Hello, I am 25 and have had some pretty major surgeries. 2 spine and 1 brain.
In the last 3 months I finally figured out how to workout properly at the gym with my conditions as well as diet. I’ve lost 65+ pounds
I also started to read more. Even got a library card to keep up with my book interests. (She got one with me but hasn’t checked out a book or been back since)
But this is where all the problems have started. My girlfriend of 4 years has started to become increasingly more insecure in a way I don’t understand. We have argued over me going to the gym more times than I’d even like to admit or understand. If I want to spend time at the library reading that’s even a problem, or even going alone.
It’s made me feel guilty about FINALLY being able to be at a place in my life where I can do these things. Sometimes I won’t go or talk about these things to her.
I thought she was supposed to be happy for me.
I simply don’t know what the cause is. I asked if she thinks I’m going to leave her once I’m in a better place for someone else and she said that wasn’t it.
Does anyone have advice or things I should talk to her about? Or ask?
Tl;dr: girlfriend of 4 years has become very insecure after I’ve started working on myself. Said it didn’t have anything to do with me leaving her for someone better after I get better. Any advice?
3 comments
How has the balance of you time to quality time with her shifted?
She’s clearly feeling insecure that you are getting fit and going places where you can interact with women who may now find you attractive- I know she said that wasn’t it but… it is. Or she’s upset that you’re spending time away from her.
What’s her life like, outside of you? Are you her whole life? Is she unsatisfied with her life, is she stagnant, does she have goals she’d like to reach but doesn’t put effort into them, or she’s tried but hasn’t achieved them yet, etc?
The reason I ask is, let’s say her response is true at face value – she’s not worried your self-improvement is going to lead you to find someone else “better.” If that’s not the problem, maybe it’s that she hates change and she wants her relationship with you to be the same way it’s been for the last 4 years. Or maybe you’re the center of her universe and she doesn’t know what to do with herself if you’re not there.
Or maybe she’s unwittingly and unintentionally jealous of the way you’ve bettered yourself and taken control of your life. She’s not sabotaging you by guilting you into eating pizza or anything like that, but she might be uncomfortable with your self-improvements because it holds a mirror up to herself. Same way that someone who is very mehhhh about their job, but isn’t doing anything about it, is too scared to, is procrastinating, etc. might avoid social media because they don’t want to see other people posting about their new jobs or promotions. It makes them feel bad so they don’t want to see it. Maybe she feels bad about your self-improvements so she’s on some level trying to decrease her visibility to it.
And if she’s doing well in her own life, then maybe she’s uncomfortable with the change in the dynamic between you two. Like how some partners actually like the dynamic of being a caretaker for the other person, and then if the other person doesn’t need so much caretaking anymore, it throws the partner for a big loop.
There are so many things that could be going on, and she has to figure that out and communicate it. You can’t guess accurately. So I guess my bottom line point is, try talking to her about the obvious recalibration of your lifestyle and impact to the relationship. Be clear that things have changed – you have changed – but you’re just as committed to the relationship as ever, and you want to find the new balance with her. You guys can find a good compromise, but she has to be willing to work with you, not try to keep things how they were before. Change is inevitable. Change has already happened.
ETA – I didn’t mean she’s self-sabotaging you, she can only self-sabotage herself, lol.