Asking for advice on how to handle this kind of silly situation.
Basically, my birthday is in a few days and my boyfriend of one year gifted me a smart watch since he was getting himself one and so that we could keep track of our health better.
I’ve never been big on working out, much less in a public gym because of anxiety that I deal with, and he knows this.
But lately, with the purchase of the watches, he’s been big into working out, so he’s been pushing me to join him in fitness classes at our local gym. So I push it off whenever he asks me to come. But I told him I would gladly join him on other physical activities such as walks/runs or play sports with him.
Well today he got angry with me because I chose not to join him in a class again, so he told me he regrets buying me the watch, said the reason for purchasing it was so that it would motivate me to workout more. He said he’s disappointed with me and that he has to stop setting expectations because he’s going to be let down every time.
He left me feeling guilty over it. I told him we could return it but he said that’s not good etiquette. What do I do? He’s not speaking to me at the moment.
Tl;Dr – Boyfriend is upset that I’m not using his gift, a smart watch, to workout in the gym as he expected. So he told me he’s disappointed and should stop setting expectations because he’s going to be let down everytime.
50 comments
Yes, he needs to stop setting unreasonable expectations of you. He also needs to stop buying gifts with the intention of manipulating or guilting you into doing what he wants and you already said you do not want to do. When he starts speaking to you again, you can ask him to apologize for how he treated you, and see if he does so and whether the relationship is worth continuing.
So you’re 20….he’s 27. And he’s acting like the 20 year old.
Seems like a maturity problem.
>Boyfriend is upset that I’m not using his gift, a smart watch, to workout in the gym as he expected.
So he didn’t really give you a *gift*, he gave you an *obligation*.
Is it possibly a covert gift, because he thinks that with the fitness tracker, you’ll workout more and lose a few lbs?
“Happy birthday! Here is a gift that you didn’t want and didn’t ask for. It’s not what YOU want, but rather what *I* want you to have to motivate you to do something you don’t want to do! And if you don’t do that thing you never said you wanted to do MY way, I’m going to throw a tantrum!”
Or
“Happy bday! Please lose weight!”
I mean… this is basically what he did. He’s a jerk. A jerk who owes you a bday present. Something YOU want. And it should come with a piece of cake. Seriously.
So, he didn’t really give you a gift but an obligation to work out with him?
Guess the watch is saying time to move on.
Buy him a gift of a vacuum cleaner and a toilet scrub brush and ask him if he’s going to live up to your expectations.
But seriously, be grateful that he’s exposed this unsavory side of his personality before you you move further along in the relationship. When someone tells/shows you who they really are, like your boyfriend has done with this “gift”, you should absolutely believe them.
You are pretty young to be settling for someone who tries to manipulate you for any reason, 7 billion other humans on the planet, just move on while you still have time.
A gift is given with an open hand. What your bf gave you wasn’t a gift, but an extension of his wishes.
Ew. He got the watch because he wants you to lose weight. I’m almost surprised you can’t see how transparent this was, but you’re 20, so don’t feel bad. This was a manipulative and controlling “gift”.
This can not be the first time hes bought you something and acted like this. Think about the last year with him and see if there are other times he made you feel bad over nothing
Yeah bf trippin. I say sell the watch
Someone who gets angry and gives you the silent treatment when you offer a reasonable compromise does not have a healthy or mature ability to communicate. The gift was not a gift for you, it was a gift for him that you wear. Reconsider this one.
tell him to wear one on each wrist so he can meet his own expectations
Your boyfriend has unreasonable expectations. You have anxiety around people and working out in front of people. His expectation is that if he gives you a smart watch you’ll be obliged to fulfill his request to work out with him at the gym. He totally disregarded your anxiety and boundaries. It’s not like you don’t workout period, it’s because you don’t work out the way he wants you to.
Regardless of the reasoning this can be construed as a control behavior.
Fancy gifts doesn’t cure anxiety. Listening and working within people’s boundaries to help them overcome anxiety does. It might be a concern that he believes that if he buys you something you owe him something in return.
Think about if you want to deal with this type of behavior long term and/or if he is capable of respecting your wants and needs. Then make your decision about this relationship from there.
NTA. Keep the watch enjoy some walks. It’s fun to see how many steps you get and you’ll sort of organically pick up on ways to improve health without it being an anxiety-inducing thing. Ditch the boyfriend who is trying to get you to be someone you’re not and then making you feel guilty over being who you are.
My whole immediate family is like your BF. They give gifts and then babysit how/when you use it. Even when they are going to throw something away and give it to me instead, they will text me just to ask if I still have it. I can’t tell you why exactly, because I’m not mental health professional, but I can tell you this type of behavior is controlling and toxic AF. I literally cannot accept anything from them, because then they try to exert some type of control overvthevthing and me. You’re young, it’s not silly, put up a hard boundary. Once a gift leaves the givers hands, they have absolutely no say how you use it or if you keep it.
How has no one mentioned the problematic age gap lmao. Stop dating this weirdo
He doesn’t understand what does mean NO, and it is not your fault. It is just his personality. He is trying to make you feel guilty. But you had not done anything wrong. Why should you feel guilty ? It is just manipulation. He want you do what he want. He doesn’t care what you want and what you feel.
I don’t think you will be happy with him. You should give these ‘watch’ back to him. Or at least just dont use/wear them. Show him, you don’t need this shit (you actually don’t need it). Deal with him the same way he deals with you.
But the best solution is to break up with him.
Your BF is a manipulative jerk. Keep the watch. Lose the BF
This is all pure manipulation and control from start to finish. This is not a silly situation at all, in fact, this points to much more trouble ahead.
Yeah – that doesn’t sound healthy. It sounds like he is looking to control you.
Red flags
Your boyfriend sounds controlling and the “gift” sounds like it’s more for him than for you. I’d just give it back.
How manipulative and controlling. :/ fuck that.
That’s not a gift my dear a gift shouldn’t be conditional… that’s self interest to me
*that he has to stop setting expectations*
Yes, he has to stop setting expectations, because you are not his student or a craft project or a puppy he’s trying to potty-train. Why can’t he respect that you don’t want to go to a gym? You don’t answer to him.
If he’s not speaking to you, take advantage of the momentary pause in his recitations of your oh so many faults and block him, ghost him, and quit engaging with this fool.
That’s not how gifts work.
My husband bought me a VR headset so that I could play beat saber as a way of working out instead of being sedentary. (This was something I said I wanted to do, but the headset was too expensive for me to justify it)
It’s currently not in much use and he did not get upset with me: he said that if it doesn’t fit my needs, then it’s cool. He will just have a second headset to play with when he travels to come and see me.
There was no obligation for me to play with it if I didn’t wish to.
Oh honey, he’s trying to keep track of you. Wherever your watch is, you are.
You need to give him the watch back and break up. He didn’t give you the watch as a gift to make you happy. He gave it to you to make you into something that makes him happy.
Yeah there’s more to this. He isn’t happy with you not working out and wants to control you to change you.
There are a lot of fit and healthy people who never step foot in a gym. Not only is your bf rude, he’s got a completely asinine and arbitrary understanding of health
Your boyfriend is dating a woman so much younger then him cause his maturity level isnt high enough for women his age.
Sorry to say but you shouldnt be wasting your early 20s with an asshat who is angry over something so small. You have a lot o f life to live and he has a lot of growing up to do.
Please do not settle for less then you are worth.
I would give the gift back and tell him it was a poor gift in the first place. Gifts are to be for the person you give them to, not for yourself.
random tidbit, my entire life, for mothers day and my moms birthday, my dad has gotten her gifts that he wanted in the house. Balloons, a new dvd player, and xbox, etc. he’d throw in chocolate covered strawberries which my mom loves, but everything else would be for him. My mom, had lived with him for 35 years, and is sitting next to me one night and said “your dad is so hard to buy for. I have never known what he wants” I laughed, thinking she was joking. “Well good thing he’s going to get it on your birthday, then.” She blinked and asked me what I was talking about. I said “mom, you hate balloons, and do you really think dad thought you wanted the xbox he plays on every day for mother’s day?” my mom’s jaw dropped. I said “Mom, I think you need to start with a bouquet of balloons, and look online to find the newest technology of game playing.” and its now been 4 years of succesful gift giving in my parent’s 39 year marriage.
Well his behavior is flat out unacceptable.
Two ways to look at this.
Grown ass man gives you a gift then goes wah wah wah “your not using it right”
Or
Grown ass man asks you to do X but you don’t want to. you say no I’d rather do Y or Z and he goes wah wah wah “you’re not doing what I want”
I’d say explore some of the other features of the watch to make him feel better about the gift but I don’t think he actually cares about that. If I was you I’d read him the riot act saying you don’t appreciate his attempt to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. If he sees the errors of his ways then fine, if he doesn’t I’d seriously question what kind of long term partner he would be
Girl, he got you the watch to manipulate you into losing weight… and/or he wants a young trophy on his arm when he’s working out.
The watch is your accessory, and you’re his.
You can decide for yourself if you want to continue down this path, but you seem like a smart woman. Your elders have faith in you 🫶
That is a lot of red flags there.
He sounds like he’s gaslighting you and guilting you to do something you don’t want to.
People who love you do NOT act this way.
It almost sounds like he has an issue with your body
Girl, I’m sorry, but his ass if with you because a 27 year old woman would’ve told him to fuck off long ago and he thinks younger = easy to use. Prove him wrong!
I’d give that watch straight back and tell him to reclaim as much money as he can.
Dump him, he’s too old for you and too controlling
Yeah sounds like manipulation. You should set him straight.
He’s 27 and giving the silent treatment over something he caused himself. Talk about emotional maturity.
Harassing someone about how they use a gift is not good etiquette!
This reminds me of the time my sister was upset that I didn’t use the cake decorating kit that she got me. I have famously never liked cake or icing. She thought I would make cakes for other people. I returned it and I let her be upset, and then she got over it. We were both adults and sometimes you can buy a thoughtful gift and the recipient doesn’t like it or can’t use it. That’s life. You boyfriend needs to grow up. Let him pout over it if he wants and don’t try to placate him.
He can be disappointed that you aren’t going to the gym together, but harassing you about it and pouting are childish. And if he doesn’t get over it soon, I’d consider whether it’s worth dating him because by 27, he shouldn’t be throwing toddler-style temper tantrums.
Are you sure that’s a bf and not a PE instructor?
> He said he’s disappointed with me and that he has to stop setting expectations because he’s going to be let down every time.
He’s right about the first part.
> I told him we could return it but he said that’s not good etiquette.
He got you a gift, it’s yours now. If you don’t like it then return it.
He’s stonewalling too. In summary he’s an asshole.
That’s not a birthday gift, that is a birthday obligation.
Next 5 birthdays (if you guys last that long, given his behaviour) gift him a high-end dishwashing brush, high-end laundry detergent, perhaps a number of self help books that may help him be less pushy.
And then treat all of these gifts as obligations to do the dishes, laundry and to be a better partner.
Definitely don’t let him bully you into doing things you don’t want to do. Communicate this as well. Tell him you are not open to being pushed into exercise. That this is a decision you will make for yourself. Just like all your other decisions.
I’m older than you, so I have much less patience than I did at 20, and don’t tolerate certain behaviors/actions after some very manipulative girlfriends. This is what I would do based on my own experiences.
I would give the watch back. I would say “Thanks for the gift, but this isn’t really a gift, it’s an expectation of something you want me to do that I am not interested in doing. That’s not a gift. I appreciate it, but it’s not for me.” I might even add “You like going to the gym, and I don’t, and it should be ok for me to have different likes and dislikes.” and I’d leave it at that. Like I said, I tolerate much less bullshit after several miserable, manipulative relationships.
It’ll cause a fight, hopefully not… but since he’s being a fucking cry baby and gives you the silent treatment it probably will. He sounds incredibly immature for 27. If he continues to act like a child over it… you might have some thinking to do about this relationship.
Ok let this sink in…..a 27 year old man is not talking to you because you aren’t using the gift he gave you “the right way”. Re-read that sentence and then ask yourself, is this a healthy relationship?
An ex’s mother once gave me a $200 Amazon gift card. I used it to buy myself a nice set of gel pens and a really nice cage for my sugar gliders. The amount of grief I got for buying the cage was insane. I stopped accepting ANYTHING from her. If gifts come with strings, they aren’t gifts, they are tools to try to control you!
The only advice I have is to stop accepting gifts or to ask questions to see what strings are attached before accepting the gift to ensure you are willing to deal with the “contract” that is made upon accepting it.
Shocking that a 27 year old man who wants to date a 19 year old would be controlling and use gifts to manipulate you.
This entire post is full of red flags. Your boyfriend is not a good person.