Now some of the oddest scenarios get a fiery reaction out of her. She used to be the sweetest thing, now it is extremely hard to have a conversation with her. Uncomfortable conversations that ask for action or change & questionable or curious thoughts that I share PISS HER OFF. If it isn’t sweet rainbows and fairytales that are in her favor then she doesn’t want to hear it. I have to act like such a submissive little b*#~h, her anger management is in poor shape and when she flashes she doesn’t like to admit that it has happened. Speaking about these flashes days later don’t get any better. Instead she goes plumbing comparing our current problem with my fuck ups’ from the past, going tit for tat, debating every word quoted, correcting me and just having the overall problem/topic going over her head every-time.. The calm approach and space l give during her fiery episode don’t work well either. I PROMISE I DON’T ENGAGE IN THE CONFLICT. Nor do I like to engage in conflict, it doesn’t lead to any answers or solutions to our issue. When I point out a episode she has had and how it made me feel it honestly doesn’t get anywhere. I don’t feel my emotions are being heard, nor do I see an effort from her to try and listen w/ understanding. I feel like I have to Tame a teenage giving me anger, attitude and sass. She gets time to go out, we splurge when we dine out and we even planned vacations in the next 6 months to help this relax from the stress of having a newborn. I mean we step out every weekend and she gets pampered when she can ( Nails, Wax, & Hair appts) . I just can’t see myself staying in this any longer. I don’t feel I deserve this shitty treatment. I’ve been doing my thing as a provider from my family after the my PFL expired and everyday I feel animosity from her. She has said it before, it angers her that she doesn’t get to leave and step away from the baby as often as I do. When really I’d love to be a stay at home dad if I could. Everyday tasks can easily lead into huge arguments where she must micro correct my quotes and she lashes out, I really have to stay calm and not meet her at that level. If I do, the conflict and escalations arise. I MUST RESPOND COWARDLY TO HER ANGER FLAHES OR IT WILL TURN INTO A DISASTER. Our relationship is breaking apart and going into shambles, she says she still loves me but my attraction to her is no longer there. She know I’ve been dealing with the loss of my dad and brother in the last year but all that seems to fly out the window when she see’s Red. I’ve had dark thoughts that I’ve shared with her because the constant struggle in my life is depressing. However she is quick to use things like “ Why are you still here, you don’t have to be here “ and I just find it to be evil. It’s hard to come back from, especially coming from someone who’s “In love with me”
11 comments
Her saying “why are you still here you don’t have to be here” is pure evil. I know it’s the mother of your child but she doesn’t love you.
I didn’t suffer from PPD , I just gave birth 4 months ago but I can’t imagine that’s normal and she needs help . You should be forced to endure that and I’m sure it can’t be safe for your child.
Is it possible she regrets having a child and is finding anyway to blame and punish you?
“Why are you still here, you don’t have to be here” is in the quiver of “arrows of the Divorce Card” it is a form of playing the divorce card
There’s lots of reasons a spouse might play the D card but ultimately no matter what the reason, it’s wrong in all cases save one – when you are responding to the D card played against you.
I know that the impulse is to run out to a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up then when she plays the D card again, to hand them the paperwork and say “sign” That’s the wrong impulse
But it’s also wrong to just respond cowardly. She WANTS to fight. So either you fight with her and escalate the crap out of it until you are peeling the paint off the walls and the cops come – or you just turn on your heel and leave and let her scream to the moon.
Then come back in an hour and say “are you ready to talk reasonably now” and if that sets her off again – leave again. Then wash, rinse and repeat. Either she will eventually get it or you will end up in the divorce court.
But if it does look like she can’t moderate it then make sure you make liberal use of your camera to film her while she’s frothing at the bit because sure as shit if you end up in court she’s going to accuse you of everything that she’s doing to you.
The best option would be to go to Marriage Counseling but if she is claiming it didn’t happen – which you said she doesent like to admit so I assume that is the case – then likely she will refuse to go.
But in summary, your policy of appeasement is not working. You need to start being a dick – that is, ignoring the outbursts and nasty words.
Does she actually have PPD? If so, she needs proffessional help. Everything you described is absolutely not okay. Also marriage counseling. This can’t go on this way.
PPD is a strange beast; it changes you in ways you could ever imagine and needs treatment. PPD can express itself as rage; unbridled relentless rage that often surprises people around them (and the person suffering from it, too). Not an excuse but a common symptom and she needs to get into treatment if it is PPD. Has she been to the doctor? she would need to see a therapist and get onto meds if that’s what they determine to be the best course of treatment.
My PPD was awful and I was filled with so much anxiety that manifested into unreasonable anger; it was brutal. Treatment for me lasted about 2yrs (meds + psychotherapy).
Can you get childcare and have her go back to work? it seems like a stay at home parent is not a good role for her.
Can you afford childcare (not necessarily all day) and therapy?
PPD can literally make you want to kill yourself??!!?? There’s also this little thing called Post Partum Axiety and Post Partum Rage. Lack of sleep or feeling touched out can contribute to it. The first 12 months after birth are some of the most crucial. It’s not always immediately after birth, the symptoms can start months down the road. You could try gently suggesting her talking to her doctor, otherwise I would inform yourself on all of these topics and try and see the root of the problem.
First off: Keeping the peace in your house while your wife rages from PPD is the absolute opposite of cowardly. This takes more courage and sheer will power than most of us possess. You have superhero level control and I for one commend you for it.
I know a kudos from a random internet stranger means little, but you deserve this recognition. There are some very supportive communities here on Reddit, IMO r/Daddit is the absolute best. I haven’t been through what you’re going through, but I bet you’ll find bunches that have in Daddit.
My first instinct is to suggest the Gray Rock method, but I honestly don’t know what’s most appropriate in your situation. Someone else mentioned leaving the area temporarily. I’d strongly suggest finding an individual counselor to help you navigate these class 4 rapids. Your wife’s PPD sounds pretty extreme, personally I’d want professional help for this level.
Has she seen a doctor about her PPD? She may need actual medical help with this, not just dates and breaks from the baby.
You definitely don’t deserve to be treated this way.
First, let me say that I’m sad to hear about the loss of your dad and your brother. That would be a lot for anyone to go through. Have you seen a grief counsellor? If not, just know that a good counsellor can help a lot. Losing my dad was a profoundly painful experience, and I still grieve that loss.
Secondly, your wife, even if she is dealing with PPD, should not be treating you this way. She is holding you hostage with her mood swings. She needs help, and if she isn’t willing to get that help, you may need to protect yourself and your child. PPD is absolutely a real thing (as you know), but it is not an excuse for abusing your spouse. And yes, emotional abuse is abuse. I would strongly suggest both marriage counselling and indvidual counselling for you both… her for PPD and you for grief, as well as dealing with her PPD and relationship changes (whether that means you stay or you go).
It IS hard to come back from “Why are you still here?” I know, in my first marriage there were things he said to me that I could not get past. Those things STILL bother me, 6 years after we separated. (5 years after the divorce.) Some wounds go deep.
Whatever you decide about your marriage, please seek out a professional counsellor to help you walk through this time. Your mental health is important. <3
So sorry about the so many recent changes (many of them unpleasant) in your life. It has been very difficult for you, and also for your wife as well.
As you suggested, and many agreed, please seek professional help for her PPD. As a man, I can identify with you trying to avoid conflicts, not many people like them. But some level of more heated discussions are sometimes needed for couples to communicate. The avoiding it conveys a message that you may not care anymore, or that you do not think the efforts are worth it.
You are emotionally drained, just as she is having a hard time putting a hold of her emotions. You may want to go through some marriage counseling to straighten things out.
In the mean time, I would suggest recruiting child care and have some nights out with you two alone. She wants you to hear her just like you would like her to stay calm with her emotions. It won’t be easy, but hopefully she can get over PPD soon. Your strong marriage provides the best foundations for the baby and the family.