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sorry i have no advice, just wanted to say that i’m literally going thru the same, and it was sadly reassuring to know that im not the only one like this.
i had that mindset once. and i asked a person who seemed like they hated me if they DID hate me. and you know what they said? they said they barely know me why would they hate me? idk what im trying to say other than it “calmed” me down.
the “calmed” down part isn’t an insult btw
There are two basic paths here. One is, treat what is probably anxiety and worth checking for OCD since it seems like there’s a compulsive element. Treatment includes lifestyle changes, not only/necessarily medication.
The other one is improve basic wellbeing & health. Eat well, sleep well, fill your social bucket at least a little bit with relatively easy options, etc.