Me and my gf are both 32 years old. We started dating a little over a year ago and have a pretty healthy relationship. She is the best relationship I have ever had and could see myself marrying this women. Only problem is she is very kinky.
For some explanation me and her do have the same body count which is 3. All of my former partners were long term and same for her. To clarify, this girls is the best sex I have ever had hands down, no debate. She knows what she is doing. However, her first boyfriend, for which was a long time (I think she said 14 to 26) was interesting to say the least. They clicked apparently very well sexually. They were both kinky. I mean we are talking very rough BDSM like sex. Whips, chocking, oral, pegging, anal, slapping, roleplay, CNC, etc. I mean they literally did everything. He even would wear makeup and outfits and do role reversal she told me. Now many of you will ask why did she tell me this? Well she brought wanting to try kinkier stuff and I asked why does she want to that. Well that opened the can of worms that lead to everything coming out. She even said that he was the biggest she has even been with. I felt hurt by that comment as didn’t need to know. She stated that yes he was biggest but size doesn’t matter to her. She says she is very sensitive and size doesn’t make it any better for her. Although, she was guilty in saying that she liked that fact that he did have one, even though she couldn’t take it. I asked her why you two aren’t still together. She said that they had different long term goals. He wanted to be childless and have fun and travel. Where as she wanted to settle down and have kids (he is now married). She was honest and said that she knows here clock is ticking and wants to settle down with someone she loves and that is why she brought this up. Even though she wants to settle down, she doesn’t want to be unsatisfied. I told her I would think about it and she said that is fine but, to let her know soon because if not she needs to know so that we can both move on. She told me she loves me and loves everything about me, but she has to have this for a relationship to be fulfilling for her.
To clarify I am not very kinky and would be seen by many as vanilla. I don’t mind some stuff but just not to that capacity. Like oral for example, I don’t mind doing oral but I am not huge into it, she can give oral for long period of time and enjoys it. I will do oral for a few mins and then I am done. Her ex apparently did oral on her for as long as she wanted it (another thing she brought up when I asked).
I just don’t know what to do. I love this girl and we get along in everything else. She is sweet, kind, hardworking, smart, funny, everything. But I just don’t know if I can keep up with her sexually. She said that I have to be into it and if I am not that is fine, but we need to separate. So reddit, do I try to be more kinky, or do I tell her to move on without me?
Update:
Well it doesn’t matter now. She broke up with me. She called and said she realized that I am just not into that stuff and that it isn’t fair for her to push me. She wished me luck and said goodbye. So, I guess she broke up with me. This sucks.
27 comments
Break up.
In the gentlest way possible, engaging in this stuff for you is going to be an effort and an energy drain that you will not be able to sustain and sex will become work.
I’m a high libido super kinky guy. I date women like her because, like her, I want to be satisfied. My partner and her would get along well, its a matter of energy matching like, engaging in all this stuff is not something that is a drain or is performative, its very much my life and lifestyle as well.
We get her side coming into places like /r/bdsmadvice alot asking what to do because their vanilla partner isn’t cutting it, and she’ll get told what I’m telling you. End it, find someone more compatible. You’re not into this like she needs. She’s hoping you could like find it in yourself to get into it. I can tell from how you look at it and how almost freaked out a bit you are by all this that you’re really not gonna.
End it amicably and find someone more vanilla to date.
Be true to yourself.
Don’t do anything that isn’t going to make you happy. Some people like stuff that may just go too far for you, or they’ll ask you to do stuff that you may do once, and realize you don’t like it, but they insist on you continuing.
And it’s okay to not be compatible in those areas. It doesn’t make her “better” than you in some way, or you “worse” than someone in her past. We all have experiences where you just click with someone.
And those situations don’t always work out.
But this idea of having a broad sex life of all these different experiences that are perceived to be common and necessary for a happy sex life is incorrect. If you know what works for you, even if it’s just one thing, it’s just as valid as if she needs a guy to fulfill a dozen different kinks sho she’s satisfied. It doesn’t make you boring. It means you like what you like.
So in my opinion, if you really do think you might be into doing some stuff to “broaden your horizons”, do so because YOU want to. You can try it to make her happy but just be up front about whether you enjoy it and whether you’d want to continue.
If you decide that what she’s asking for is going to put a strain on you because she wants you to go much further than you’re willing, you really would be much happier by finding someone more compatible.
I really hope you’re not thinking of cunnilingus as kinky, and that you at least use your fingers or toys to get her off. Guys who aren’t into giving their partners pleasure is a huge red flag.
Sexual incompatibility like this is probably not something you can overcome. If you’re not kinky, then you shouldn’t force it. Like sex, kink needs enthusiastic consent, and educated consent. If there are things you’re willing to explore, you can discuss that with her. But if bdsm as a whole turns you off, then you should break up.
I would try to open up a bit. Oral isn’t kinky in 2022, maybe 1952 it was, but not now. My point is that a lot of women will want oral from their partner and you might find your next girlfriend does too.
I’m not saying you have to get into BDSM if you don’t want to, but I think you could consider opening up to a few things that you feel comfortable with.
Lots of women wouldn’t be with someone who won’t go down on them, and you can’t blame them.
So for 1 you’re glazing right over the whole “my ex was bigger” comment. There’s no need to disrespect your partner like that.
Secondly, if this is such a need for her to end the relationship over then just walk away. I don’t like having partners who are into things like her it makes it feel so much less genuine and uncomfortable and it seems you may feel something similar.
Also think about the double standard of the situation. It’s a female setting sexual ultimatums (get into weird shit or I’ll leave) and the internet is gonna think it’s totally valid.
But if you reverse the genders and A guy wanted to be sexually satisfied or else he’d leave, they’d call him a pig and say he was terrible.
Food for thought. Maybe she isn’t as amazing as you think…
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I’m with you. I don’t get the appeal of BDSM and whips, chains, etc. There’s no way I’m choking a woman, ever! I’m down with oral and anal but anything outside of that is pushing my comfort limits.
See if you can come to a negotiation. If you can’t, you’re going to have to let her go.
Sorry she broke up with you, but honestly you were sexually not compatible. It was for the best. You will find someone who is more your style.
I would have told you to break up with her anyway. It’s social stigma that tells you sexual compatibility in a relationship isn’t THAT important, but it is. If you are a sexual person and your partner is too, but you don’t match up, then your relationship wouldn’t last anyway. I’m sorry. I know it hurts, but I believe it’s what’s best. I can relate about losing the best sex in your life, even 8 sex partners later, and there’s nothing that compares to him. But, we’ll both find it again if we keep trying.
You can keep the pegging but other than that send hey my way. My wife and I are looking for a girlfriend.
I’m sorry OP. For some people, sexual compatibility is important. Others not so much. I hope you can work through this and be happy without her.
Well done on her for making the courageous decision.
I am sorry that this has impacted on you.
But natural sex compatibility is absolutely critical to long term success of a relationship.
Look who knows she may change her mind.
I know it sad. It’s for the best and in time you’ll get the chance to be with someone you are more in alignment with.
Break up. Big red flags from the way she talks about her ex. Like why bring up how big he is if size doesn’t really matter to her? Gross.
Find someone to match you, dude..
Wow. And she broke up with you just like that? She’s very shallow, and strange.
Was going to offer to swap gf but just saw the update.
no way you just called oral kinky when it’s just like, right, to reciprocate that type of stuff and if she’s getting you off you get her off — if you consider that kinky then idk what you’re gonna do come the future
however sexual incompatibility isn’t great for a relationship so if you aren’t into kinky shit don’t force it, but maybe do some research and find out if there are things you may wanna try in the future or things you can do to get your partners off the way they do for you
Besides that it will cause frustration on both sides:
What do you do to satisfy her if you only seem to go down on her a few minutes?
Toys? Fingers? Other stuff?
It doesn’t sound vanilla but boring, even without the kinks.
Well them it just wasn’t meant to be…
You will find that right special person for you and why on earth is she telling you how big her ex is disgusting. Be happy 😊
Bro you can only go down on her for a few minutes and you’re done. She wants more and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not compatible. You both deserve people that will check all of your boxes. But fr you need to give more if you want to get more.
oral is kinky?
Dude I’m with an asexual. It’s rough AF. I don’t recommend sexual incompatibility to anyone. I’m doing it because there’s more to life than sex but I’m not gonna lie, it’s a high cost if you’re hot blooded like me.
I’m more or less vanilla but high libido. And if you think going down is kink, then you’re way more vanilla than me. She would be extremely frustrated with you. Glad she left. Sorry but you need a girl next door vanilla practicing Orthodox Christianity or something.
You know, missionary only, lights off, 5 min tops, twice a month…
NOT RECIPROCATING ORAL FOR YOUR PARTNER IF THEY DO IT FOR YOU, MAKES YOU A BAD PARTNE
just imagine all the things the previous guy did with her…with his huge dong. Break up my man.
i’m glad she left you. you didn’t even try dude… she deserves so much better.
you will literally never ever ever find a woman if you’re not down to do oral for more than two minutes. being completely realistic here. you need to grow up and stop being so selfish….
I’m kinda happy for her for chosing to move on.
You think oral is kinky? And you’re fine with her going down on you for however long but you can only handle a few minutes?
Sounds like she made the right choice, you might want to try expanding your horizons a little.