I’ve (29F )been sleeping with my guy friend (29M) “Ben“ for the last 5 years . My friend “Ash”recently met Ben and they hit it off on a trip . My relationship withBen hasn’t changed even though Ash recently flew out to see Ben(they spent a week together in Airbnb ) & is flying out to see Ben again soon. Me and Ben have plans to be intimate next time see each other and we also are going to spend Xmas together.Ash doesn’t know the extent is our situation. Ben and Ash going with the flow .My cousin Alex is Ash’s best friend and found out about me & Ben and is angry with me for still having a relationship with Ben & feels bad that Ash is flying out see a Ben. She wants to tell Ash about Ben but is worried about losing her as a friend and wants me to also stop sleeping with Ben…I like what I have with Ben and wish Ash hasn’t didn’t come in to this.
I know this is a mess and I look like a bad person. I don’t know how at this point I can smooth and diffuse this situation with out everything blowing up.
TL;DR! in a messy situation that’s getting messier.
38 comments
So…what’s your question?
You weren’t honest with your friend from the start – and she probably wouldn’t have got involved if she knew that you were fuck buddies…certainly if she knew you wanted to **continue** it after she started something with him.
You’re the problem – not because you want to continue doing what you’ve always been doing…but because you ultimately have been deceiving Ash about the extent of your relationship – and now you’re either going to have to come clean or you’ll keep deceiving her.
Either way, the failure to fill her in doesn’t reflect well on you.
Your a shitty friend and an incredibly selfish person.
With friends like you and Ben. Who needs enemies!
respectfully fuck you
You should tell her the real relationship and if she is serious about a relationship with him, step aside. If you value her friendship. If you don’t, then most of what you posted is irrelevant.
You and “Ben” are cut from the same mold, so just get into a real relationship with him already and spare others from both your nonsense.
Your not even a real friend at all because if you were you would’ve told Ash from the start about you and ben you both are just complete trash
I know I look like a bad person, but how can I avoid the consequences for my actions?
you should have been honest with her from the get go that you and Ben are fwb. the longer you take to tell her, the more of an asshole you are
Everyone here hating on OP while Ben is playing the game.
Real friends don’t keep secrets. You should have told her about your relationship with him when you found out those two were starting to hit it off. The fact that you are still trying to keep it a secret tells me that you don’t plan to stop and are ok with her getting attached and even more heartbroken when she does find out.
REAL FRIENDS DONT KEEP SECRETS! I.E. if you are trying to keep this a secret then you aren’t actually her friend! You are actively going behind her back and hiding the reality so you can keep doing whatever you want without her getting upset. That’s selfish, not caring.
You really should come clean. I saw a comment you stated that you just found out they ate still talking. So now is your time to fill her in.
Do t play your friend or let this dude play her. Now if she doesn’t care different story but I doubt that’s the issue.
What does Ben want? Does he feel bad lying to Ash as well. If you have any self respect you’ll be honest with your friends. I don’t think there is a way to smooth out the fact that you’ve both been lying to her by omission and sleeping together behind her back. Why wouldn’t you have told Ash about you arrangement with Ben before introducing them?
that poor girl is being played by her supposed friend and the guy she likes. i hope she cuts the both of you assholes off and meet some genuine people.
Please don’t drop Ben. You two deserve each other. Just tell Ash the truth and stop fooling her.
So she isn’t your friend? If she was your friend you would’ve told her that you were fuck buddies with him the moment she started to show interest, instead of secretly carrying on being fuck buddies behind her back with absolutely no regard for her feelings. You do look like a bad person, in this situation you are.
You can’t smooth it over, but what you can do is tell your friend, before this goes any further, she deserves that.
I mean tell her and he seems like a bad guy for leading her on unless she knows he’s sleeping with other people?
Start by telling your friend you’ve been sleeping with Ben for 5 years. That should’ve been your first move.
Girl you’re 29 years old did you really need to come on reddit to have someone tell you this. Just tell her and see what happens.
This is why you don’t have secret relationships! Next time you will be Ash, it’s not fun!
You can be sister wives!! Fess up and propose to them both.
Seriously though, please fess up.
I mean, you probably should’ve tipped your friend off that you and Ben are fuck buddies as soon as you got wind of her being into him. Ben’s the biggest asshole in this situation, but you’re a real shit friend if you don’t let Ash know what’s up ASAP. It may be too late to salvage your friendship with her now, but she deserves to know she’s wasting time and emotions on this douche. If you can’t suck it up and come clean to her, then you’re a complete asshole.
Girl karma is gonna hit you hard!!!!
Forget the messiness and the judgment and the whatever.
Do you want Ben to stop this thing with Ash? If so, are you willing to ask him?
If they start dating more seriously, will you keep sleeping with him?
If he tells you to stop, because he has feelings for Ash, will you accept it?
Have you tried dating anyone else in those 5 years? If so, were you sleeping with Ben on the side?
What if, while you have feelings, for Ben it’s 100% physical and he just wants to keep sleeping with you until he finds someone he cares about? How would that make you feel?
What does Ben say?
If they end up together how would that make you feel?
Is there a reason why you two are on and off and also a secret?
I don’t think you’re a bad person for having consensual sex with someone. But it would be mature to have set some boundaries and have some more honest conversations.
Why is Girl Code so hard for people to grasp?
Ok…this is a huge pile of shit. You need to be honest about what you want from Ben. You’re certainly allowed to have casual sex with someone but not for 5 years!! Hello! You’re clearly in a relationship with him.
Be be the bigger person and remove yourself from this scenario!! You may not realize it now but if you handle this the wrong way it will be part of your legacy forever. It sounds like you’re all part of the same group and you’ll only end up looking like a shitty person. People won’t forget.
No one gives a fuck about Ben. He’s the guy hooking up with two girls while having a blast. Look out for yourself before it’s too late.
So I know I should be the bigger person and say stop sleeping with Ben but I’m sure it’s good! Now Why didn’t Ben mention this to Ash? Does Ben have feelings for Ash? Has he mentioned it, has he told you he wants the sexual relationship to end? How good of a friend is Ash to you? Personally if Ben doesn’t have feelings for Ash & she has her own thing going on..Either way I’d definitely sleep with Ben & keep this between you too. Alex on the other hand needs to stay out of your business and find his own friend. So do you and Ben have more feelings that what you too are sharing?
You seem like a hell of a good friend
You’re a horrible friend. Sure, you don’t have to change the nature of your relationship with Ben just because Ash likes him. But you SHOULD HAVE told her the nature of your relationship with him when she indicated that she liked him. While I think Ben’s the bigger asshole here, you’re no prize as a friend either.
Honestly, you and Ben deserve each other. I hope Ash finds out what a douche he is and finds someone else.
>wish Ash hasn’t didn’t come in to this.
It’s much too late for that. If she were my friend, and I knew her to be more traditional, I’d have left off sleeping with Ben after that trip. In Ben’s shoes, I’d have left off sleeping with you if I were sincerely interested in your friend. Do you resent Ash for offering Ben dating, when you’re only offering fwb? Do you wish Ben would date you, so you’re trying to interfere with their chances together?
I agree with the cousin, you need to tell Ash, and probably apologize. I think you’ll have a better apology once you figure out why you’ve kept sleeping with Ben.
You should have just told Ash that you had a sexual relationship with Ben when they told you they liked Ben….
What do you value you more? Your friendship with Ash or your situationship with Ben?
You get to have one, not both. That’s the situation you’re in.
Is there a reason you refuse to tell your friend about Ben? It’s so shady. Both you and Ben.
Call a spade a spade! After five years you are in a non monogamous relationship with Ben.
You can wish all you like, but Ash HAS “come into” the situation and deserves to know the set up.
You should’ve been upfront with your “friend” from the beginning and told her the real extent of your relationship with Ben
you’re bad.. but ben is probably the worst. he knows what’s he’s doing
Oh man playa!
Ben should be honest with Ash that he is sleeping with you. Tell him if he doesn’t let Ash know you will.
Both of you are horrible for not telling your supposed friend. You have zero respect for her and she deserves better.