel like you’re not bothered anymore, and I’m torn between agreeing with your unhealthy choices, and saying something to hopefully make you reconsider.
So I need to know: how can I best help you? Do you want me to bring it up whenever you want to eat something unhealthy? Or would you rather I said nothing?”