My (m26) partner (f24) has called for a break. After nearly a year of being together I’ve started getting job applications to come home and I’ve been working hard towards that.
Over the past month or so, she has been short with me, rarely speaking to me throughout a day and to call it a conversation would be laughable. She’s currently withdrawing from pills which she’s been on for years but finally got clean in June.
I obviously have wanted to properly speak about what’s going on as it’s affecting my mental health a lot, and how she is feeling right now with the withdrawal seems to be affecting her.
She told me she wants a break for a few weeks which is hard when we have hardly spoken for a few weeks. At the same time I agreed because it’s been breaking my heart the way I’m being treated and I can’t have the continuous hurt every day.
I really don’t know what I can do on my end as the break isn’t for what I’ve been doing. What do I do with my day? What do I think about regarding my relationship? And do you think this was an effective way to deal with our relationship? I’m struggling to get my head around poor communication becoming no communication and that being fixed.
EDIT: Engaging with these questions at the bottom would be appreciated.
I am very confident she’s not cheating on me as she’s going through a very depressive period where she rarely leaves the house she shares with her mum. Never hides her phone from me.
5 comments
In short she doesn’t wanna be with you. Move on and find someone who isn’t gonna treat you like this.
She’s a loser addict. Find someone better that just wants to pop pills and lay on the floor.
You’re long distance and she wants a break? Hint: she’s already has someone in mind, probably already fucking him too
I work with people going through withdrawals in a hospital setting. It is very common for them to go through a depressive state as they now have to deal with what they felt the need to self medicate. It is also a possibility that in order for her to be clean she needs to try and stay away from her old life in order to avoid going back to her addiction. This may very well be the end of your relationship or it could be the beginning of an even better relationship.
I would ask her to clarify what she is looking for in having a break and tell her it is okay if she needs time and to write you a letter about it (some things are easier to think through in writing). It may be she feels obligated to you more so because of the relationship and needs you to fill out more of a friend role for the time being. She may feel that her addiction will relapse because of the relationship or that she is a different person now. It could be the program she is in to get clean is discouraging her from being in a relationship. It may be helpful if you have communication with a trusted family member of hers who is aware of the situation to make sure she is at least safe.
What you have gone through and are going through is not easy and it’s commendable that you want to help her. However, sometimes you can help people most by setting them free. Try to remain calm as everything is up in the air right now and consider going to counseling for yourself to help you with this life change.
What you do with your day, you focus on work, clean up, organise your finances, meal prep, work out, go for a run/walk, pick up a book, do you have a non destructive hobby? Basically take care of yourself.
About your relationship, not much you can do at this point, she is dealing with issues that you can’t really help with. Her being distant beforehand is just not having the bandwidth to deal with a relationship. What you can think is, is this truly what you want and is good for you? She clearly can’t give you what you need, forcing it, in my opinion, just makes it worse. You might want to wait out this break but prepare to let her go amicably. Once she’s clean, healthy and has her life sorted, you two, if you still want to, can rekindle this relationship. I think the best way to do it is to tell her you care for her and respect her need for space, so call it quits, stay friends and see what the future holds.
Short breaks, such as this one, won’t work unless both people want it to, that’s rare since the person asking for a break is usually already out, just doesn’t know how to end it. There doesn’t need to be a reason other than they just have too much to deal with and can not manage a relationship on top of it all.
So return to point 1, have a calm talk with her after this break and see where to go from there. But don’t leave it undefined, if she needs more time, cool, let her go and proceed with your life.
Normally I think breaks are pointless and you should just breakup when one is proposed, but if she’s actually withdrawing from pills & is now going through a depressive episode, it *kinda* makes sense. **Unless** she normally wants your support when she’s struggling.
So if you want to risk it and see how the break goes, go ahead.
>I am very confident she’s not cheating on me as she’s going through a very depressive period where she rarely leaves the house she shares with her mum. Never hides her phone from me.
I was in a LDR and he tried going on a break with me after becoming distant much like your girlfriend is, and he blamed it all on depression.
No matter what I go through, I fight through my issues while still in a relationship with the person i love… I personally don’t see the point in putting someone on pause if I love them and want to spend my life with them, as there’s going to be worse struggles in the future. It’s best to learn to navigate harsh situations together early on (which provides support), rather than neglect your partner for however long. That just weakens your relationship.
Anyways, I didn’t accept the break because it made no sense to me and I felt disrespected/put on the backburner. To summarize the rest, it turns out he was actually just cheating on me. I have no clue how he found the time to do so, but he managed it. I’m happy I didn’t accept the break.
This may not be the case in your situation, but just keep it in mind. It’s really hard to trust in a LDR because you never really know what the other person is up to; all you have is consistent communication, and now she’s trying to cut that off.
Do what you feel is right, above all. Just don’t be too trusting and naive. Most people want support from their partner when they’re struggling, but if she has a history of shutting down and wanting to be alone during hard times, then maybe that’s all this is. Who knows.