My husband has a tendency to assume that I’m trying to be hyper-intelligent / pretentious when I introduce him to my personal interests.
I enjoy films, reading, gardening, astronomy, brunch dates, British humor, theatre, alternative music, philosophy and engaging conversations about everything under the sun. This has always formed part of my identity.
We own one television set, which he controls everyday watching YouTube videos (mainly documentaries, travel vlogs and live news). Most of the time, I sit alone in the guest bedroom watching movies / series and reading, he generally isn’t bothered about my interests or what I do in my spare time. Sometimes, he’ll invite me to join him and watch something I like with him, and when I do, he either mentally shuts down, sleeps or works on his laptop.
Last night, I excitedly suggested we watch ‘Uncut Gems’. I’ve been meaning to watch it for ages and opened the floor to watch it with him. He agreed, but his behavior dramatically switched as soon as he could gauge how excited I was to watch it.
As I was explaining the film concept, he started scrolling through social media on his phone, throwing in sarcastic ‘mms’ and ‘aahs’, gesturing with boredom and facing his head downward. I switched the movie on and noticed how detached and disinterested he was through the first quarter of the film.
Because I didn’t want him to watch something he didn’t enjoy, I paused the movie and asked him if something was wrong or if he was finding the movie difficult to engage with. I calmly let him know that I had no problem disconnecting my laptop and watching the movie with headphones, and that he could watch YouTube on the main television.
He yelled that he was watching the movie, that the movie isn’t so difficult and unique to understand; it’s not ‘complex or deep’ and he doesn’t need to watch movies in awe and excitement like I do.
I reiterated that I suggested the movie because I thought it could be a movie we enjoy together, not because I think I’m deep, unique or bullying him to engage.
He yelled again, telling me he doesn’t need to listen or watch movies in the manner I do (the correct words were “I don’t have to sit and watch the movie like a stooge”) and I should turn the movie back on and think about my “weird behavior”. He also told me that I could potentially traumatize / damage my future children if this is how I act whenever we watch a movie, we don’t have kids.
I kept quiet and disconnected the movie. No less than 5 minutes after the argument, he started playing his YouTube videos and apologizing at surface level, he always does.
To get my husband to engage in anything I enjoy or find interest in is an extreme sport, I sometimes have to buy him snacks, beg him to put his phone away or commit myself to something (like going out of my way to make him happy) in return for some quality time.
Was I wrong and how do I handle this in future? Are we not compatible?
TL:DR; Husband gets upset when I suggest / talk about / get excited about anything I find interest in. In this instance he got upset over me suggesting a movie.
29 comments
He’s demeaning you deliberately because he’s intimidated by you. Throw him away and get a new one.
You are married to a man who gets angry at you for having a personality. This doesn’t seem like a situation that is fixable.
This is straight up emotional abuse… get the hell out. You did nothing wrong, this dude is an asshole. You should never have to deal with behavior like this from anyone that cares about you.
My abusive husband used to get mad whenever I had any interests. He would belittle them and sometimes ask, “who told you about that?” as if I couldn’t discover something interesting for myself. He always controlled the TV, and we always did what he wanted when we went out. He would never want to do anything with my friends, only his. He’d be angry all night if, for instance, we had to go to my company Christmas party.
I could go on and on, but needless to say we are no longer together.
Think about how you want to live your life. Is this it? It will only get worse, not better.
He is not good for you. Divorce and find someone who shared similar interest with you
I’m sorry but he sounds awful and controlling, my advice time to move on, the controlling will just get worse the longer you stay.
You’re married to a cantankerous man who’s mentally an old fart and intimidated by a woman who uses her brain more than he does.
Why are you even with this guy? Are you dependent on him in any way?
Sounds like you don’t even make good *roommates*, let alone a good couple or (Lord forbid!) a good married team.
He just wants someone who does the things he wants to do with him, and doesn’t get a say in conversation or activity? Maybe he should buy a sex doll and you should find a partner who not only respects your interests but *loves* that you have your own passions and preferences.
I had a very similar husband. Please leave this man and do not have children with him! If you do, things will become way worse and even if you leave you’ll have to coparent with him till the kid is 18 years, which is a hell. Read about covert narcissism.
INFO Why did you get married?
A normal person would be delighted to hear about your interests and listen to you talk about the films that excite you, and maybe even get excited with you. This sounds terribly demeaning and I can’t imagine what sort of psychological effects it’s having on you. And on top of that his reactions to you asking him to behave differently just screams that this is an awful relationship and neither of you are enjoying it. What’s holding you there?
There have been points in my life with partners (especially one with similar age gap, I was 33 he was 50) where I’ve had to ask myself: “would my life be happier without them in it?” and the answer was “yes”.
This seems similar. You seem like a fun, interested person who is curious about life around you, happy to be on a rock orbiting in space. You’ve got a guy who *actively* tries to squash the energy you have. He not only won’t or can’t see the light in you, he’s trying to ruin it. How negative, how destructive and also how fucking *boring*. Imagine if you’d come home to someone as interested in you as you are in them? Imagine if you’d come home to someone with generosity to them? That’d be nice, wouldn’t it? Meet up more with friends, be that person for yourself and I’d recommend ditching him to make space for a person that’s positive, kind and creative.
The man didn’t enjoy Adam Sandler in his best performance in recent years? You married a monster.
Why did you marry this guy? How did you meet? What drew you to each other? What made you think, “this is someone I want to make a long term commitment to share my life with”? How long have you been married? How long did you date before that?
It sounds like he doesn’t like you very much. Is that new? If it’s been like this from the start… why are you together?
Why are you with this guy? He’s old enough to be your father.
Note, I’m not completely against age-gap relationships, but this guy doesn’t seem to have much to offer.
It seems like he’s annoyed by you having interests, ideas, and tastes.
>he doesn’t need to watch movies in awe and excitement like I do.
Please, please don’t lose the awe and excitement you feel for the things you like and/or do.
I know Reddit is quick to jump to DTMFA, but I’m with it in this case. Dump him and eventually move on to someone who actually supports you and your thoughts and ideas.
It sounds like he likes the idea of you, but doesn’t actually like you?
My husband and I have some similar interests but also many different ones. We enjoy introducing each other to these things— sometimes we surprise ourselves and get into something the other person suggested! That is how my tee-and-jeans husband became obsessed with Project Runway (which was a surprise!).
You shouldn’t have to work so hard to get your husband to show basic respect for you and your interests.
Dude is a pompous asshole. I’m begging you to run like the wind. There are so many cool people out there that share your enthusiasm for life… but even without all of them… you can be excited and love to learn and see and do things without his sorry ass dragging you down.
This sounds like he is disengaged from your relationship. Your partner should enjoy seeing happy, even if it’s talking about or doing something that they don’t love. The fact that he literally gets annoyed or angry when you are excited or happy is really unhealthy. Also does he spend time doing things with you on the weekends and it’s just after work you sit by yourself?
If you don’t enjoy doing anything together and he doesn’t even like sitting with you or hearing about your interests then what is fulfilling about this relationship? He is already 20 years older then you which means when your 60 and still full of life he’s already going to be an old man needing your care. You will spend your 60s and 70s caring for him. Does he treat you well enough and love you enough for you to waste those years in the future? (and your time now where you could find someone who actually likes you and enjoys you being happy)
He said you are like a stooge for expressing emotion over something you have interest in as you watch while he is a youtube potato? Pardon?
Gosh I’m sorry to say this but why are you tolerating this? Age gap relationships don’t necessarily always pose red flags, but In this case, there couldn’t be more. He’s playing out his fantasy of being your daddy; controlling what you do, reprimanding you for your actions as if you were a teenager. It’s quite frankly gross.
You sound awesome. Please go find someone equally as awesome as you.
I know a couple who is a 60-something years old version of y’all. The wife is my friend. Her husband always belittles what she is into. He expects her to be into what he is into, but he never reciprocates. He throws out her stuff too. She has to hide her belongings to keep them from disappearing.
I know she is unhappy, but the prospect of being a divorcee in her 60s is daunting for her. So she is just waiting for him to die.
Don’t be like my friend. Cut your losses now so that you don’t have to wait until you are in 80s to be happy.
Geez get a second TV and a different house to watch it in.
This guy get annoyed about who you are, what you are interested in, how you talk to him about it. He’s so disinterested that you’ve started to wonder if you are the problem.
You’re not.
Sounds similar with my situation. He dismissed my concerns and needs for several months until I had enough and sit him and basically told him how much of a toxic, unapproachable and sociopath boyfriend he is. He was HURT. He felt like shit. I felt amazing. After 5 months of daily crying i was finally FREE from all resentment. He will not change.
He does not respect you and he never will. Nothing we can say because usually people ask for advice and hardly take it on this sub. You can stay but it will never change.
I was very relieved when I read “we don’t have kids”. If in his opinion being petty is more damaging/traumatizing than yelling, for a kid… This is clear projection, he is accusing you of his flaws basically, dear scapegoat.
On one side it’s not his fault for not being spontaneously interested in something he isn’t interested into, though. You can’t force that, at most he can make an effort to pretend he cares even if he doesn’t, but that’s not optimal. On the other side he doesn’t address this incompatibility but expects you to just adapt to how he is and cancel your ego.
You are definitely not compatible here. Not just for lack of interests in common (or lack of what is behind your attitudes that bring you to like certain things over others), but you aren’t a good match in “ego” as well: his ego is huge and dysfunctional, the perfect woman for him would be a sponge woman, kinda dumb, whose mission is only serving her husband without having her own individuality. (Which is not something I wish to any woman anyway, but unfortunately women like this exist, especially around 50+). And the man for you is someone who could be also a friend first of all because coming from the same mindset, and being as like-minded as friends are, allows having more compatibility in interests and being more open to contents that stem from the same attitudes. Interests are important for you, so much you have to create your space alone in another room to follow that. For others these things are not important but for you they are, and that’s legit.
Like others here I wonder why you -married- this man after being in a relationship, where you could spot the incompatibility already. What did make you think this was a good “forever”? Unless you married too early like just after 1-2 years of relationship, (which isn’t wise either because the infatuation period vanishes and you can’t make permanent decisions on that, but I see people in the US do this quite a lot).
Also, he is 50, he probably scrolls his social media like any man in his 50s discovering the internet at late age and being addicted to cheap memes, conservative fake news and conspiracy theories material, with no tools to counter that because he didn’t raise up with internet like us. I bet his internet contacts have very low social skills and he argues over absolute cringe childish bullshit, and that’s so absorbing for them. It’s like having a grown kid who can’t stop playing with some toys while the mother recalls his attention and he gets upset. You literally said you have to buy him snacks to convince him, exactly like a baby, that’s pathetic… And you are definitely way beyond that stage if you are a millennial, so you can’t even join spontaneously his social media bs.
Now look at the symbolic situation in your house: he stays on his sofa being the protagonist controling all the multimedia, you sit alone in the GUESTS room. Are you not a protagonist in this house? Why is he so much more important and doesn’t sit alone in the guests room too minding his business while you use all the television set to watch your stuff? Think about the why you couldn’t swap these roles, there is a strong unbalancement in “importance” here and you both live it as if it’s “normal”.
Regardless from all this, there is a major problem in your relation: your communication is very bad. He assumes you accuse him of something with passive aggression (like you propose to watch the movie alone with your laptop), which can be already a communication issue from your side because you aren’t directly telling you are feeling disappointed or sad, but you show it through such proposals, and he reacts by not telling you he feels oppressed by these indirect methods but rather yells at you. You both know there are many situations where you have to walk on eggshells because you have feedbacks from past reactions (and feedbacks cumulate, you can’t cancel them). Did you tell him the fact he yells makes you cringe in the pants or feel unfairly abused emotionally? No I think, you absorb his abuse in silence as far as I understood. The whole situation doesn’t go through a direct communication, maybe because of lack of skills, but also because of fear. And if you can’t feel safe to communicate how you feel with your partner then the trust between you is quite compromised, or was even never there. But trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
So you either decide together to change this trend and start putting rules to make communication work (and he has to cooperate with his own efforts too, actively, not just a promise), so that trust has a chance to rebuild, or else, you’ll continue going worse with this because, as I said, it cumulated regardless of any apology or forgiveness. It’s about the feedback of what you know, by facts (and more and more facts) that can happen, that creates the tension.
To undo all this you need openness and mutual cooperation, maybe couple therapy to get healthy communication rules to start following. If he doesn’t want to cooperate actively in that, then that should be your final dealbreaker because there is no other way to make it work.
It sounds like you’d be so much happier without him. Does this marriage bring anything positive to your life?
Are… Are you dating Gaston? How many eggs does he eat every day?
Uncut Gems is great. Definitely finish watching it after you dump your husband.
When you do leave him, be very careful. I read in one of your comments that you pay for everything, so be prepared for this man to lash out when he hears that you want to/are leaving. Ask how to leave and make a list of all the things you need to do, separate your things in a way he won’t notice, and make sure everything you absolutely need is already out of the house when he finds out you’re leaving. Whether or not you need to go all out is up to you, but please be safe