I [28F] just got married 2 years ago. I work in corporate and had a crush on a boss [43M] there before. He’s not my boss directly but someone very senior in the company. He’s attractive, fit, extremely charismatic, and definitely someone who is very good at what he does. He was very kind and encouraging to me even when I was just starting out and even stood up for me/protected me multiple times. Took the time to mentor me and cheer me on when I was really down. I started having a crush on him eventually because he was always kind of playful, joking around always, and generous with his compliments. He was a smooth talker and would be messaging me in social media platforms as well to make small talk. He is a married man with kids. I may be biased with how I am sharing this story and his actions may have been completely platonic but it had an effect on me. I never suggested anything though and would never even think of doing anything because we are both married and I know that will definitely have a negative impact to my career. He left a while back and now reconnected with me recently because of work. Now to my husband [29M]. He’s a very kind, attractive man as well. He understands me, takes really good care of me, patient, loving, and supports me in everything I do. However, he’s still struggling financially and I’ve been supporting us mostly ever since we got married. The thing is, when my previous boss was still in our company, I felt very dettached from my husband. I couldn’t see him as someone that was very attractive because my judgement was clouded by the fact that I had to support him financially because he’s earning so little. I basically wear the pants and also give the final decisions in our married life. That is just how our dynamic is based on our personalities. He’s quite timid and submissive. There were days when I would ask myself if this is really how I envisioned my life to be. That I would be the one supporting my husband and not vice versa. This was exacerbated by the presence of the ex-boss in my life before who was the opposite of my husband. My husband is mostly silent and ex-boss is very good with words. I knew he was earning A LOT and we had this dynamic of him being the more powerful one and was kind of my knight in shining armor in the workplace whenever I needed it. When he left, things also became a lot better with how I saw my husband and our relationship. However, now that ex-boss and I reconnected (purely work related), I’m starting to feel that dettachment again. I’m comparing him a lot again to my ex-boss and starting see him differently again. My frustrations about needing to be the dominant one and being the main provider is getting bad again.
I’ve been trying to talk myself into just getting over this crush but I feel like the crush is just a manifestation of something deeper. Please help suggest ways for me to get over this and restore my relationship with my loving husband!
17 comments
Your old boss has had an extra decade to raise his income than your husband has. If they were the same age, it would make more sense to compare them, although this is neither healthy or fair to your husband. You’re comparing two people in very different stages of life, apples and oranges.
I agree with the previous comment. My husband makes way more money now in his 40’s than he did when he was in his 20’s.
The grass is always greener.
You’re only seeing his good side at work. You have no idea how he actually is. A lot of times very charismatic and charming people are also higher in narcissistic traits.
I agree with the others. You are comparing your husband with a man 14 years his senior. I was with my husband when he was 28 and at 43. Let me tell you- these are two different men. He is way more confident, secure, more handsome and early in our marriage he struggled with his career and at 43? Was well respected, senior employee making almost 10 times more. And yes, in the beginning of our marriage I made more amd he had a couple bouts of unemployment but we were a team so we pushed and grew together. He grew into himself and thrived. You are also seeing what this man wants others to see. You really have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
Go look in the mirror and ask yourself how your husband would look at you if he realized you’re lusting after a coworker.
Now go look at your husband and then go imagine he’s lusting after a coworker! Yeah, you feel that?
Rage, disgust, hatred?
Yep, that’s what you deserve right now and unless you fix it quickly you’re the reason your marriage will fail.
As previous commenters have said, it isn’t fair to compare your husband and ex-boss at such different points in their life and career.
In addition, have you considered the possibility that what makes him attractive to you in the workplace might be at the expense of his home life? To succeed in many fields guys are expected to work extra hours, network constantly, travel for work whenever necessary, etc. Don’t idolize the idea of a guy who has maximized his earning potential, when that can sometimes minimize his presence and support as a husband and father.
Others will always appear more attractive (,you don’t really know them or their faults).
No spouse can compete with another.
You couldnt compete with another woman.
It’s unfair and inappropriate to compare a spouse.
Currently, your thinking is high risk to cheat. Not just with the Ex boss. You need therapy.
Your boss sending you messages outside of work through your socials is highly inappropriate. This is where emotional and physical affairs begin. It sounds like you were in an emotional affair with your boss, at least in your mind.
For your husband’s sake, please cut off all contact with this dude. Or go ahead and have the affair you’ve been dreaming about, but set your husband free.
Let’s not kid ourselves here. You are fantasizing about this guy. If he were to make an offer you’d jump on it in a heartbeat. That’s a dangerous place to be for someone in a committed monogamous relationship.
No contact – focus on watering your own grass.
>However, now that ex-boss and I reconnected (purely work related), I’m starting to feel that dettachment again. I’m comparing him a lot again to my ex-boss and starting see him differently again. My frustrations about needing to be the dominant one and being the main provider is getting bad again.
I’ve been trying to talk myself into just getting over this crush but I feel like the crush is just a manifestation of something deeper.
First, it isn’t purely work related, only because you are choosing to make it into something else, even if that’s just in your own mind. Things don’t just happen, so take some responsibility for the beast you’re choosing to feed and stop feeding it. It is monstrously unfair to compare this guy, where he is in life, and his interactions with you to your husband. He has 10+ years on your husband. He’s in a position of authority in the company that is higher than you so of course he is more dominant, it’s part of his career! You also are only interacting with him in brief windows of the day. You don’t know what he’s like 24/7 or outside of that environment like you know your husband. You aren’t around to see his faults.
IDK what you have to do to break the crush, but it’s 100% on you to do it. I’d bet you’d be absolutely gutted if your husband was constantly comparing you to a younger, more beautiful woman at his work and was cataloguing all the ways he found you lacking.
I mean, what you’re seeing of your boss isn’t even him 🤷♀️ You know nothing about who he actually is. Maybe he’s a man who goes home and drinks a 24 pack of beer and pass3s out.. maybe he beats his kids or his wife… your thoughts are all fantasy. Stop fantasizing about a man you know nothing about and jump back into reality with the man, who just two short years ago, you promised forever to. Not forever.. or until someone else comes along.
I had a coworker, 22F. Just beautiful. She was always smiling, perky, complimented me every day. She’d bring in baked good a few times a week and share with the office. I just can’t help feeling detached from my wife (32f). She rarely makes baked goods, and often seems distracted by our kids and working around our house. While pleasant, she’s not nearly as perky or persistently optimistic as my coworker. It’s hard not to compare them.
This is how you sound.
I think your just fixated on what your husband is laking and you see what you want in your boss it’s easy for you to out line that with your working history. I suggest talking to your husband just because he doesn’t make the same money as you doesn’t mean he can’t also share in making choices and whatever you mean by “married life decisions”
I also would like to add *
Have you considered BSDM / power play / kink or some from of you husband dominating you in bed? Maybe if he dominates you in bed it will shift the power dynamics enough for you to feel the way you think you would with your boss crush. 🤷🏻♀️
This worked well for my husband and I not every time we’re intimate but as much as I like, my husband is also slightly reserved and I even go so far as to say traditional . Im in corporate and I find myself making choices all day / leading projects /managing leaves me drained and the last thing I want is to make any more choices when I get home.
I have a few different kinky things I like but most of all I like it when my husband controls four play and my climax . Your husband can provide Many many different type of power play and dominance without degradation.
Take a picture of you and your husband on your wedding day and put it on your desk. Any time you start to “day dream” (and ALL OF THIS is a daydream, not reality), look at the man you promised to love, cherish and stay faithful to. And if that doesn’t work, think of your boss in boxers, a T-shirt with pizza stains, a beer in his hand and the smell of farts when the dog passes by. You only see your boss at his absolute BEST. Give your husband some slack and ask him what he needs to succeed and HELP HIM DO THAT as a partner in life.
If the crush is a manifestation of something deeper then you need to address that.
Are you okay making more than your husband? Are you okay with living with a more mild / quiet person? Will you regret staying with him ten years from now when you have more shared responsibilities? (pets, assets, children, etc…) and feel 100 times more stuck than you do now?
Restoring your relationship is a matter of communication and dating your spouse. Getting to know and appreciating them again, spending quality time with them and finding mutual activities to engage in.
BUT that only matters if you actually want to stay with him, and as you said, it sounds like possibly that’s not the case.
You know, you have some serious integrity problems. Period. If your boss is, who you say he is, I don’t think he’ll be your “knight” once he sees this side of you. You knew exactly what you were marrying. Based on your description your husband deserves better.
So.
I personally hope you have the balls to divorce him first before you blow up your life. Sadly I don’t think you will.
You have no respect for your husband. It oozes out of this post like pus from an open wound. I can just imagine your dynamic at home. Snapping at him when he doesn’t do what you want. Deflecting questions when others might ask what he does for a living because you’re ashamed of him. You probably get irritated when husband touches you and brush him off, thinking about this other guy. Maybe you start fights so you have an excuse to be more distant from your husband and thus, in your mind, further idolize Mr Bossman. This is not healthy at all. Question is, why did you marry a guy for whom you apparently hold no respect?
Either work on this marriage and accept your husband as he is and not basing his worth to you on how much he makes, or get out of it and chase after the big cahunas you apparently want.
Your ex-boss has traits you admire and respect. He probably got to where he is because he is smart, works hard, attractive, charismatic and a good leader. Forget where things are today with you husband and who makes what, think your question is whether your husband has the drive to ever be that kind of guy.
Before you answer, you are young and here is what you need to realize about the whole situation….
Most people like your ex-boss didn’t start off that way. They had drive, but may have started out as an insecure geek and at the bottom of the food chain at work. They had to work on themselves and their profession, pay their dues (i.e. work long hours and make sacrifices) to climb the corporate ladder, and very importantly — had the support and encouragement of a wife who wanted the same thing and was willing to make the sacrifice. It didn’t just happen.It was a team effort.
At this point you are just seeing the end result and the good side. You are not seeing the negative side or what he may have been like at home for the last 15 years when the dues had to be paid. You do not see everything it took and all the sacrifices that had to be made to get there. Maybe his wife had to sacrifice her career for the benefit of his and had to spend many nights alone or without any help with the kids for years. Is this something you would be willing to do? The grass is always greener until you get there.