This will be a weird take so don’t bully me.
I always have had a vivid imagination and liked to see the bigger perspective of sex, this gave me more fascination of gay/lesbian sex because of the “taboo factor behind it” and usually the times when I’ve really got aroused is when reading or seeing something that hinting towards gay couples getting at it.
My(M27) problem in my relationship is that I’m not exited by the idea of being with my partner(F25) because I feel like I view our intimacy from a general perspective and that level of intimacy I’m seeing is not giving me feeling of excitement or intenseness and honestly it’s just bland. On top of this my partner admit she kind of understood what I meant since she admit she is also more aroused by watching lesbian porn if she had to choose stimuli solely from a screen. This kind of validates my concern and make me feel even less desired, I’ve been trying to morph my view of female/male intimacy by trying to integrate ideas and elements that could make it seem novel and intriguing. Like for example trying to incorporate new positions or vary the environments, but it all still ends up feeling basic.
I’ve always been a perfectionist and if I can’t perceive my level of being desired or the intimacy I’m brining to the table as the most intriguing thing I don’t really want to partake.
I’m writing this post since it has come to a point where my partner is getting emotionally hurt and confused over why I’m not showing much desire in her anymore. I’m still passionate about my career so I feel fulfilled about life but I’m scared I’m damaging my relationship. Any advice or someone that has had a similar view on it?
4 comments
It seems like you and your partner have a lot of work to do on your own individual sexuality. If you are both aroused by same-sex porn, you may be less straight than you think you are. And that’s ok. Being bisexual, for example, doesn’t mean you are attracted to every dude and every girl on the street. There are countless types of attraction. Going to a counselor might help you to identify your needs, which are clearly not being met.
If you just want to make your sex life a bit spicier, there are lots of ways to do that beyond changing positions. Have you considered pegging? A Bit of BDSM? Prostate play? Hot wax? Maybe some sex furniture? Something as simple as handcuffs may satisfy your desires for something a bit more taboo.
Hey… Unpopular opinion, but, there are some people who are largely straight, but desire some sexual experiences with the same sex (independently of romanticism). That’s why the LGBTQ community has differentiating labels for sexual and romantic attraction. You can be largely attracted to opposite sex while having an occasional appetite for same sex.
I guarantee you, there are men (for you) and women (for your partner) who desire occasional gay sex without relational strings attached. If you pursue this, just communicate clearly what you want and you’ll find a way.
>I’ve always been a perfectionist and if I can’t perceive my level of being desired or the intimacy I’m brining to the table as the most intriguing thing I don’t really want to partake.
I’m not sure the two things are related, BUT, holy shit I’m the exact same way on both counts.
For what it’s worth, I’m also bi. But I didn’t really realize that until I was in my late thirties.
I think there’s often a “grass is greener” effect amongst straight people as homosexuality has become more accepted. There is a tendency to think one’s problems may be solved because “I would get along so much better with a [gender] partner”, but the reality is that gay relationships have ALL the same problems.
Communication, incompatibility, lack of chemistry, bad sex, selfishness, power imbalance, and worse…abuse, neglect and even assault and rape. And the social resources available aren’t necessarily well equipped to deal with those problems. How often, really, do you ever hear about sexual assaults that happen that are between two non-straight people. Do you really think there’s virtually no victims there? Plus, you can never escape from the discrimination against LGBTQ+ people that still exists, and the inevitably smaller community that kind of causes an escalated level of interpersonal drama.
My advice would always be to follow your heart (inevitably your mind), but to realize there is nothing “easier” about a gay relationship.