I (19 F) have been dating my boyfriend (22M) for 2 months. Despite what’s going on recently my boyfriend is a genuinely great guy. He’s very much so a gentleman. Has like no red flags aside from what has been happening.
Basically we haven’t been intimate in the last few weeks. This was originally due to medical conditions and being intimate could worsen what was happening with my body. I of course told him when I was scared we couldn’t be intimate and he was extremely understanding and said that it didn’t matter and we could wait as long as needed. It’s been almost a month since then and I have fully recovered but I just don’t have motivation for anything anymore. There has been a lot of stressors in my life outside of my relationship and my mental health has gotten pretty bad. A result from this is that I’m sad all of the time. I have no apatite anymore and suffer with constant stomach aches (I’m assuming from struggling to eat). I always feel sick and sad.
He knows everything that has been going on in my life but I always played it off like it was really fine and kept a positive attitude. It wasn’t until yesterday that I was actually honest about how everything is affecting me. Yesterday morning he tried to initiate intimacy but I declined and he was upset thinking that there was something wrong between us and I broke down crying and everything that I have been keeping to myself poured out. He comforted me and we agreed that we will wait until I’m feeling better and that I will initiate it. He wasn’t happy about me being the one to initiate it but still agreed. Last night he spent the night at my house and this morning tried to initiate while I was still half asleep. I laughed it off and fell back asleep. When I woke up to his work alarm we started talking in bed and then he tried to initiate intimacy again randomly. I stopped him because there was not enough time without him being late to work. Then I reminded him about our agreement we made yesterday. He got really frustrated and got up and said “see you later” then just left. I started crying when I realized he actually left.
This was about an hour ago and I just don’t know what to do. He is a really great guy that I could honestly see a future with but now I’m having second thoughts about our relationship. If anyone has any advice please let me know.
TL;DR I feel like I’m ruining my relationship because I’m not intimate with my boyfriend.
6 comments
Uhm if he can’t go without sex for a few weeks that’s a real problem. It’s normal to have dry spells sometimes. You’re not doing anything wrong and you did good setting a boundary and reinforcing it. If he can’t respect your boundary then that’s very worrying. You’re not ruining anything, you’re just feeling off.
This seems like an awful lot of pressure and drama for a relationship that’s only two months old.
Partners respecting your boundries is rule number 1 in modern dating. Go with your gut.
Or (no callousness intended) don’t and learn the hard way like a lot of women do.
Either way you go, I am empathetic because I’ve been there at 19. It felt right to stay. Turns out it was a waste of time and a lot of crying/heartbreak and make up in cycles. The only saving grace was growing from it.
Wayyyy toooo early in any relationship for all that jazz. Just my opinion
OP, I’m a guy and much older than 22. It’s no surprise that someone his age would be selfish. I get the feeling he wants to support you, but I’m guessing he really doesn’t understand what you’re going through.
You’ve only been together two months, and I don’t think anyone has enough info to declare any absolutes about what you should or shouldn’t do, or to denigrate your BF’s character.
The only thing that you can do is talk, openly and honestly, to your BF. Tell him how him trying to initiate makes you feel. He can and should also vent his frustrations, but the bottom line to all of this is that if you’re answer to intimacy is “no”, then it’s a no.
Transparency is the key, and partners should trust each other. If you both keep things inside then resentment and bitterness will fester. Best of luck.
I don’t think there’s anything you can do. You shouldn’t force yourself to have sex if you don’t want it. At the same time, it’s hard to blame him for not being ok with the current situation: you have been together only for 2 months, and there’s already so much drama and frustration on both sides. It’s only the beginning of the relationship and already there are big problems with intimacy – I’m sure he’s wondering if investing into this new relationship is something he wants to do.
You might have just met at the wrong time in your life. It happens.