My (20F) boyfriend (20M) of 4 and a half years just moved into my appartment about a month ago. We got together in high school and were long-distance for about a year when I went away to university, before he finally moved in with me recently.
Lately, he started university and is currently going through his first exams as well as some stressful personal events, and I can completely understand why this would take a toll on his sex drive. I completely support him and have been vocal about helping him in any way I can, he is aware and very thankful. However, I have a very high libido and my boyfriend has always been aware of it.
We have sex a few times a month, which is not a lot compared to what I’d prefer, and I am always the one who initiates it. I’m glad to say the sex is great, just not a frequent and for as long as I’d like. I did talk to him about it as we are very open and have always communicated our needs, he agreed that he did notice having a very low libido lately but didn’t explain it in detail or try to find solutions. He mentioned a post he found on Reddit about men getting comfortable in LTRs and having a big drop in libido, but that is pretty much it.
When we first got together, it was a FWB situation so we had a lot more sex than we do now, after that we were in college and slowed down a little due to different schedules and not being together as often, then we had sex when we could while we were long-distance. Lately, I found myself missing how he made me feel in these first months/years of our relationship.
He used to be so giving and he couldn’t wait to tear my clothes off. He gave me head for hours and we had amazing foreplay and sex, I never complained at all and was very satisfied. We started out pretty vanilla, and I introduced him to more kinky stuff as I am more into rough sex and had more experience than him. I also was in the more popular group and he always joked I was out of his league, so I know there was some excitement due to that as well when we first got together. Sex has always been great, but now there is always less and less foreplay, it always takes less time which makes sense due to his schedule but I still wish he would give us more time out of his day. I keep thinking about those times when we’d fuck daily and even multiple times a day, and I am wondering what changed.
He constantly compliments me and we have a lot of physical touch throughout the day, but somehow I still find myself feeling undesired sexually, as he never initiates sex and sometimes turns me down due to fatigue or needing to get up early the next day. He is very affectionate and I do feel extremely loved, but I don’t feel like he really wants me anymore and I really miss it.
To give more context amd rule out potential causes, I did gain a bit of weight over 4 years as I matured and grew into my curves, but I weigh around 130 pounds so I know it isn’t lack of attraction on his part due to my body changing. He has cheated in the past but I am 100% confident that this isn’t happening at the moment, he always tells me where he is and I trust him as we worked through it and it was almost 2 years ago. I have talked about my feelimgs to him and he knows I have a very high sex drive, but it still hasn’t really changed. I am aware it might take him time to settle into this new life, but still needed to vent and see if anyone else could relate.
Has anyone else delt with this and if so, it there any advice you could give me?
TLDR; Boyfriend of 4 years moved in with me and his sex drive took a toll, I feel loved but not desired sexually and miss it. What can I do to help him and get us through this?
2 comments
I think first a foremost you can’t keep comparing your relationship now to how it was in the past. Who both of you guys were 4 years ago is wildly different from where you are now. When you guys had nothing but time, of course it’s easy to just spend the whole day having sex and not spending much time having to do anything else. You mentioned your boyfriend started college and that is a big life change. Speaking from experience, when a lot of responsibilities come at you at once it can be hard to focus on other things. I would try setting down a time where you can both air out how your feeling. Since you’ve been together for so long I think it would benefit both of you to talk out all the things in regards to how you’re feeling. Let that open communication be the first step. Go into it without judgement and let that be the first bridge into rebuilding your sex life for better.
This happened with my boyfriend and I when we first moved in together. We both started new jobs and I was in school. We both were just extremely busy and I was exhausted by the end of the day. He has a very high sex drive and I was too tired. My best advice would just be talk about it and plan a date night every week or 2. That helped us a lot. Or see if there is anything that he is into sexually that you didn’t know about. My boyfriend found out things that I like and it definitely helped me want to have sex more. It’s hard with so many things going on to focus on each other. Good luck!