I know there’s a fence sitter sub Reddit but this post belongs here so please read.
I wasn’t always on the fence about kids but since covid happened I became on the fence since life and the economy and jobs and mental health etc kinda went to shit. We’re in our early 30s and are not in financially ready to have kids. I made a career change last year to start increasing my income and it has already started to pay off and will really start paying off even more come December. My husband doesn’t take in much income and has ongoing health issues that make it difficult to work a full schedule. Unfortunately where we live we need two semi large incomes to rent a nice place and have a kid.
I want some advice because there are lots of reasons to have kids, and also lots to not. I think what scares me the most is that I don’t feel like my husband is motivated to increase his income to support a family or get a bigger apartment *unless* we get pregnant. If I’m not pregnant he doesn’t see a reason to try and make more or rent a larger space to plan ahead. Plus he just assumes we will have family support and we won’t have to support ourselves fully, basically supporting his reason to not increase income. And I absolutely hate that attitude as it doesn’t align with my values, since I value independence and self sufficiency. To be honest this makes me really anxious and I lose attraction and desire at the thought of him thinking we can depend on others for financial help rather than working harder to increase our total income, and so I keep my legs closed and just hope we don’t get pregnant. Oh and yeah no surprise but our sex life is struggling a little bit now too.
I am not the type of person who just wants to figure it out if we get pregnant and I want to have a plan in place with stable incomes. I worry if I bring it up my husband will be upset and say “I know again I’m the bad guy” which is something he does. I don’t want him to feel bad because he’s wonderful in every other area of marriage, he’s so patient and supportive but I’m so money driven and a big planner with anxiety about the future and want financial security yet he doesn’t care and thinks people who care about money and wanting a “rich” life are lousy selfish pricks. But money will make our goals a reality. Any advice on how to handle?
5 comments
Yes. For starters if you wait until the perfect time to have kids you will never have kids.
Second it’s not possible to have and raise kids without outside support whether from family or friends.
Third you like working and making the big bucks and are ambitious and also motivated by anxiety which most ambitious people are, and yet we live in a society that still says women are supposed to stay home and raise kids when they have them. So, you feel guilty that you don’t want to be a SAHM and you are thinking that he wants to be working too so to make it fair you are adding in all these costs of having a nanny or whatever else for child care.
Last you don’t realize that you actually have a very optimal situation to have kids.
You have a husband who would probably jump at the chance to be a stay at home dad and work part time or not at all. And he is so motivated to do this that you can tell him “OK we will do this but YOU are going to have to figure out the living situation and how we are going to live off my income. Are you going to give up your car and maybe drive me to work every day? Are we could to move to a cheaper place that isn’t so nice? Are you going to learn 100 ways to cook Top Ramen?” In other words – having kids is his goal – so YOU tell HIM to do the legwork of figuring out how it’s all going to work financially, and let go of all that – while you do the legwork of rising quickly and profitably in the businessworld and making the Big Bucks.
It doesen’t mean you won’t love your kids if you have them. It just means you aren’t into the whole Mommie thing but that’s fine because your husband is in the whole Daddy thing.
60 years ago when Daddy went to work and Mommie stayed home, the kids ran to Mommie when they got a cut and needed a bandaid, for their comfort, and they were just a bit awed and scared of Daddy because he was working some Big Important Job. But they still knew Daddy loved them even if he was a bit distant. And everyone thought there was nothing wrong with it. Well today we have that dynamic in some familes but it’s Mommie they are all a bit in awe of while Daddy is the one they run to for comfort when they fall down.
Once kids come if your husband wants to take the traditional Mama Bear role in the family, then he’s going to get hugely interested in the best thing for them.
You may not be able to motivate him to work harder and longer at more money for an intangible of children that MAY come along, but when the kids arrive and he sees them, if he takes ownership of them he’s going to be quite motivated. I also suspect his ongoing health issues might clear up a tad, as well.
But all of this is dependent on him. If he is dying to have kids but expects to admire them from a distance while you are changing the poopy diapers, than none of this will work.
I did not see a single reason in your post that indicates having children with your husband is a responsible idea or is an undertaking that will lead to your happiness.
My advice is to stop having sex with him before you get trapped in a defunct marriage with kids you don’t want, and figure out what your next move is. The responsibility of children only exacerbate the negatives in a relationship and you two already have some doozies.
No one can tell you to have kids or not.
But, like everyone says, there is no perfect time to have kids. There are times you shouldn’t have kids of course.
It may never be ideal but it really sounds like overall you’ll be fine.
Kind of unrelated but what’s up with your husband just thinking you can always really on financial family support???
That would be a general turn off to me. Not just in being the father of my children.
It’s one thing to think it as an option. A whole other thing to state it as a financial safety net option.
I’m biased because me and my wife are definite “want kids”
Youguys need to come to an agreement on this matter. Kids are an all or nothing proposition. You will wake up at 50 and either you had them or didn’t.
There will always be a reason, geopolitically, not have kids. What’s more important is what’s in your heart. Do you really want to have them?
To be clear your husband isn’t a bad guy at all as far as I see here. Good luck either way.
It sounds like you’ll be doing the majority of the work and paying for most of it.