I [22M] started talking to a guy [24M] at the beginning of this month, we just went for coffee as a first date, which went well, we both said we wanted to see each other again and we continued to text fairly often – over the next few weeks, we went on some more dates, he told me he was looking for something and long-term, to which I said I was too, and he also mentioned how he doesn’t like rushing into things, so for the most part I was just following his lead. He gets discounted travel from his work (he’s a flight attendant) so he travels quite regularly on his own, and he asked if I wanted to join him on a trip (and I agreed, sent him the money for my ticket and he booked the trip) which was meant to leave yesterday.
Last Saturday, we went on a date for lunch before he went to work, and everything seemed fine, we chatted like usual and off he went – the next day, he didn’t reply to any of my messages (even though I could see he was active on other social media), so I sent him a message asking if I had done something wrong, he ignored this message too, until around midnight, he replied:
“Hey no you haven’t done anything wrong.
I don’t really know how to say this, but I think yesterday and today I’ve just come to the realisation that I’m not ready, or wanting a relationship or anything just yet. My biggest priority right now is myself and my job and throwing a relationship into the mix just wouldn’t be fair. So you definitely haven’t done anything wrong. Like I feel awful but just wanted to tell you”
I replied saying that I understand and that if he still wanted to chat or hang out as friends, then I’d be happy to – he read this message and did not reply.
I didn’t hear from him for two days, so I messaged him saying that I was assuming our trip wasn’t going ahead so could I have the money back please, and he said that’s fine he would transfer it back, so I sent him my bank details but he still hasn’t opened the message after 24 hours.
TLDR; I started speaking to a guy, and things seemed like they were going quite well as we were speaking pretty much every day, and then I suddenly got ghosted.
What I don’t understand is:
– If I genuinely haven’t done anything wrong, why doesn’t he want to even speak to me anymore?
– What on earth happened to go from speaking every day for almost a month to suddenly being ghosted
4 comments
Usual reasons for people who ghost:
1) They don’t care about you at all
2) They are cowards who are scared of telling you their true intentions
3) They got everything they wanted from you and now you’re tossed aside
Maybe he’s the 3rd option?
Did you ever receive any proof that the booking was made and paid for? That would at least help clarify if he’s a scammer.
Fellow gay male here….I know how you feel as I was in this position a few years back the difference being you NEVER send someone money you barely know
I’m sorry to tell you I don’t think you’re going to see it again or you’re going to have to take him to small claims to try and get it back assuming you have documentation for it…..
If someone is really into you….You know…..My first date with my partner was supposed to be a beer at a local bar in mid afternoon and 8 hours and 2 venues later we just kinda knew
Basically if he’s not replying back to you it makes me wonder if he’s got someone in every city (being his job is in travel) and you deserve someone who can’t wait to see you again
Don’t give up, I promise you the best is yet to come and this guy will be that story you tell in years to come of the bullet you dodged!
Ghosting has become a real problem, and I totally get the psychological toll it can have, but I’ve delt with coping through it in a couple ways.
First, I realized that no matter how upset I got about it, it wasn’t worth getting worked up over, clearly it wasn’t a thing meant to be. Heck I’ve had super successful dates (sometimes even multiple,) agreed to see each other later, and then poof.
All this leads up to the second thing, which is just tempering my expectations in regards to dating. Not everyone is in the same game out there and I get that, but I wish more people were up front about what they really wanted, as I find holding back on what is important will get you nothing in the end.
Now that does not stop them from being dishonest about what they want to get to whatever they want and toss you aside, but all we can do is hope for karma to deal with those types.