I’ve been friends with this girl for 12 years. We are both mid 20s. Ever since we were in our mid teens, my friend has been in a series of toxic and emotionally damaging relationships. She’s missed out on a lot of things because she is so codependent – for example, she’s never been outside of the country and always declined traveling because she wanted to spend time with her bf, refused going to concerts for the same reason, was just very codependent. When she goes to me to cry/vent, I listen and spend hours and hours breaking down the situation with her and offering advice
Several years ago we got into an argument because she brought her no good bf at the time into my new apartment with my roommates present, and getting into a big fight on what would have been an important day. She ended up getting upset with me despite quitting my plans for the night to comfort her because I advised her to break up with him, and she gossiped with someone I had a falling out with who in turn sent me a very nasty text message. I ended up forgiving her for that.
Last year she went through a devastating breakup, which again I supported her through. She ended up jumping into a bunch of unhealthy situationships, she is currently in another one that has lasted a year and she is making a bunch of bad decisions.
She told me that she doesn’t like when I give her advice and that she just wants someone to listen. I told her that I give advice because I care about her best interest and I do actively listen, but at this point it may be better for her to go to counselling and talk about these things with a professional, because at the end of the day I’m just a simple person trying to figure my own things out and after years of giving her advice, listening for hours on end, and being in unpleasant situations I’ve had enough. She said counselling is never helpful to her. So I suggested that as a boundary, she should go to her other friends first before unloading everything on me, because after years I’ve listening and giving advice, I feel burned out and that while I’m always there for her I think this would be the best solution for our friendship.
Am I being a bad friend by setting this boundary? Should I have not said anything at all?
Tl;dr
Friend emotionally dumps on me and I’m fed up
9 comments
The thing about boundaries is it doesn’t matter how someone else feels about them. They don’t need to like it or agree, they just need to respect it. If they can’t then you follow through with consequences. My suggestion for consequences would be cutting ties. It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything at all for you in some time, if ever. She’s just been leeching off of you.
Yeah…she’s not your friend.
This doesn’t seem like a friendship anymore, you are being used. Can I ask what do you get from this? What positives does she bring to your life? If you are getting zero why are you bothering with her? I think you should consider what you get from all this and if it’s nothing or only negatives it might be time to cut this person out of your life. Good luck☺️
Your friend is an emotional vampire. She takes and takes and is exhausting just to read about. You don’t even sound like you like her or respect her or think she’s very smart. And now you don’t want to hear her sob stories anymore.
As far as your boundary goes, I think it’s pretty hard to be friends with someone you don’t want to support or listen to. This friendship sounds dead (or at least it should be). If I were you, I’d just stop initiating contact, be slow to reply, be busy if invited somewhere…let the thing die.
She should try to find a friend who actually likes her for who she is and you should stop wasting time with such a one-sided relationship.
P.S. Giving unsolicited advice is rude and it’s especially rude to argue with someone when they point it out to you. Good lord…just leave each other alone already. I can’t imagine either one of you particularly enjoying this “friendship”.
You’re not a bad friend for setting the boundary, but this doesn’t really sound like a boundary. It sounds like more advice and suggestions.
A boundary would sound like, “I’m not able to continue to be this person for you.”
What you suggested is just that she tries other friends first, but then left it completely open for her to come back and unload on you afterwards. But I’m assuming that if she does that, you’ll still be just as frustrated, and at that point it’s not fair to her because your boundary wasn’t clear.
Also, you ignored her boundary when she said she doesn’t want advice and you argued and said you provide advice because you care. Instead of just saying, “okay, I hear you, I will stop providing advice.” Then you could have even followed that up with, “but I am not able to be the person you continue to vent to, it’s causing me to feel overwhelmed.”
So it sounds like boundaries in this friendship are shaky all around and need to be firmer and respected by both sides.
Cut her off. She sounds toxic. And exhausting. She just unloads on you cause you’re free and you allow her to.
You know, this is quite common dynamic, to the point of cliche: men talk about their problems to find solutions, women because they want to be heard. The frustration you feel with each other is EXTREMELY common. It’s a cliche (e.g., there’s a very funny short film called “It’s not about the nail” by Jason Headley that you can find by googling which you may find hits a little close to home.)
So much so that I know plenty of men who, when their partner starts complaining about something, will literally explicitly ask: “Do you want me to help you solve this, or do you just want me to listen?”
Your desire to help is coming from a good place! Your suggestions are well-meaning, but they’re not actually what she’s looking for.
So on one hand, this gives you permission to let yourself off the hook. She’s not expecting you to solve her problems, and you don’t need to feel responsible for them. So your “go work with a therapist” advice is off the mark because she’s not asking for solutions, she’s asking for emotional support in the form of listening. That might even allow you to detach some, if you want, so that you listen without getting quite so sucked in.
Although, to be fair, many men find the kind of processing women want to do exhausting. Like, it’s fine to listen, but do you need me to do it for hours? But often the solution in situations like that is to just get off the phone. You’ve listened to her and made supportive noises for 20 minutes, and you say, “Hey, I hope I was able to help, but I need to get off the phone for a bit. Talk to you tomorrow?”
In other words, *if you wanted* you could continue to support her without being overwhelmed just by setting internal limits of how much time you were willing to give her, which is entirely reasonable.
You’re totally in the right for setting that boundary. Like others have said you could be more stern with your wording too, saying “from now on im not offering advice, its straining our relationship too much, etc.”
I won’t tell you to cut her off, because maybe outside of this she’s a rlly good friend idk, but maybe you should distance yourself from her. It’s clearly not beneficial to you in any way to keep helping her like this, and maybe losing you would be a good wake up call that she needs to change her ways. Like you said you’re just a simple person trying to give advice, if she wants to create all this drama in her life then let her. Remove yourself from the equation.
Honestly been in similar situations and I HAVE to give advice if you vent to me. Im a problem solver and i don’t like just hearing someone out, or telling someone great advice and then have them do the opposite and become worse. I set that boundary with people now. Only vent to me if you’re receptive of my advice. If you want someone to listen and do nothing find a consular.