I (29F) feel too indebted to my BF (31M) to break up with him

23 comments

1. This sounds awful, can you communicate this to him? I bet he would be willing to try and meet you with less routine rather than loose you altogether. It’s not uncommon to suddenly realize you’ve been compromising, try to even out the playing field. It’s fine if he doesn’t want you to lift a finger but if that’s not what you want then he should understand that and be supportive. TBH I hope you guys can work this out. Love ebbs and flows, do you wanna throw this out just to fall out of love eventually again or, is that part of the whole no routine thing for you?

2. Why did you let him pay for ALL your expenses and even college fees? I get that he may have offered, but a relationship is about 2 equal voices. You could have said you didn’t want it, especially knowing he had a blue collar job and was working to put himself through school too.

   While the hurt can’t be repaired on the spot… if money is a big part of what you feel you owe him, how would you feel about returning him a significant sum out of goodwill? Do you have savings from the period where he covered all your expenses or from your new job?

3. Tough situation, but I will say this. Don’t stay with someone just because you feel indebted to them. That will just make you miserable and if he ever found out that that’s why you’re still in relationship, it’ll hurt big time. He’ll get over the break up and the longer you stay together, the harder it will be.

4. Offer to pay him back for the schooling he paid for. And then move on.

   Everyone feels guilty when breaking up when they consider all the good times. But you can’t really repay that. You can definitely repay the money he spent though.

   You guys are not compatible and you want to be friends. That’s it.

   Please done be a horrible person and cheat on him. Also, there is no “proper reason” to break up. This is a valid reason.

5. That’s tough. A very tough situation. Either way OP, everyone is going to give you shit for the rest of your life for not sticking by him. People are like that. You can break his heart and he shut himself off from every girl after, or you can go about by saying that you still love him but you’re no longer in love with him. Ask for a break or something. Sometimes we think we want this but we are just bored of ourselves. There’s a possibility that you think you want spontaneousness but we as humans don’t like change, we say we do, but we don’t.

6. Breaking up with someone is on your own prerogative and you can offer to repay him over time if that would help you feel un-indebted to him.

   But also know that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

7. Leave him (kindly, although I’m sure you would judging by your post) but set up a payment plan to him for your college tuition.

8. So before you hit the ejection button, have you considered therapy or counseling? Even if it is for an unbiased opinion about how you are feeling? Perhaps there are strategies that someone could suggest that maybe would help mitigate how you are feeling?

   So maybe you feel shitty for leaving. How would you feel to continue to stay with someone and not give them the best version that you could? I’m not suggesting that you cheat or anything. I’m saying if you’re unhappy, you may not be giving your best.

   I think in the end you need to do what is best for you. And while he has supported you and that “debt” could never be paid back sufficiently ,not necessarily monetarily, maybe he wants your happiness.

   I gotta think that perhaps this needs to be discussed with him. Give him a chance to understand how you are feeling and possibly change the “routine” if he chooses . I think you owe him at least that.

9. Pay back the money he spent, say sorry and move on.

10. Don’t have the affair. That would be an even more hurtful way of telling him it’s over.

    You obviously do need to have the talk. You have equally obviously been thinking about this a lot, and it seems to me that the feelings are gone. So you just have to tell him that the feelings are gone, and that they’re not coming back. Don’t go into a lot of detail, because it would suggest that he should change. He shouldn’t. He seems like a great guy as he is. You’ve just finally realized that he’s not your guy.

    Accept the responsibility for this. Accept that there’s no way out of this that isn’t going to hurt him. The only consolation for you both is that dragging it out would make it even worse. And by all means offer to square things up financially when you can.

11. Pay back Ur college fee and then move on.

12. >The reason why I fell out of love with him is because it got very repetitive and it was only recently I found out that I’m not really a routine person while that’s the only lifestyle my bf knows since he always had to fend for himself and I’m sure he won’t change his ways.

    Many adults have repetitive, routine lives. We work, we eat, we have hobbies, we sometimes go on holiday. What kinds of things, specifically, would you want to change about your life together? What about the routine would you like to shake up? And have you talked to him about this? You assume he would not change but you don’t know that – and in fact he has shown he is able to change things! He went to school, he got his bachelor’s, he made changes in his life!

    >honestly I’ve even thought of having an affair just so that he can leave me without turning back

    Please do not do this. That is absolutely not a good choice to make.

13. Routine isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes people that are used to chaos and toxicity in past relationships can be uncomfortable when there is peace in a current relationship. I recommend you consider therapy to really dive into the feelings you have before pressing the eject button.

    INFO: Is there any other reason you lost your feelings other than routine?

14. First of all the not having to lift a finger thing is fucking dumb. Those are his ideas about relationships and he did it out of love. At the time you loved him as well. That’s how it was and you don’t owe him shit for that.

    The paying for your college thing is different. You should probably consider working out a payment plan with him to pay him back, since he probably did that because he believed yall would be married some day.

    Also, how is the orphanage part relevant? You don’t owe him because his life was shitty.

15. To all my guys that are seeing this post. Observe and Learn!!!😔😔

16. reading OP’s comments and i don’t understand them at all. Because of the life your peers live, you believe something is missing from your life? OP just break up with him. I don’t understand your mindset at all. It honestly sounds like you’re bored after you made it in the corporate scene. He’s been a hard worker all his life. You can communicate this with him and work on adding excitement but the fact that you even suggested having an affair so he can have a reason to break up with you….good lord just break up.

17. not to say you intentionally did this, but it will seem very suspicious to him that, after being financially dependent on this dude for years, you finally have your own money and are no longer in love with him

    there is an inescapable conclusion that he will 100% draw that you were just using him when you needed something from him, and now that you don’t, you want out

    he will see it as he offered you stability and support when you needed it, put you through school and paid for everything for years, and now you resent and find boring that stability because you don’t need it anymore

    to be fair, him paying for things does not entitle him to your love, and if you’re not in love you should leave… but just be prepared for him to be crushed because you let him support you that way for years, you accepted it, and now that you got a fancy job and new friends with a higher standard of living, you’re leaving this blue collar dude behind

    sucks but it is what it is. you should pay him back what you can, at least to save him from the feeling of being used for a decade

18. Op u r a disgusting person and a leech.

    Stop making excuses and return all the money your BF wasted on u .

    Gold digger.

    YTA

19. D*mn… offer to pay him back for what he paid & then leave him so he can find someone better, that does love him. & you can find your own happiness.

20. I can’t speak how to gently exit your situation, but I will tell you that if you think relationships are supposed to be wild and fun for the entire duration and won’t ever get boring you may need to seek therapy. Healthy relationships are meant to be more or less routine, monotony, and being consistent over and over again. Are you sure you’re out of love, or you’re just bored and thinking that starting over would be a fun adventure?

    You’re free to leave any relationship regardless of what the other person has invested of their own free will. To some this decision might not make a whole lot of sense, but if you’re truly no longer in love with him then you owe it to him to allow him to stop paying for someone who doesn’t love him. But I would tell you to take a step back and really think about your motivations for wanting to move on.

21. I’ve read through some comments and it sounds a bit like you are suffering a bit from fomo, both in regards to staying or leaving. First of all the grass isn’t always greener and you might be romanticizing ideas of what your life could look like without him. You compare your life to others, but a lot of people tend to paint a prettier picture of their life than what is reality. Its hard to tell if your life will improve or if you’ll end up regretting it. On the other hand it doesn’t really seem fair to him to keep him in a relationship where you don’t have those feelings and don’t like being with him. He seems like a good guy that deserves to be loved. Although it will hurt him if you leave, at least he’ll have a chance at finding someone who will love him and cherish him.

    My suggestion to you would be to seek out some individual therapy to get help figuring out what you really want in life. Or if you decide you want to stay you need to communicate with him, perhaps go to some couples therapy to try find a way you both are happy.

    I think the whole issue of the debt shouldn’t be holding you back. Both of you deserve happiness in life. If you end up leaving just offer a financial agreement and try to put it behind you, that is the only option you have. Staying with him without any real love or happiness isn’t gonna be a great life for either of you.

    Wish you the best of luck

22. Wow people suck! How shallow u are! YTA! He deserves so much better! Selling family heirlooms for you! Omg the fact girls like you exist makes me worried for humankind in our age!

23. You’re going to learn the hard way that the grass isn’t greener somewhere else. Once you realize you made a mistake, I hope he doesn’t take you back.