I (F 22) am married to a man (23) that apparently needs a mom and a maid instead of a wife, we started dating almost 6 years ago, we’ve been living together for 4 years and married for 2 out of those 4 years. I need to do the cleaning because he won’t do it himself, otherwise the apartment will stay a mess for weeks, I do every paperwork or documentation he needs, I do the appointment scheduling and I also work full time (most of the times I work overtime) so I pay half of the bills.
I’m so unhappy with my life, I’m at the point where I decided to divorce this man, but to do that I have to wait a few months while I save money to find my own place, also I need to finish my school before I do that. This person is costing me my mental health and my time, I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for a while, and coming home to a whole mess just makes it worse.
My question here is….. How do I make this man understand that he needs to help me around the house? And what steps do you guys recommend to help me achieve that? I’m already trying to put some boundaries but it’s hard to do it after so many years of dealing with the same thing.
11 comments
Does he actually not understand that taking care of the house is also his job? Because it sounds like he just doesn’t care that you’re overwhelmed.
Start deducting the cost of the unpaid labor of housecleaning,book keeping from your share of the bills. Give him an itemized receipt.
Honestly, show him this post and the comments. Here you’ve clearly outlined what your problems are, how it all makes you feel, and people’s reactions to how he is. If he still can’t see that he needs to step up, you need to follow through and get a divorce.
Send him this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
And google “weaponized incompetence”
Stop doing his laundry. Stop cleaning up after him. Stop cooking for him. Do your own thing.
And book some couples counseling.
It’s a shame you two married so young and with these issues in play all along.
Do you want to salvage the relationship? If so, you tell him as calmly as you can muster that you feel that you’ve shouldered most of the things around the house and that you feel exhausted and you’d like him to contribute to taking care of the chores, scheduling, etc. That you need his help. If he still isn’t interested and you still want to save it, ask him for couples therapy and explain that you really haven’t found a fruitful way to discuss your issues with him without professional help. And that if you don’t get help, you don’t think this marriage can continue functioning the way it has been. If he won’t go to therapy, your marriage is over because you cannot be married to someone who doesn’t believe in fighting for the relationship or doesnt believe in putting in his 100% effort.
Most people say marriages/relationships are 50/50. My therapist has always said it’s 100/100. If both people are doing as much as they both can, we can’t question their effort if it’s all they can give. It honestly sounds like this guy isn’t even at 50.
Most men only grow the fuck up after their first wife leaves them for this reason. You can’t change him.
Why don’t you show him this post? If that doesn’t get through to him, nothing will
He needs to experience the uncomfortable consequences of his irresponsible behavior. Set your boundaries, be clear about them and continue to take ownership of your own life. It’s hard to end a marriage but you are sacrificing your own well being and suffering for it.
Tell him he’s responsible for his own laundry, food, appointments, and then stick to it. Only do as much cleaning as you can while prioritizing getting out. The house may get messy for a few months, but that’s ok. Your focus is leaving.
You make him understand by packing your stuff and leaving this man-child.
Listen, you’ve been together since you were young teenagers and he went from his Mom’s house to your house and why would the think anything changes especially when you “took over” for Mom (probably more unconsciously, not on purpose because you wanted to be a good wife)?
You are way too young to be stuck in this situation, you need someone that’s on eye-level with you and share everything 50/50…. send him back to his Mom.
Oh dear… he absolutely understands. This is not him not understanding. No amount of explanation is needed because he very much knows what the issue is, and HE is very happy with the arrangement. I’ve been reading your comments and responses to other people, and from all that you said, for me is very clear that:
1) He is sufficiently informed that he’s not pulling his weight
2) He doesn’t care and will not change a thing about what he’s doing
3) He is very happy to have a maid/assistant that he doesn’t have to pay for. He greatly benefits from it, for him is all win
4) He’s aware that you’re unhappy, you sufficiently explained it to him. He just doesn’t care. He does not care about your happiness. He can’t do the basic thing required when you really love a person, which is caring about their happiness. For him? Nah he’s good. Nothing to change here from his perspective, since it’s all benefit for him.
5) He has no respect for you
Don’t waste your words. He knows. Save money to get away from him, put it in a safe account that he doesn’t have access to. Also start doing less for him. Don’t even engage, don’t nag, that’s wasted energy. He won’t do the stuff around the house, he just won’t. As for yourself do the bare minimum. Don’t do his paperwork, don’t get appointments for him, if he asks tell him “yeah, later” and just don’t do it. When he asks again tell him “yeah, later” on repeat. Or if you want to be petty, tell him, “sure, after you leave the kitchen and bathroom spotless I will”. And meanwhile keep saving. You know that you won’t stay in this situation forever, having a clear end in mind will help with your mental health and will keep you strong to finish school and save enough to leave. That’s why I tell you to keep your energy and just don’t argue with him, accept that he just doesn’t care, and mentally check out of the relationship. Arguing takes a lot of energy that you need to focus somewhere else.