48(m) I don’t consider myself straight, since I am totally OK with people who identify as women regardless of their birth assignments.
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Three years after a difficult divorce, of a 20 year relationship, I am trying to reach out and have sexual connections with others. I would describe myself as having a massage fetish. Which means, that I enjoy massaging my partner, and bringing them to orgasm (hopefully) multiple times.
Some of this is about control, and also about me trying to feel good about my abilities as a lover. (my ex partner cheated on me multiple times, and that has made me feel like I could never please her)((which I also understand is not true, but that insecurity is still there))
I am not opposed to sex, or mutual pleasure, but one friend told me that I am in to “Partner worship.” Which makes sense, given that I could become so aroused that I could orgasm, just pleasing another.
Here’s my big problem.
I have now connected with three different women I met online, but they all took issue with my SafeWord being “no.“
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i’m just not there yet, especially with a stranger that I don’t know. I am not judging them, and I can imagine a scenario where they could say no, but we have a different SafeWord, after we have developed a level of trust and understanding of each other. Given that my fetish is very much about pleasing the other person, that sounds exciting if I know it’s what they want. But I’m not in a place where I am comfortable doing that with a stranger.
I think it’s OK, that I want these boundaries until I can trust a person more. But, I’m also concerned that maybe I need to address this in my self before I should reach out to the fetish community.
Honestly, I am comfortable with the boundary I’m setting right now for me to explore this community. But, I am totally open to hearing what I need to work on so that I can be more comfortable with the other scenarios that the women I have met want.
Again, there is no judgment here at all, I just don’t feel safe, as a bio male in his late 40s, having a first interaction with a woman where “no” is not the SafeWord.
Do I need to change something? Is there a community that I should connect with? is it OK that these are my boundaries right now, and that I should look for partners who respect them?
7 comments
No
No is the standard safeword!
However, for kinky reasons, some people want the No to be a word they can use for kink purposes without it meaning that play must stop.
In those cases, choosing No as a safeword can be a mood/play killer.
Have fun!
Unless it is discussed with a sexual partner before hand “no” is a safeword. And if you’re uncomfortable with “no” being used within a kink/playful manner that is also totally fine, not everyone is comfortable with using “no” to not mean “no, stop, not comfortable doing that”. I’m sorry to hear that the woman you have reached out to so far have not fully considered your comfort level in that scenario.
No is an ‘absolute’ type of word. It works for sure.
I suggest the light system. You know the trafic light system.
Green – all good, good to go, hells yeah, i like where this is going.
Amber – slow down, take it easy, be careful, reasure and affirm,
Red – Stop!!! And apply aftercare measures if needed.
“No” is the default safeword. Or “stop”. Or “ow get that out of my ass you fucking asshole that hurts”
You only replace it if you are likely to say no or stop or ow that hurts when you don’t mean it.
“No” means no unless previously discussed. It’s the default safeword.
However, if you’re discussing these things ahead of time, I think that “no” is too short and easy to mishear in the middle of things. You might hear an “Ohh” and think you missed the start of “No.”
Picking something unique that will stick out makes it extremely difficult to misinterpret or hear. I was playing with a couple a few months ago, and the woman used her safe word. We actually hadn’t discussed her she word prior to that (previous hookups were pretty mild), but hearing her say “pineapple” was a pretty clear indication that it had to be some kind of safeword.
Of course it is, it’s the default safe word however some acts such as roleplay may require you to say no to keep with the theme which means you need an alternate word that won’t conflict and or be ignored so hence why people go for words that don’t connect so that when the person hears it their brain knows to stop what they’re doing