\> 21 M from India
\> Tries to have conversations with a lot of people at event, bar, etc.
\> They engage with me in conversation first, but as soon as I realize they are boring me, I assume I give somebody language markers that make them realize I don’t want to be in conversation anymore but I still listen to them or talk to them. Maybe it makes them feel embarrassed.
\> So now they don’t even want to engage with me anymore, even my friends in my classroom avoid me.
\> It’s also very common for my friends or people, in general, to abandon me or make me feel distant.
\> I just feel helpless about what to do, so I basically tried pretty much everything under my control and it’s not working.
\> Is there anything I could do such that people feel like involving me in their life
2 comments
1. It’s all in your head.
2. You are trying too hard to please people. Stop it right there.
3. Try to groom, i.e., have a good hair cut, clear skin, wear deodorant, brush your teeth regularly to have a good breath etc.
4. Wear fitting clothes, clean shoes etc.
5. Walk with your head up, don’t arch your back and have a smile.
6. Don’t overextend yourself more than what you can give.
7. Make yourself interesting, sign up for courses which are extracurricular like toast masters or martial arts etc.
8. Finally, you can’t make everyone like you, just go with people who like you. You can only control your expectations, maybe their expectations are not the same. Always put yourself first.
I understand you want people to text/invite/hang out with you. But in order for people to do that, they have to have a strong reason to do so. That comes from the quality of interactions you have had with them in person in the past. Do you talk to these people in person ? How have your interactions been with them ? Do you ask them questions and listen to what they say ? Do you answer their questions and do so confidently ? Do you bring positive vibes to your social interactions and do you leave people with positive impressions of yourself ? People notice the way you act and carry yourself around them. They take into account your self confidence and the vibes you give off.
There are verbal and nonverbal cues that signal to people you lack confidence and give off negative vibes. These are some of the tell tale signs. One is you text people way more than they text you. You probably text them everyday (or some high frequency), when they don’t even do the same to you. You’re probably sending them paragraphs, while they are sending you one word answers or sentences. Or you’re that person that emotionally reacts and confronts people when they don’t respond to you for whatever reason. People know when you are attached to them. Remember that friendships are not codependent relationships. You need to be living a separate life outside of your friends and not be depending so much on your friends for their time, attention, validation, reassurance, or approval. The truth is people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness, clinginess, and desperation.
People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. Do you have skills, talents, or hobbies that can impact people ? Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those kinds of things. Even if you can’t directly impact people, they will still respect you because you are actively doing something in life besides just socialization. Chase excellence, not people !