I don’t have a lot of friends and in general this area has always been a sore spot as unless I’m forced to see people day in day out, I struggle to maintain relationships. Not for lack of trying, but after a candid conversation with a friend today I think I’ve finally worked out the problem.

This is a good friend I met at my current work place, and over the past year we’ve become very close. She’s very into counselling and initiates a lot of deep conversations so we do talk about each others mental health and problems in life etc etc. I’ve never met anyone who is actually interested in these things about me. I’m so used to any “issues” like mental health or personal problems being bothersome. And this is kind of where the problem is it turns out.

We’ve talked about how I can be inconsistent with how I interact with people. One moment I’m all in, next I’m radio silence. From my perspective I’m trying to navigate a big wide world and social interactions and not make an idiot of myself by over stepping or alternatively looking miserable and not joining in. I’m treating it like a delicate operation and only seeing it from my point of view.

My friend has told me her point of view today and I’ve hurt her by acting like this. She’s plainly said “I can celebrate all the good with you, and help you in the bad, but when it comes to every day normal friendship you make it such hard work”

And it occurred to me that I only interact with people when I have a reason. Not out of selfishness, but because I feel like I need to have a valid reason to engage so that I’m not bothering them with my presence more than they need to be. What’s stopping me in all my relationships and friendships is my lack of everyday friendship consistency. Just hanging out. Even though I want this more than anything, I’m just too anxious or over analysing it to create that relationship.

It’s eye opening but sadly the revelation has come at the loss of a friendship. I don’t know what to do about it at the moment. But it’s good to have the revelation.

Thought it might prove useful for others if they struggle to see how you’re pushing people away.

10 comments

  1. Damn, what a good conversation and indeed a well-meaning friend. Why has the revelation come at the loss of a friendship? What happened? Because from where I’m standing, she told you in a pretty fair tone how she sees things and now it’s up to you to take her advice and do something with it, no?

  2. I’m worried I might be the same. When people ask about new things in my life I tend to not look at the more random things like I went on a hike, or I did this slightly different thing at work today, and just reply, “not much has changed”. I feel that some people see me has going stagnant in my life.

  3. Basically, it’s your self esteem that is holding you back. You’re not fully engaging because you think that they don’t want your attention but you actually do. It’s great that you are accepting her advice. Now you can use her advice to guide you in maintaining other friendships. Side note: I completely understand how people are afraid to talk about mental health and I wish we all did it more. Send me a message if you ever want someone to have a deep conversation with. I only have one or two people that are willing to have deep conversations.

  4. I’m glad you’re making progress. Honestly the best way to meet people in your life is to be natural, don’t rush or push anything. Also sometimes all you need is that one good friend.

  5. This may be the most important thing for me that I’ve heard this whole year. I really need to think about where I do this (I have a gut feeling that this is a huge issue in my social life) and start changing it.

    Thanks for sharing this great insight!

  6. Fuck me this resonates

    Thanks for the post.

    I totally lack the ability of maintaining friendships but have always been good at first impressions, it just goes down hill from there.

  7. In the past I’ve sensed that all my friends tend to get annoyed when I share everyday things in my life, and they never reciprocate. Looking back at my closest friendships it’s been mostly me talking about everyday things while my friend just responds but never shares their own. In the end I figure no one gives a crap about details of my life so I keep it to myself.

    I’m not sure why it is maybe it’s an age thing, when I was a teenager my friends and I shared miniscule details about our daily life, nowadays in my late 20s my friends and I don’t talk for a long time and then “catch up” a few times a year.

  9. I also do this with all but the closest people. And because of some of those people’s issues some are kind of on the border, as well. And then I had a kid and it got even harder cause I was so often distracted! But yeah, especially hard with new almost-close friends.

  10. Same here , but I just don’t get what people talk about all the time , if there’s no reason I’m lost . And if we’re gonna hang out an do nothing I’d rather do nothing alone.

    So what’s the step forward from here

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