Hey all!
Posting on my throwaway because I really do not want my friend to see this. Lately, I’ve been having a lot of conflicts with a friend, let’s call her Jesse, that I really just do not know how to prevent or even process. Often, she will bring up something I did or said months prior and tell me what I meant by it.
For example, a friend of mine that she knows (I wouldn’t say they were friends) had a party and did not invite Jesse. A few months later, she told me that I didn’t invite her because I’m trying to separate her from my other friends and that I’ve been excluding her. When I tried to share that I was sorry I made her feel that way, but I was NOT trying to separate them, it just wasn’t my party, she said that its an example of intent vs. impact, and that’s how it landed on her and I’m not being accountable. To be clear I was not saying that not being invited wasn’t hurtful or even saying that my intention was not to be hurtful. Just that I was not trying to separate her.
This is just one instance of the constant conflict but that’s normally how it goes. I said or did something hurtful, she tells me what I meant by said thing and then tells me I’m not accountable and sometimes says I’m gaslighting her.
I’m really struggling with this concept. I understand that impact is more important than intent, but it’s difficult when she is not telling me the impact but is telling me what my intent was. This is especially difficult when the intent she’s telling me I had was mean-spirited (I’m letting her know she’s dumb, I think people don’t like her and I’m secretly trying to tell her that). It’s not enough to say “that action/thing I said was hurtful and I’m sorry”, if I don’t tell her I was doing what she said I was doing, I’m not being accountable. It’s making it very hard to be around her because I’m constantly afraid of how what I say or do will land on her. Should I just apologize and tell her I was doing those things?
TL:DR: My friend will accuse me of having a certain intent when I hurt her and will tell me I’m not being accountable if I tell her I did not have that intent.
8 comments
What kind of friendship is this that you’re having this discussion so frequently? If she feels so constantly hurt by you, then she probably shouldn’t be your friend.
I don’t mean that to say you’re actually being a bad friend, she might just be a really unreasonable person, but regardless of who is at fault, it doesn’t sound like a good friendship for anybody if feelings are always getting hurt.
I’d avoid getting into the argument about intent vs impact, because it won’t be productive. I’d instead focus on whether or not there’s merit behind her feelings (i.e., is it reasonable that she feels left out). And if you self reflect and think no, you’re actually being a very good friend, then I’d focus on whether or not this friendship is continuing to benefit you.
Your friend is severely insecure and paranoid, and needs to treat her mental health issues. She’s trying to insist that your actions are due to an intent you don’t have and doesn’t believe you when you disagree. In the instance of the party, you were right not to invite her to your friend’s party, but she perceived it as a slight because she’s jealous and possessive of you- when you tried to explain, she ignored you and tried to convince you that you were hurting her- that’s actually gaslighting, so for her to accuse you of that is ironic.
You should take a huge step back from her. Stick to the truth. Do not lie to appease her (it won’t appease her anyways if you agree with her, her anxiety and paranoia will just pivot) and acknowledge that truth means you two need to take time apart.
She doesn’t believe you when you speak. She isn’t extending you the kind of trust that friendships need to be based on — a bit of the benefit of the doubt and an assumption that your intent is not harmful.
Tell her you are being as honest with her as you can be, and if she doesn’t believe you, then you both should take distance and time apart. She deserves a friend who doesn’t bear her ill-will, and you deserve a friend who respects and trusts you when you speak.
Very bizarre friendship if the majority of the time you spend together is conflict. You’ve got to protect yourself in this situation. Be honest with yourself and your friend, maybe it’s just time to move on. Just one of those things that happens as we age. Best of luck
Friendship should not be this exhausting.
She sounds exhausting.
>she said that its an example of intent vs. impact, and that’s how it landed on her and I’m not being accountable
“No, you’re making mistaken assumption about my intent, and based on that wrong interpretation are then implying it’s my responsibility. Someone else had a party and didn’t invite you. That lack of invitation isn’t my responsibility, it’s not me doing anything to you or against you. You feeling hurt because you weren’t invited is a shame, but take it up with [friend] rather than trying to twist things so it’s somehow my fault. Your interpretation is wrong, and the fact that you’re both jumping to conclusions and doing so after *months* makes me feel like you’re just looking for conflict for some reason.”
She’s making all this shit up in her head then getting mad about it, is the short version. She’s not giving you the benefit of the doubt, she’s not even open to listening to your side. She’s focusing all her energy on “I feel hurt, and it’s your job to make up for that”. **It isn’t.**
No don’t apologise. Tell her that she’s being difficult and her behaviour makes you not want to be around her or tell her things. Tell her if she wants to feel heard and understood, you deserve the same treatment from her. Which means her not telling you what your intent was. She needs to **listen** at least as much as she’s dictating to you. She needs to understand and hear you and have a conversation, not state facts which aren’t fact and get mad about it.
Stop getting defensive, stop engaging with the premise of her accusations. If she says “you’re trying to exclude me”, simply say “no I wasn’t, stop making assumptions about my intention. If you feel hurt let’s talk about that, but it doesn’t mean I hurt you.” She sounds exhausting and oversensitive and is looking to blame you for that rather than recognise it’s her own flawed internal processing at fault. There’s no way to “win” with people like this – even if you apologise, that will just be used as “evidence” that you’ve hurt her, and she’ll then double down on how you’re a bad friend or you’re hurtful.
If I claim you owe me $20 when you don’t, and you give me $10 just to smooth things over, pretty soon you’ll be bankrupt **and** I’ll still be mad at you for not giving me enough money. Exactly the same with emotional energy too. Don’t play her game. Whether she’s deliberately or accidentally manipulative isn’t your problem. Don’t even try and operate on her terms. Reject the core premise of her upsets.
She’s weaponizing and misusing phrases so that she feels right.
Intent vs. impact is an important concept. She seems to think that intent is irrelevant and impact is all that matters. She should accept it when you say, “I’m sorry my actions had that impact, that was not my intent.” Instead she says that you even bringing up your intent is not holding yourself accountable? That’s not how it works.
Then she misuses “gaslighting.” That’s such a buzzword now that I’m afraid people are rendering the word meaningless. If you’re validating her experience, then sharing your experience, you are not gaslighting. She doesn’t get to tell you what your intent is, and she doesn’t get to argue with you about your intent.
If she’s so convinced you’re hurting her feelings on purpose, why doesn’t she end the friendship?
I actually worry it is a step deeper than just manipulating that analogy.
This is her bringing up something random from months ago with a complete assessment of what are pretty much paranoid assumptions about your motivations. That means she has been stewing on this. Maybe not for months, but clearly long enough recently that she works up the gall to take a swing at you with it. Don’t be distracted by her rhetoric, the fact she brought it up at all and that she jumped to the worst conclusion is a huge concern especially unprompted. Going to guess this is the trend as well, seemingly unrelated or insignificant events being reported as instances you ought to apologise for, long enough ago you don’t fully recall or feel the need to dig into so you roll with it.
I get the sense that she is an anxious person, maybe even narcissistic given she seems to want to frame everything in victim terms. It isn’t enough she wasn’t invited, it was that it was a specific plot on your behalf to hurt her. That is deeply unhealthy thinking and while I appreciate you attempting to console her on the surface level the fact she can get herself to that place in her own mind is the real problem.
>says I’m gaslighting her.
Be aware a lot of manipulators latch on to terms like this and misuse them. I am not sure what she thinks the term means but the one being gaslit here is you. Gaslighting is the attempt to make the victim question their own perceptions and sanity, thus making them more likely to defer to the opinions and instructions of the manipulator. She is making you question your own perception via a rhetoric device and to essentially rewrite your own history to align with her desire to establish a narrative of you being toxic in order to enable her own victim complex. While you can argue semantics or pedantry of the phrasing in the end she is arguing in bad faith.
Just be careful. I worry this is significantly more toxic than you hope.