So I broke up with my boyfriend back in January. When our relationship was good, it was really good, but when it was bad, it was awful. I felt that he didn’t really love or respect me. So I finally ended it and didn’t talk to him for about 6 weeks. He kept texting, calling, emailing me through that time, most of which I ignored or just told him to stop contacting me. Finally in March I agreed to talk to him. He told me how much he learned, how much he loves me and how he wants to get back together. I gave him an earful for about 8 hours about how I don’t believe him after all of the sh\*t he had put me through, that’s not love. He was pouring his heart out to me and I told him that I could \*try\* to be friends with him and let him earn me back.
A few days later he received a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. Ugh… So at that point, everything shifted. I was still angry and cautious, but damn, I tried to put my negative feelings aside and be there for him as a friend.
Over the past month he messages me throughout the day and wants to video with me almost every night. (We are long distance). He’s still telling me that I have his undying love, that he wants to see me (me come there, which I’m not doing), that he’s going to beat this cancer and he wants for us to move forward with all of the plans we made together when he’s done with his treatments. Overall it’s been pretty good- as long as I keep my heart to myself and continue to move forward with my life. We are good as friends, and I tell him that we are just friends and that I’m going to be dating, but I feel like he’s trying to keep me on the hook.
So this has been hard enough to keep my heart and head right with this constant communication. But additionally a few things have happened that make me go huh? Like the 12 photo picture frame I gave him for Christmas- some pics were of his kids and some were of us. I noticed that he took our photos out of it, after specifically telling me he wasn’t going to do that- is that the action of a man in love trying to get me back? I say no.
We broke up for a week back in October and he told me that he hooked up with another woman during that time. Later he told me that he never hooked up with her so he didn’t know why he would say that. I’ve seen the online flirtations they’ve had and he tells me that he’s just being nice, that she’s insignificant and that he would unfriend her if I would just stop talking about it. I’ve been very clear that his flirtations with this woman is not acceptable to me. This has been an issue. Yesterday I noticed that he’s still liking on public posts she makes to public groups- which feels like a slap in the face.
So now, I haven’t responded to his messages since last night. On the one hand we’re friends, I can be friends with him and he can do whatever he wants. I can support him through his sickness as a friend, and I feel obligated to do so since he really has nobody else. No family, no close friends… just me. And in all seriousness, stage 4 cancer is no joke, he might die. And I do genuinely enjoy his company.
On the other hand, I feel lied to and manipulated. I feel that he’s still trying to keep my energy and heart with him, while not respecting me, my feelings or his word. (Which is how I felt a lot during the relationship) He just keeps talking to me and contacting me as if we’re together. Is he keeping me around as an emotional support pillow? Because he literally has nobody else? Saying what he thinks I want to hear to keep me here? And at what cost to me? I am moving on with my life, but I’m still feeling emotionally wrapped up with him enough that this is affecting me.
I don’t know how to feel or what to do.
2 comments
So….he lied to you repeatedly, including saying he was with another woman and then saying he wasn’t…but you believe him when he says he has stage 4 cancer??
Move on with your life. He doesn’t need you as his only friend no matter what his condition. You felt obligated but in reality you are broken up and you need to move on with your life whether he lives his or dies tomorrow.
You didn’t feel loved and respected and you decided that lack of respect was enough to end your relationship. So it doesn’t sound like he was a good partner or friend to you. Then you say he slept with other women immediately while openly lying to you about this undying love for you that *does not exist*, it didn’t then and it doesn’t now. That he now denies the sex… and the lies have several layers at this point. Doesn’t sound like friendly behavior to lie to your face and manipulate your affection for his betterment.
But he’s afraid that he’ll die alone so he’ll do anything to drag you into his tragedy and be his crutch. Don’t.
Tell him the breakup was painful and you need time and space. If he’s still around when you’ve moved on and healed (either alive or engaged to the other girl, who knows what craziness the future will bring) you can put some energy into a friendship with him. Because while he does not sound like a quality person, he also doesn’t need to be strung along by someone he’s romantically interested in that is just going through the motions and doesn’t love him either. Unless you’re both into that delusion but that’s… whack.
But you say you’re not over it and this is hurting you and him being diagnosed after your relationship ended is really hard for you both, but even most best friends don’t talk all day every day and so he’s really asking you to be his girlfriend in level of attention and commitment. This guy was never a quality friend if you dumped him for disrespectful behavior. People with cancer don’t get a magic free pass for all they’ve done when you find out you have cancer.